A stranger was seated next to a little girl on an airplane when the stranger turned to her and said, 'Let's talk . I've heard that flights go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger. The little girl, who had just opened her book, closed it slowly and said to the stranger,'What would you like to talk about?' 'Oh, I don't know', said the stranger. 'How about nuclear power?' 'OK'. she said. 'That could be an interesting topic.But let me ask you a question first. A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat grass, the same stuff. Yet a deer excretes little pellets, while a cow turns out a flat patty, and a horse produces clumps of dried grass.
Why do you suppose that is?' The stranger thinks about it and says, 'Hmmm, I have no idea.'
The little girl then replies... 'Do you feel qualified to discuss nuclear power when you don't know Shit?'
Five surgeons are discussing who has the best patients to operate on.
The first surgeon says, "I like to see accountants on my operating table because when you open them up, everything inside is numbered."
The second responds, "Yeah, but you should try electricians! Everything inside them is colour-coded." The third surgeon says, "No, I really think librarians are the best; everything inside them is in alphabetical order."
The fourth surgeon chimes in, "You know, I like construction workers. Those guys always understand when you have a few parts left over at the end, and when the job takes longer than you said it would."
But the fifth surgeon shut them all up when he observed, "You are all wrong. Politicians are the easiest to operate on. There's no guts, no heart, no balls, no brains and no spine, and there are only two moving parts, the mouth and the asshole - and they are interchangeable."
I am passing this on to you because it definitely worked for me and we all could use more Calm in our lives...
By following the simple advice I heard on a Medical TV show, I have finally found Inner Peace...
A Doctor proclaimed the way to achieve inner peace is to finish all the things you have started...
So I looked around my house to see things I'd started and hadn't finished,
and, before leaving the house this morning, I finished off a bottle of Merlot, a bottle of Shhhardonay, a bodle of Baileys, a butle of Vocka, a pockage of Prunglies, tha mainder of bot Prozic and Valium scriptins, the res of the Chesescke an a box a chocolets...
Hick!!!
Yu haf no idr who fkin gud I felt...
Peas sen dis orn to dem yu fee AR in ned ov inr pece x x
How to Dance in the Rain > It was a busy morning, about 8:30, when an elderly gentleman in his 80's > arrived to have stitches removed from his thumb. He said he was in a hurry > as he had an appointment at 9:00 am. > I took his vital signs and had him take a seat, knowing it would be over > an hour before someone would to able to see him. I saw him looking at his > watch and decided, since I was not busy with another patient, I would > evaluate his wound. On exam, it was well healed, so I talked to one of the > doctors, got the needed supplies to remove his sutures and redress his > wound. > While taking care of his wound, I asked him if he had another doctor's > appointment this morning, as he was in such a hurry. > The gentleman told me no, that he needed to go to the nursing home to eat > breakfast with his wife. I inquired as to her health. > He told me that she had been there for a while and that she was a victim > of Alzheimer's Disease. As we talked, I asked if she would be upset if he was a bit late. > He replied that she no longer knew who he was, that she had not recognized > him in five years now.> > I was surprised, and asked him, 'And you still go every morning, even > though she doesn't know who you are?' > He smiled as he patted my hand and said, > 'She doesn't know me, but I still know who she is.' > I had to hold back tears as he left, I had goose bumps on my arm, and > thought, > 'That is the kind of love I want in my life.' > True love is neither physical, nor romantic. > True love is an acceptance of all that is, has been, will be, and will not > be. > With all the jokes and fun that are in e-mails, sometimes there is one > that comes along that has an important message. This one I thought I could > share with you. > The happiest people don't necessarily have the best of everything; they > just make the best of everything they have. > I hope you share this with someone you care about. I just did.
> 'Life isn't about how to survive the storm, but how to dance in the rain.' > >
Three men were sitting together boasting about how they had given their new wives duties.
Terry had married an English woman, and bragged that he had told his wife she needed to do all the dishes and housework every day. He said that it took a couple days but on the third day he came home to a clean house and the dishes were all washed and put away
Jimmy had married a Canadian woman.He bragged that he had given his wife orders that she was to do all the cleaning, dishes, and the cooking.
He toldthem that the firstday he didn't see any results, but the next day things were better.By the third day, the house was clean, the dishes were done, and he had a huge dinner on the table.
The third man had married a Welshgirl. He boasted that he told her that her duties were to keep the house cleaned, dishes washed, laundry and ironing twice a week, lawns mowed, windows cleaned and hot meals on the table for every meal. He said the first day he didn't see anything, the second day he didn't see anything, but by the third day most of the swelling had gone down and he could see a little out of his left eye, just enough to fix himself a bite to eat, load the dishwasher, and call a handyman.
A store that sells new husbands has opened in London , where a woman may go to choose a husband. Among the instructions at the entrance is a description of how the store operates: You may visit this store ONLY ONCE! There are six floors and the value of the products increase as the shopper ascends the flights. The shopper may choose any item from a particular floor, or may choose to go up to the next floor, but you cannot go back down except to exit the building!
