at Tesco... One day, in line at the works cafeteria, Jack says to Mike behind him, "My elbow hurts like hell. I suppose I'd better see a doctor!"
Listen mate; don't waste your time down at the surgery?, Mike replies. ?There's a diagnostic computer at Tesco. Just give it a urine sample and the computer will tell you what's wrong, and what to do about it..
It takes ten seconds and only costs five quid....a lot quicker and better than a doctor and you get Clubcard points".
So Jack collects a urine sample in a small jar and takes it to Tesco. He deposits five pounds and the computer lights up and asks for the urine sample. He pours the sample into the slot and waits.
Ten seconds later, the computer ejects a printout: "You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water and avoid heavy activity. It will improve in two weeks".
That evening while thinking how amazing this new technology was, Jack began wondering if the computer could be fooled.
He mixed some tap water, a stool sample from his dog, urine samples from his wife and daughter, and "pleasured himself" into the mixture for good measure.
Jack hurried back to Tesco, eager to check what would happen.
He deposits five pounds, pours in his concoction, and awaits the results with a grin .
The computer prints the following:
1) Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener.
2) Your dog has ringworm. Bathe him with anti-fungal shampoo.
3) Your daughter has a cocaine habit. Get her into rehab.
4) Your wife is pregnant. Twins. They aren't yours. Get a lawyer.
5) And if you don't stop playing with yourself, your elbow will never get better....
Thank you for shopping at Tesco.<!-- / message --><!-- sig -->
Barbie and Jayne, two blonde sisters had promised their uncle, who had been a seafarer all his life,that they would to bury him at sea when he died.
Of course, in due time, he did pass away and the two blondes kept their promise.
They set off from Clearwater Beach with their uncle all stitched up in a burial bag and loaded onto their rowing boat.
After a while Jayne says, 'Do you think we're out far enough, Barbie?"
Barbie slipped over the side and finding the water only knee deep said, "Nope, not yet Jayne."
So they row a little farther.... Again Jayne asks Barbie, "Do you think we're out far enough now?"
Once again Barbie slips over the side and almost immediately says, "No, this will never do. The water is only up to my chest."
So on they row and row and row, and finally Barbie slips over the side and disappears. Quite a bit of time goes by and poor Jayne is really getting worried when suddenly Barbie breaks the surface
Gasping for breath she says, "OK, it's finally deep enough. Hand me the shovel."
Pierre, a brave French fighter pilot, takes his girlfriend, Marie, out for a pleasant little picnic by the River Seine. It's a beautiful day and love is in the air.
Marie leans over to Pierre and says, 'Pierre, kiss me!'
Pierre grabs a bottle of Merlot and splashes it on Marie's lips. 'What are you doing, Pierre ?' says the startled Marie.
'I am Pierre, the French fighter pilot! When I have red meat, I have red wine!'
She smiles and they start kissing.
Things began to heat up a little and Marie says, 'Pierre, kiss me lower.'
Pierre tears her blouse open, grabs a bottle of Chardonnay and pours it on her breasts. 'Pierre! What are you doing now?' asks the bewildered Marie.
'I am Pierre, the French fighter pilot! When I have white meat, I have white wine!'
She giggles and they resume their passionate embraces and things really steam up. Marie leans close to his ear and whispers, 'Pierre, kiss me much lower!'
Pierre rips off her underwear, grabs a bottle of Cognac and pours it in her lap.He then strikes a match and sets fire to the cognac..
Marie shrieks and dives into the River . Standing waist deep, Marie throws her arms into the air and screams furiously, 'PIERRE , WHAT THE HELL DO YOU THINK YOU ARE DOING???'
Our 'hero' Pierre stands and says defiantly,
'I am Pierre, the French fighter pilot! If I go down, I go down in flames!'
After 20 years of marriage, a couple was lying in bed one evening, when the wife felt her husband begin to fondle her in ways he hadn't in quite some time.
It almost tickled as his fingers started at her neck,and then began moving down past the small of her back. He then caressed her shoulders and neck, slowly worked his hand down over her breasts, stopping just over her lower stomach.
He then proceeded to place his hand on her left inner arm,caressed past the side of her breast again, working down her side, passed gently over her buttock and down her leg to her calf. Then,he proceeded up her inner thigh, stopping just at the uppermost portion of her leg. He continued in the same manner on her right side, then suddenly stopped, rolled over and became silent.
As she had become quite aroused by this caressing, she asked in a loving voice, 'Honey, that was wonderful. Why did you stop?'
A Virginia farmer got in his pickup and drove to a neighbouring farm and knocked at the door. A young boy about 9 years old opened the door.
