The Real Underwater World of Carl the Carp
Wobbly Face reveals what really goes on underwater with a commentary from Carl the Carp.
Hey what’s happening?
Carl the carp is all confused again! Bird seed, hemp, micro pellets or maggots. What to have for starters?
Main course: boilly, but what flavour? Sea food or vegi? Desert, either tutti fruiti or pineapple, followed by tiger nut. Hmmmm, popup or bottom served? Helicopter, zigged or inline? Slack line or tight? Might go for back lead, something to get the lips into. Don’t like floaters, get too much wind sucking them in.
Luncheon meat used to be the fave once, I used to like the Asian variety, real bum burners. A few of us used to get together Jacuzzi style. Them lot up there thought we were on the feed when we had actually finished. Doc Tench did the same, what a laugh.
Gordon “chucking” Angler serving again. Look at him up there on the bank. I know it’s you again. All in camo gear, I’ve never seen trees stomp about so I know it’s him. Look at his hat, worse than Rontroversial’s. How many times does he have to set his alarms off? It keeps Whiskers awake all day and he doesn’t half get catty without his beauty sleep. No doubt he’ll light up the lake when it’s dark again. He probably doesn’t know we fish don’t have eye lids. No blinking means we see more, so there!
Hey up, one marker float gone splash, I’ll get ready for a feed a now. Here comes the spod. Yep, filled with pellets, corn and maggots. I’ll go for the corn this time. All I have to do is wait here about two foot (sixty centimetres for pc brigade) off the bottom with my gob open and the corn just falls straight into it. Never easier and numpty up there hasn’t a clue.
Don’t do what Mollie Mirror did though. She got too close to the surface and the spod hit her on the head, poor thing, now suffers shell shock and is on the weed. We also had the case of Godfrey Gudgeon. He was getting on a bit and didn’t move fast enough and got hit by a one ounce (30g for pc brigade) lead. Pikey had to deal with him.
Now we have the rig, he’s gone helicopter with polyvinyjonechloroplasticrap (PVA) bag thingy. He’s covered our gravel patch in the stuff. I can’t scratch me belly now. This PVA stuff just goes all gloopy like.
More spod coming in. It amazes me how many tonnes of feed numpty put’s in. The choice is endless and more than every fish in the lake can eat. Just look at that, size six Kamasan claw hook, one inch (No! Not pc brigade again) hair rig with braid hook link to lead core. Spiderwire (Why all one word?) main line. Have you ever seen a spider’s thread that thick? It’ll take Morespiders I think.
Now for rod number two, three and four. He means business. What with marker rod, spod rod and four rods fishing, I see floater rod, and baggin’ waggler against his bivvy. Tackle tart from Tickletackle, all HEG stuff. He’ll be begging off MacWallet next.
Hi-ya Two Tony, how you doing? I see you’ve stuffed yourself again. How many times you’ve been caught? That amino acid stuff addled your brain. And stay off the Corn Steep Liquor, you’ll be going to AA next. As big as Deanos this guy, fat old git.
Oh look, the cameras are here. Hey Pikey, give ‘em a toothy smile. It’s Pukka man, that Miles was here last week. Best call Barbie on the mobile, Bob Bobs might be down the river looking for her with his camera. Better than those Nikons Marsbar uses.
Gotta move, Mad Breamers are here. This lot will clear anything. Nothing but a bunch of slime monsters. I’ve had my fill anyway.
I’m forever blowing (Michael Jackson’s Monkey)........
P.S. Editors please keep me anonymous Someone might catch me.