So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband. On the first floor the sign on the door reads:
Floor 1 - These men Have Jobs.
She is intrigued, but continues to the second floor, where the sign reads:
Floor 2 - These men Have Jobs and Love Kids.
'That's nice,' she thinks, 'but I want more.'
So she continues upward. The third floor sign reads:
Floor 3 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, and are Extremely Good Looking.
'Wow,' she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going.
She goes to the fourth floor and the sign reads:
Floor 4 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Good Looking and Help With Housework.
'Oh, mercy me!' she exclaims, 'I can hardly stand it!'
Still, she goes to the fifth floor and the sign reads:
Floor 5 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Gorgeous, Help with Housework, and Have a Strong Romantic Streak.
She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the sixth floor, where the sign reads:
Floor 6 - You are visitor 31,456,012 to this floor. There are no men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please. Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store.
PLEASE NOTE:
To avoid gender bias charges, the store's owner opened a New Wives store just across the street.
The first floor has wives that love sex.
The second floor has wives that love sex and have money and like beer and football.
The third, fourth, fifth and sixth floors have never been visited.
1. Two blondes walk into a building.......... you'd think at least one of them would have seen it.
2. Phone answering machine message - '...If you want to buy marijuana, press the hash key...'
3. A guy walks into the psychiatrist wearing only Clingfilm for shorts.
The shrink says: 'Well, I can clearly see you're nuts.'
4. I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn't find any.
5. I went to the butchers the other day and I bet him £50 that he couldn't reach the meat off the top shelf. He said: 'No, the steaks are too high.'
6. My friend drowned in a bowl of muesli. A strong currant pulled him in.
7. A man came round in hospital after a serious accident. He shouted: 'Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!' The doctor replied:
'I know you can't, I've cut your arms off'.
8. I went to a seafood disco last week...... and pulled a muscle.
9. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly. They lit a fire in the craft, it sank, proving once and for all that you can't have your kayak and heat it.
10. Our ice cream man was found lying on the floor of his van covered with hundreds and thousands. Police say that he topped himself.
11. Man goes to the doctor, with a strawberry growing out of his head.
Doc says: 'I'll give you some cream to put on it.'
12. 'Doc I can't stop singing The Green, Green Grass of Home'.
'That sounds Like Tom Jones syndrome''. 'Is it common?'.
'It's not unusual.'
13. A man takes his Rottweiler to the vet. 'My dog's cross-eyed, is there anything you can do for him?'
'Well,' says the vet, 'let's have a look at him'. So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes, then checks his teeth.
Finally, he says: 'I'm going to have to put him down.'
'What? Because he's cross-eyed? '
'No, because he's really heavy'
14. Guy goes into the doctor's. 'Doc, I've got a cricket ball stuck up my backside.'
'How's that?'
'Don't you start.'
15. Two elephants walk off a cliff... boom, boom!
16. What do you call a fish with no eyes? .A fsh.
17. So I was getting into my car, and this bloke says to me 'Can you give me a lift?
I said 'sure, you look great, the world's your oyster, go for it.'
18. Apparently, 1 in 5 people in the world are Chinese. There are 5 people in my family, so it must be one of them. It's either my Mum or my Dad, or my older brother Colin, or my younger Brother Ho-Cha-Chu?
But I think it's Colin.
19. Two fat blokes in a pub, one says to the other 'Your round.'
The other one says: 'So are you, you fat bast**d!'
20. Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid and the other was eating fireworks. They charged one and let the other one off.
21. 'You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today.
They left a little note on the windscreen. It said, 'Parking Fine.' So that was nice.'
22. A man walked into the doctors, he said, 'I've hurt my arm in several places'. The doctor said, 'Well don't go there anymore'
23. Ireland 's worst air disaster occurred early this morning when a small two-seater Cessna plane crashed into a cemetery. Irish search and rescue workers have recovered 1826 bodies so far and expect that number to climb as digging continues into the night.
This has to be read, laughed at and passed on. There is not a woman alive today who won't crack up over this!
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'I was due for a smear with the Doctor later in the week. Early one morning, I received a call from the doctor's office to tell me that I had been rescheduled for that morning at 9:30 am. I had only just packed everyone off to Work and School, and it was already around 8:45 am. The trip to his office took about 35 minutes, so I didn't have any time to spare.
As most women do, I like to take a little extra effort over hygiene when making such visits, but this time I wasn't going to be able to make the full effort. So, I rushed upstairs, threw off my pyjamas, wet the facecloth that was sitting next to the sink, and gave myself a quick wash in that area to make sure I was at least presentable. I threw the facecloth in the clothes basket, donned some clothes, hopped in the car and raced to my appointment.
I was in the waiting room for only a few minutes when I was called in. Knowing the procedure, as I'm sure you do, I hopped up on the table, looked over at the other side of the room and pretended that I was in Paris or some other place a million miles away... I was a little surprised when the doctor said, 'My, we have made an extra effort this morning, haven't we?'
I didn't respond.
After the appointment, I heaved a sigh of relief and went home. The rest of the day was normal - some shopping, cleaning, & cooking.
