Little Johnny watched his daddy's car pass by the school playground and go into the woods. Curious, he followed the car and saw Daddy and Aunt Jane in a passionate embrace. Little Johnny found this so exciting that he could hardly contain himself as he ran home and started to tell his mother.
'Mummy, I was at the playground and I saw Daddy's car go into the woods with Aunt Jane. I went back to look and he was giving Aunt Jane a big kiss, and then he helped her take off her shirt. Then Aunt Jane helped Daddy take his pants off, then Aunt Jane.......'
At this point Mummy cut him off and said,
'Johnny, this is such an interesting story, lets save the rest of it for supper time. I want to see the look on Daddy's face when you tell it tonight.'
At the dinner table that evening, Mummy asked little Johnny to tell his story
Johnny started his story,......
'I was at the playground and I saw Daddy's car go into the woods with Aunt Jane. I went back to look and he was giving Aunt Jane a big kiss, then he helped her take off her shirt. Then Aunt Jane helped Daddy take his pants off.Then Aunt Jane and Daddy started doing the same thing that Mummy and Uncle Bill used to do when Daddy was away on the rigs.'
Two pals,Bob and Larry, are getting very drunk at a bar when suddenly Larry throws up all over himself.
"Oh, no... Now my wife will kill me!"
Bob says,
"Don't worry, pal. Just tuck a twenty pound note in your breast pocket and tell your wife that someone threw up on you and gave you twenty pounds for the dry cleaning bill and the inconvenience."
So they stay for another couple of hours and get even drunker.
Eventually Larry stumbles home and his wife starts to give him a bad time....
"You stink of alcohol and you've puked all over yourself! My God, you're disgusting!"
Speaking very carefully trying not to slur his words(but not succeeding), Larry says,
"Nowairaminute..., I can epsplain everythin. Itsh snot what yewthink. I only had a cuopla drrrinks. But thiss other guy got ssick on me...he had one too many and he juss coudin hold hizz liquor He said hes was verrry sorry an' gave me twennie pounds for the cleaning bill!"
His wife looks in the breast pocket and says, "But this is forty pounds.."
"Oh, yeah... I almos' fergot, he shhhit in my pants, too."
A newlywed farmer and his wife were visited by her mother, who immediately demanded an inspection of the place.
While they were walking through the barn, the farmer's mule suddenly reared up and kicked the mother-in-law in the head, killing her instantly.
At the funeral service a few days later, the farmer stood near the casket and greeted folks as they walked by.
The pastor noticed that whenever a woman would whisper something to the farmer, he would nod his head "Yes" and say something. Whenever a man walked by and whispered to the farmer, he would shake his head, "No" and mumble a reply.
Curious, the pastor later asked the farmer what that was all about.
The farmer replied, ''The women would say, 'What a terrible tragedy' and I would nod my head and say, 'Yes, it was.' The men would ask, 'You wanna sell that mule?' and I would shake my head and say, 'Can't. It's all booked up for a year."
A couple take on an 18 year old girl as a lodger. She asked if she could have a bath but the woman of the house told her they didn't have a bathroom and she could use a tin bath in front of the fire. "Monday is the best night, when my husband goes out to darts", she said, so the girl agreed to have a bath the following Monday. After her husband had gone to the pub for his darts match, the woman filled the bath and watched as the girl got undressed. She was surprised to see that the lass didn't have any pubic hair and told her husband when he came home. He didn't believe her so she said, "Next week I'll leave a gap in the curtains so that you can see for yourself". The following Monday, while the girl again got undressed, the wife asked, "Do you shave?" "No", replied the girl. "I've just never grown any hairs down there. Do you have hairs?" "Oh yes", said the woman and she showed off her great, hairy muff. When the husband got back in she asked, "Did you see it?" "Yes", he said. "But why did you have to show her yours?" "Why not?" she said. "You've seen it all before." "I know", he said, "but the darts team hasn't"!
John returns from the doctor and tells his wife that the doctor has told him that he has only 24 hours to live.Given the prognosis, John asks his wife for sex. Naturally, she agrees, so they make love.
About 6 hours later, the husband goes to his wife and says,"Honey, you know I now have only 18 hours to live.Could we please do it one more time?"
Of course, the wife agrees, and they do it again.
Later, as the man gets into bed, he looks at his watch and realizes that he now has only 8 hours left.He touches his wife's shoulder and asks, "Honey, please... just one more time before I die."
She says, "Of course, Dear," and they make love for the third time.
After this session, the wife rolls over and falls asleep.
John, however, worried about his impending demise, tosses and turns, until he's down to 4 more hours.He taps his wife, who wakes up.
"Honey, I have only 4 more hours. Do you think we could..."
At this point the wife sits up and says,
"Listen John, I have to get up in the morning... you don't."
Mavis was a bit of a demon in her wheelchair, and loved to charge around the nursing home, taking corners on one wheel and getting up to maximum speed on the long corridors.
Because the poor woman was slightly insane the other residents tolerated her and some of them actually joined in.
One day Mavis was speeding up one corridor when a door opened and Old Charlie stepped out with his arm outstretched.
'STOP!,' he shouted in a firm voice. 'Have you got a license for that thing?'
Mavis fished around in her handbag and pulled out an old piece of tissue and held it up to him.
'OK' he said, and away Mavis sped down the hall.
As she took the corner near the TV lounge on one wheel, old Harold popped out in front of her and shouted
'STOP! Have you got proof of insurance?'
Mavis dug into her handbag, pulled out an empty cigarette packet and held it up to him.
Harold nodded and said 'On your way, Ma'am.'
As Mavis neared the final corridor, Ben (who was also a bit nutty) stepped out in front of her,completely naked and holding his willie in his hand."STOP"he shouted
'Oh, good grief,' yelled Mavis 'Not that damn breathaliser test again.!!!
