The Alternative Angler - Perkin's Predictions for 2010
Time for a bit of Crystal Ball gazing, and here are some of Kevin Perkin’s predictions for next year.
Kevin Perkins is one of those anglers who sees both the funny and darker side of life, and there are plenty of funny and dark goings-on in fishing. He's the Alternative Angler who sees that side of things that most of us miss because we're too busy going about the serious business of catching fish and often missing the strange, the satirical, and the plain comical along the way.
Never mind smelling the flowers, don't forget to take time out to see the whacky side of fishing life and grab a laugh or a lament along the way.
Perkin's Predictions for 2010
The Marsden/Wintle Magnum Opus
Due for launch next autumn, the third volume in the series promises to be the best yet. Showing that their combined fishing experience really does know no bounds, they will launch ‘Icehole Fishing’ in time for the first frosts next year. The publication of this volume will come as a relief to their respective families. It will show that the frequent trips to ‘Lapland’ were in fact research for the book and not akin to visiting one of Mr String fellow’s entertainment establishments. Also that catching the pair huddled together discussing ‘hot jigging’ was no cause for concern.
Mr Marsden’s wheeler-dealer skills were put to the test to blag various manufacturers into supplying all the equipment featured in the book free of charge. And despite the secrecy surrounding the content of the work, some insiders had obviously guessed as they had been heard referring to the authors as that pair of ‘Icehole Anglers’…….
Jeff’s first major article for the New Year causes such an absolute torrent of activity on the forums that the whole site goes into meltdown for two days. The reason for this furore is the article does not question Archimedes’ Principle, it certainly doesn’t argue with Newton’s 3rd Law of Motion; Einstein’s Theory of Relativity is untouched and even Darwin’s musings on Evolution pass by without comment. Such a complete and utter lack of controversy from Jeff is bound to cause a huge backlash, and this proves to be the case.
Following in the footsteps of other famous anglers who launch product ranges, such as Drennan, Hutchinson and Fox. (Actually there is no Mr. Fox. Whilst the makers were out field-testing some early prototypes, the gear was spotted by a group of anglers who asked ‘What the Fox is that?’ and the name stuck…). Famous angler Andy Nellist is going to launch his very own brand in 2010.
Designed on the less is more principle, the range encompasses just two products. The first is an angler’s suit that Andy has been field-testing for years. He asserts that it really is the only piece of fishing clothing that you will ever, ever need. Made from a hitherto unknown carbon/kevlar weave it is impervious to just about everything and will develop its very own camou pattern and distinct, and unmistakable ambience over the years. Just don’t look for the washing instruction label, because there won’t be one.
The second is a rod rest. No need for fancy pods or chair attachments, this one rest is the only one you will ever, ever need for any kind of fishing. It is the only one that Andy uses, and those who have seen him in action will agree that it’s the only one he has ever been seen with. Can’t get a better endorsement than that.
Next year will see Steve Spiller facing up to a monumental personal drama, the sort of which would make for a great Soap Opera. High spring tides, a full moon, torrential rainfall and a Seven Bore that gets lost and goes up the Brizzel Avon all conspire to a record flood that traps Steve in his home as the water laps around his front doorstep.
After a week of being cut off from the rest off the world and only surviving on his emergency stocks of Scrumpy cider, Brain’s faggots and Stargazey Pie, he manages to get out and survey the damage.
Fearful that his stock of ornamental fish have been washed out of his garden pond, he finds that the reverse is the case, as a 2lb roach that has been washed into the pond has now been trapped by the receding floodwater. Now the real drama and agonising decisions start to unfold. Does he do the decent think and take the fish back to the river, and in doing so risk a fine for illegal stocking, even though he is morally in the right?
What if global warming suddenly accelerates and the pond starts to dry up with the prized fish still in it?
Does he fish for it in his pond as his best ever chance of catching a 2lb roach? Does he feed it up first into a record breaker before claiming he caught it?
And what happens if he blanks trying to catch it or even worse, his sneaky brother gets to hear about it and catches the fish himself?
So many twists and turns it will run for weeks…….
In the greatest comeback since Lazarus, Deanos finally returns to FM and reveals his latest venture. In a complete role reversal from his previous life as a human dustbin, he has seen the light and become a lentil-muncher. So much so, that he now plans to spread the healthy eating word amongst his fellow anglers. In the manner of Jamie Oliver’s school diners campaign, Deanos will open up your lunchboxes and coolbags and will horrify the nation with what he finds.
Having done that, he will knock up nutritious Mung bean salads and Tofu burgers to give anglers a proper balanced meal, but there is more. Just as Jamie Oliver found Yorkshire mothers feeding burgers to their little darlings through the school railings, Deanos knows that some of you are weak and will stray from his menu selections.
He knows that four days in a bivvy with nothing but lentils and your eyes will stray towards those maple syrup boilies. That week old loaf you bought for floater fishing looks soooo appetising (it’s only a bit of mould, that’ll soon scrape off) Pike fishermen will be gathering small piles of twigs to spit roast sprats and sardines.
So with that in mind, he has devised BayteBytes, a range of foil sealed, stay fresh, dual–purpose, healthy, nutritious snacks that you or the fish can eat. These are vegetarian, reduced salt, no fat, minimal calorie blocks that you can cut and shape to any size bait you want, or just peel back the wrapper and munch away if you’re feeling peckish.
Just has to be a winner, and for predator anglers, watch out for the soon to be released Quish. Pieces of whatever Quorn is are shaped into realistic looking mackerel tails or whole sprats, then dipped in (dolphin friendly, line caught) tuna oil substitute. Very nice on toast if the fish don’t fancy them…….