'Is yer Dad home?' the farmer asked.
'No sir, he ain't,' the boy replied. 'He went into town.'
'Well,' said the farmer, 'is yer Mom here?'
'No, sir, she ain't here neither. She went into town with Dad.'
'How about your brother, Howard? Is he here?'
'He went with Mom and Dad.'
The farmer stood there for a few minutes, shifting from one foot to the other and mumbling to himself.
'Is there anything I can do fer ya?' the boy asked politely. 'I know where all the tools are if you want to borrow one. Or maybe I could take a message fer Dad.'
'Well,' said the farmer uncomfortably, 'I really wanted to talk to yer Dad. It's about your Brother Howard getting my daughter, Pearly Mae, Pregnant.'
The boy considered for a moment. 'You would have to talk to Pa about that' he finally conceded. 'But if it helps you any, I know that Pa charges $500 for the bull and $50 for the hog, but I really don't know how much he gets fer Howard.'
A woman councillor is visiting the local hospital and as she walks down one of the corridors accompanied by the head surgeon she looks into one of the rooms and is shocked to see a man lying on his bed masturbating.
"That's disgusting!" she exclaims, "how can you allow him to do that?"
"He has a condition that causes him to produce huge amounts of semen," the surgeon replies, "He has to masturbate at least 12 times a day or it gets very painful for him."
"Oh I see." said the councillor and walks on to the next room where she sees another man lying on his bed being given a blowjob by a beautiful blonde nurse.
"Good God, whats going on here?" she asks.
"He has the same condition as the other chap" the surgeon replies, "but he's with BUPA."
A man met a beautiful blonde lady and decided he wanted to marry her right away.
She said, 'But we don't know anything about each other.'
He said, 'That's all right, we'll learn about each other as we go along.'
So she consented, they were married, and off they went on a honeymoon at a very nice resort.
One morning they were lying by the pool, when he got up off of his towel, climbed up to the 10 meter board and did a two and a half tuck, followed by three rotations in the pike position, at which point he straightened out and cut the water like a knife.
After a few more demonstrations, he came back and lay down on the towel.
She said, 'That was incredible!'
He said, 'I used to be an Olympic diving champion. You see, I told you we'd learn more about each other as we went along.'
So she got up, jumped in the pool and started doing lengths.
After seventy -five lengths she climbed out of the pool, lay down on her towel and was hardly out of breath.
He said, 'That was incredible! Were you an Olympic endurance swimmer?'
'No,' she said, 'I was a prostitute in Memphis but I worked both sides of the Mississippi.
On a flight from New York to Paris, soon after take-off the pilot announces: "I'm sorry, but we have lost one of our engines. Subsequently, we will arrive in Paris approximately half an hour late." A few minutes later, he comes on again: "Hate to disappoint you folks, but another engine is down. Don't panic - we've still got two going, but now we'll be about 2 hours late." After another few minutes, he comes on again: "Look, I am really sorry about this, but somehow we have lost our third engine. Still nothing serious to worry about, but we will be about five hours late to Paris." After hearing this, the blonde turns to the guy sitting next to him and remarks, "If we lose the other one, we'll be up here all night."
A blonde, a brunette, and a redhead were lost in the desert.
They were driving around in a Jeep when it broke down, and,because they had nothing else to take they decided to each take a piece of the Jeep as they continued their journey.
The brunette took the radiator, the redhead took the seat, and the blonde took the door.
After a while of walking the redhead asked the brunette "I'm confused, why did you bring the radiator?" The brunette responded, "If I get thirsty,I can drink the fluid."
Next the blonde asked the redhead "Why did you bring the seat?" So the redhead said "If I get tired,I am not going to sit on the sand. I can sit on this comfortable seat."
Finally the brunette asked the blonde why she had chosen the door. The blonde quickly answered, "Well, when I get hot all I have to do is wind the window down."
A blonde gets on an airplane and sits down in the first class section.
The stewardess tells her she must move to coach class because she doesn't have a first class ticket.
The blonde replies, "I'm blonde, I'm smart and I have a good job and I'm staying in first class until we reach Jamaica."
The stewardess gets the head stewardess who asks the woman to leave and she says "I'm blonde, I'm smart, I have a good job and I'm staying in first class until we reach Jamaica."
The stewardesses don't know what to do because they have to get the rest of the passengers seated to take off, so they get the co-pilot. The co-pilot goes up to the blonde and whispers in her ear.
She immediately gets up and goes to her seat in the coach section. The head stewardess asks the co-pilot what he said to get her to move.
The co-pilot replies, "I told her the front half of the airplane wasn't going to Jamaica".
