Little Johnny watched his daddy's car pass by the school playground and go into the woods. Curious, he followed the car and saw Daddy and Aunt Jane in a passionate embrace. Little Johnny found this so exciting that he could hardly contain himself ashe ran home and started to tell his mother.
'Mummy, I was at the playground and I saw Daddy's car go into the woods with Aunt Jane. I went back to look and he was giving Aunt Jane a big kiss, and then he helped her take off her shirt. Then Aunt Jane helped Daddy take his pants off, then Aunt Jane...'
At this point Mummy cut him off and said, 'Johnny, this is such an interesting story, lets save the rest of it for supper time. I want to see the look on Daddy's face when you tell it tonight.'
At the dinner table that evening, Mummy asked little Johnny to tell his story. Johnny started his story, 'I was at the playground and I saw Daddy's car go into the woods with Aunt Jane. I went back to look and he was giving Aunt Jane a big kiss, then he helped her take off her shirt. Then Aunt Jane helped Daddy take his pants off, then Aunt Jane and Daddy started doing the same thing that Mummy and Uncle Bill used to do when Daddy was away on the rigs.' ............
Moral: Sometimes you need to just shut up and listen to the whole story before you interrupt!
One day a farmer's donkey fell down into a well. The animal cried piteously for hours as the farmer tried to figure out what to do. Finally, he decided the animal was old, and the well needed to be covered up anyway; it just wasn't worth it to retrieve the donkey. He invited all his neighbors to come over and help him. They all grabbed a shovel and began to shovel dirt into the well. At first, the donkey realized what was happening and cried horribly. Then, to everyone's amazement he quieted down. A few shovel loads later, the farmer finally looked down the well. He was astonished at what he saw. With each shovel of dirt that hit his back, the donkey was doing something amazing. He would shake it off and take a step up. As the farmer's neighbors continued to shovel dirt on top of the animal, he would shake it off and take a step up. Pretty soon, everyone was amazed as the donkey stepped up over the edge of the well and happily trotted off! Life is going to shovel dirt on you, all kinds of dirt. The trick to getting out of the well is to shake it off and take a step up. Each of our troubles is a stepping stone. We can get out of the deepest wells just by not stopping, never giving up! Shake it off and take a step up. Remember the five simple rules to be happy: Free your heart from hatred - Forgive. Free your mind from worries - Most never happen. Live simply and appreciate what you have. Give more. Expect less
NOW ............
Enough of that crap . .. . The donkey later came back, and bit the farmer who had tried to bury him. The wound from the bite got infected and the farmer eventually died in agony from septic shock.
MORAL FROM TODAY'S LESSON:
When you do something wrong, and try to cover your ass, it always comes back to bite you
A rabbit one day managed to break free from the laboratory where he had been born and brought up. As he scurried away from the fencing of the compound, he felt grass under his little feet and saw the dawn breaking for the first time in his life.
"Wow, this is great," he thought. It wasn't long before he came to a hedge and, after squeezing under it he saw a wonderful sight lots of other bunny rabbits, all free and nibbling at the lush grass.
"Hey," he called. "I'm a rabbit from the laboratory and I've just escaped. Are you wild rabbits?"
"Yes. Come and join us," they cried. Our friend hopped over to them and started eating the grass. It tasted so good.
"What else do you wild rabbits do?" he asked.
"Well," one of them said. "You see that field there? It's got carrots growing in it. We dig them up and eat them."
This, he couldn't resist and he spent the next hour eating the most succulent carrots. They were wonderful. Later, he asked them again, "What else do you do?"
"You see that field there? It's got lettuce growing in it. We eat them as well."
The lettuce tasted just as good and he returned a while later completely full. "Is there anything else you guys do?" he asked.
One of the other rabbits came a bit closer to him and spoke softly. "There's one other thing you must try. You see those rabbits there," he said, pointing to the far corner of the field. "They're girls. We shag them. Go and try it."
Well, our friend spent the rest of the morning screwing his little heart out until, completely knackered, he staggered back over to the guys. "That was fantastic," he panted.
"So are you going to live with us then?" one of them asked.
"I'm sorry, I had a great time but I can't."replied the lab rabbit
The wild rabbits all stared at him, a bit surprised. "Why? We thought you liked it here."
"I do," our friend replied. "But I must get back to the laboratory. I'm dying for a cigarette."
One morning a little blind African Grey parrot was hopping along the ground,he tripped over a large snake and fell right on his little beak.
"Oh, Please excuse me!" said the bird. "I didn't mean to trip over you, but you see, I'm blind and could not see."
"That's perfectly all right," replied the snake. "To be sure, it was MY fault. I didn't mean to trip you, but I'm blind too, and I didn't see you coming. By the way, what kind of animal are you?"
"Well, I really don't know," said the African Grey. "I'm blind, and I've never seen myself. Maybe you could examine me and find out."
So the snake felt the bird all over, and he said, "Well, you're soft, and feathery, and you have a long tail, and a big beak; YOU must be a BIRD!"
The little blind parrot was so pleased that he danced with joy. Then he said, "I can't thank you enough, but by the way, WHAT kind of animal are YOU?"
The snake replied that he didn't know, so the bird agreed to examine HIM, and then the snake said, "Well, what kind of an animal am I?"
The African Grey replied, "You're hard, you're cold, you're slimy, and you haven't got any balls--you must be Ron Clay!"
Jed had long heard the stories of an amazing family tradition. It seems that his father, grandfather and great-grandfather had all been able to walk on water on their 18th birthday. On that special day, they'd each walked across the lake to the bar on the far side for their first legal drink.
So when Jed's 21st birthday came around, he and his pal Jim took a boat out to the middle of the lake, Jed stepped out of the boat .... and nearly drowned!! Jim just barely managed to pull him to safety.
Furious and confused, Jed went to see his grandmother.
'Grandma,' he asked, 'it's my 21st birthday, so why can't I walk across the lake like my Dad, his father, and his father before him?'
Granny looked deeply into Jed's troubled eyes and said, 'Because your father, your grandfather and your great grandfather were born in January, when the lake is frozen,---- you were born in July, you thickhead"
A duck waddles into a grocery store and asks the assistant,"Do you have any duck food??"
"No, we don't have duck food and we don't serve ducks. This is a grocery store -- Get out of here!"replies the assistant
The next morning the duck waddles into the same grocery store and again asks the same assistant, "Do you have any duck food??"
The assistant, speaking slowly and distinctly, says, "NO, I told you yesterday that we don't have duck food and we don't serve ducks. Get out of my store and don't come back!"
The next morning,once again, the duck enters the same grocery store and once again asks the same assistant, "Do you have any duck food??"
The assistant,by now fed up with the duck, yells, "NO! WE DON'T -- AND IF YOU COME IN HERE ASKING FOR DUCK FOOD ONE MORE TIME I'M GOING TO NAIL YOUR LITTLE WEBBED FEET TO THE FLOOR!"
The next morning the duck enters the grocery store and asks the assistant, "Do you have any nails??"
Amazed,the assistant replies, "No, we're a grocery store-- we don't stock nails."
"Good," says the duck. "Do you have any duck food??"
