A middle-aged couple had two beautiful daughters but always talked about having a son.

They decided to try one last time for the son they always wanted.

The wife got pregnant and delivered a healthy baby boy.

The joyful father rushed to the hospital maternity ward to see his new son.

He was horrified at the ugliest child he had ever seen.

He told his wife: 'There's no way I can be the father of this baby,look at the two beautiful daughters I fathered!
Have you been fooling around behind my back?'

The wife smiled sweetly and replied:
'Not this time!'

A woman was in bed with her lover when she heard her husband opening the front door.

'Hurry,' she said, 'stand in the corner.'

She rubbed baby oil all over him,then dusted him with talcum powder.

'Don't move until I tell you,'she said, 'pretend you're a statue.'

'What's this?' the husband inquired as he entered the room.

'Oh it's a statue,' she replied,'the Smiths next door bought one and I liked it so I got one for us, too.'

No more was said,not even when they went to bed.

Around 2 AM the husband got up,went to the kitchen and returned with a sandwich and a beer.

'Here,' he said to the statue, have this.I stood like that for two days at the Smiths and nobody offered me a damned thing.'

A blonde goes into the dry cleaners with a blouse to be dry-cleaned.

As she's leaving, the man behind the counter says, 'Come again.'

The blonde stops and says,

'No, it's mustard this time.'
 

A man walks into a petrol station and says, 'can I please have a KitKat Chunky?'
The lady behind the till gets him a KitKat Chunky and brings it back to him.
'No,' says the man, 'I wanted a normal KitKat -- you fat bitch.'
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A suicide bomber runs into a pet shop and yells, 'you've all got 30 seconds to get out!'
The tortoise at the back of the shop shouts, 'you tw*t !'

 """"""Warning on a notice board in the wilds of British Colombia bear country""""":

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~Warning!!!~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Due to the frequency of human/bear encounters, the British Colombia Fish and Wildlife branch is advising hikers,hunters,fishermen and any persons that use the outdoors in a recreational or work related function to take extra precautions while in the field

We advise the outdoorsmen to wear little noisy bells on clothing so as to give advance warning to any bears that might be close by so you don't take them by surprise

We also advise anyone using the outdoors to carry pepper spray with them in case of an encounter with a bear

Outdoorsmen should also be on the watch for fresh bear activity,and be able to tell the difference between Black Bear faeces and Grizzly Bear faeces.
Black bear faeces is smaller and carries lots of berries and squirrel fur. Grizzly Bear shit has bells in it and smells like pepper

Hahahaha

Nice one Ed, you're doing a grand job keep it up

A mortuary assistant was working late one night.

As he examined the body of Mr.Johnson who was about to be cremated, he made a startling discovery.

Mr Johnson had the largest 'willy' he had ever seen!

'I'm sorry Mr.Johnson,' the mortician commented, 'I can't allow you to be cremated with such an impressive private part.It must be saved for posterity.'

So, he removed it,stuffed it into his briefcase,and took it home

'I have something to show you that you won't believe,' he said to his wife,opening his briefcase.

She looked in his briefcase..........'Oh My God!' the wife exclaimed,'Mr Johnson's dead!'

 Two bored casino dealers are waiting at the crap table.  A very attractive
     blonde woman from Liverpool arrived and bet £20,000 on a single roll of the dice.

     She said, 'I hope you don't mind, but I feel much luckier when I play topless.'

     With that, she stripped to the waist, rolled the dice and yelled, 'Come on,
     Scouse Girl needs new clothes!'

     As the dice bounced and came to a stop, she jumped up and down and squealed
     'YES!  YES!  I  WON! I  WON!'

     She hugged each of the dealers...and then picked up her winnings, and her
     clothes and quickly departed.

     The dealers stared at each other dumfounded.  Finally, one of them asked, 'What
     did she roll?'

     The other answered, 'I don't know... I thought you were watching.'

     Moral of the story:

     (1) Not all Scousers are stupid.

     (2) Not all blondes are dumb.

     (3) But men...Well, they are men

A woman visited a plastic surgeon who told her about a new procedure called 'The Knob,' where a small knob is placed at the top of the woman's head and could be turned to tighten up her skin and produce the effect of a brand new face-lift.

 Of course, the woman wanted 'The Knob.'

Over the course of the years, the woman tightened the knob, and the effects were wonderful, the woman remained young looking and vibrant.

After fifteen years, the woman returned to the surgeon with two problems.

"All these years, everything has been working just fine. I've had to turn the knob many times and I've always loved the results. But now I've developed two annoying problems... First, I have these terrible bags under my eyes and the knob won't get rid of them."

The doctor looked at her closely and said, 'Those aren't bags, those are your breasts.'

She said, 'Well, I guess there's no point in asking about the goatee.'

Cakey wrote (see)

what goatee ?

Give it here!"

"NO. It's MINE!"

"I said, let me have it!"

"NO! It's MY turn!"

"C'mon! Give it to me!"

"NO WAY!"

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.(Siamese twins jacking off)

With the Olympic Games going on, many companies are making money out of all sorts of marketing spin-offs including one company doing a range of condomsin  Gold, Silver and Bronze versions .......... 

I told my wife I was going to get some Gold Medal versions to match my performance.

She said " Get the Silver ones, it would be nice for you to come second for once!"