After school when my 7 year old daughter was playing, she called out from the bathroom, 'Mummy, where's my facecloth?'
I told her to get another one from the cupboard...
She replied, 'No, I need the one that was here by the sink, it had all my Glitter Bits, saved inside it.'
A woman went into a store to buy her husband a pet for his birthday.After looking around, she found that all the pets were very expensive.She told the clerk she wanted to buy a pet, but she didn't want to spend a fortune. 'Well,' said the clerk, 'I have a very large bullfrog. They say it's been trained to give blowjobs!''Blow jobs!' the woman replied. 'It hasn't been proven but we've sold 30 of them this month,' he said.The woman thought it would be a great gag gift, and what if it's true...no more blow jobs for her! She bought the frog. When she explained froggy's ability to her husband, he was extremely sceptical and laughed it off! ..The woman went to bed happy, thinking she may never need to perform this Less than riveting act again. In the middle of the night, she was awakened by the noise of pots and pans flying everywhere, making hellacious banging and crashing sounds. She ran downstairs to the kitchen, only to find her husband and the frog reading cookbooks.'What are you two doing at this hour?' she asked. The husband replied, 'If I can teach this frog to cook.......you're gone.'
Some years ago, Stan married an attractive woman, Marilyn, half his age, in a small Cornwall community. After several months, young Marilyn complained that she had never climaxed during sex and according to her Grandmother, all Cornish women are entitled to a climax once in a while. So, to resolve the problem, they went to see the Veterinarian since there was no trustworthy doctor anywhere in Truro .
The Vet didn't have a clue, but he did recall how, during the hot summer, his Mother and Father, would fan a cow that was having difficulty breeding, with a big towel. This would cool her down and make her relax. So the Vet told them to hire a strong, virile, young man to wave a big towel over them while they were having sex. This, the Vet said, would cause the young wife to cool down, relax, then climax. So the couple hired a strong young man from Newquay to wave that big towel over them as the Vet suggested. After many efforts, Marilyn still had not climaxed so they went back to the Vet.
The Vet said for Marilyn to change partners and let the young man have sex with her while Stan waved the big towel. They tried it that night and Marilyn went into wild, screaming, ear-splitting climaxes, one right after the other for about two and a half hours. When it was over, Stan looked down at the exhausted young man and in a boasting voice said:
According to a news report, a certain private school in Washington was recently faced with a unique problem.
A number of 12-year-old girls were beginning to use lipstick and would put it on in the bathroom.
That was fine, but after they put on their lipstick, they would press their lips to the mirror leaving dozens of little lip prints.
Every night the maintenance man would remove them, and the next day the girls would put them back.
Finally the principal decided that something had to be done.
She called all the girls to the bathroom and met them there with the maintenance man.
She explained that all these lip prints were causing a major problem for the custodian who had to clean the mirrors every night (you can just imagine the yawns from the little princesses).
To demonstrate how difficult it had been to clean the mirrors, she asked the maintenance man to show the girls how much effort was required.
He took out a long-handled squeegee, dipped it in the toilet, and cleaned the mirror with it.
Since then, there have been no lip prints on the mirror.
There are teachers, ....and then there are educators.
A bloke starts his new job at the zoo and is given three tasks.
The first is to clear the exotic fish pool of weeds. As he does this a huge fish jumps out and bites him.
To show the others whose boss he beats it to death with a spade. Realising his employer won't be best pleased; he disposes of the fish by feeding it to the lions, as everyone knows that lions will eat anything.
Moving on to the second job of clearing out the Chimp house, he is attacked by the chimps that pelt him with coconuts.
He swipes at two chimps with a spade, killing them both.
What can he do? Feed them to the lions, he says to himself, because lions eat anything. So he hurls the corpses into the lion enclosure.
He moves on to the last job, which is to collect honey from the South American Bees. As soon as he starts, he is attacked by the bees.
He grabs his spade and smashes the bees to a pulp. By now he knows what to do and also throws them for the lions.
Later that day, a new lion arrives at the zoo. He wanders up to another lion and asks "What's the food like here?"
The lion replies "Absolutely brilliant. Today we had fish and chimps with mushy bees."
Voted Best Joke in Ireland 2007: > > John O'Reilly hoisted his beer and said, "Here's to spending the rest of > me life, between the legs of me wife!" > > That won him the top prize at the pub for the best toast of the night! > > He went home and told his wife, Mary, "I won the prize for the Best toast > of the night" > She said, "Aye, did ye now. And what was your toast?" > John said, "Here's to spending the rest of me life, sitting in church > beside me wife." > > "Oh, that is very nice indeed, John!" Mary said. > > The next day, Mary ran into one of John's drinking buddies on the street > corner. > > The man chuckled leeringly and said, "John won the prize the other night > at the pub with a toast about you, Mary." > > She said, "Aye, he told me, and I was a bit surprised myself. You know, > he's only been > there twice in the last four years. Once he fell asleep, and the other > time I had to pull him by the ears to make him come."
