After their baby was born, the panicked father went to see the Obstetrician. 'Doctor,' the man said, 'I don't mind telling you, but I'm a little upset because my daughter has red hair. She can't possibly be mine!!'
'Nonsense,' the doctor said'.
'Even though you and your wife both have black hair, one of your ancestors may have contributed red hair to the gene pool.'
'It isn't possible,' the man insisted.'????? ?'This can't be, our families on both sides had jet-black hair for generations.'
'Well,' said the doctor, 'let me ask you this.. How often do you have sex??? '
The man seemed a bit ashamed. 'I've been working very hard for the past year. We only made love once or twice every few months.'
'Well, there you have it!' The doctor said confidently.
> > WHEN I SAY I'M BROKE...I'M BROKE!! > > > > Yesterday I answered a knock on the door, only to be confronted > > by a well-dressed young man carrying a vacuum cleaner. > > > > 'Good morning,' said the young man. 'If I could take a couple > > of minutes of your time, I would like to demonstrate the very > > latest in high-powered vacuum cleaners.' > > > > 'Go away!' I said. 'I haven't got any money!', 'I'm broke!' and > > proceeded to close the door. > > > > Quick as a flash, the young man wedged his foot in the door and > > pushed wide open. 'Don't be too hasty!' he said. 'Not until you > > have at least seen my demonstration.' And with that, he emptied > > a bucket of horse manure onto my hallway carpet. > > > > 'If this vacuum cleaner does not remove all traces of this > > horse manure from your carpet, Sir, I will personally eat the > > remainder.' > > > > > > I stepped back and said, 'Well I hope you've got a good > > appetite, because they cut off my electricity this morning. > > What part of 'broke' do you not understand?'
A man walked into the ladies department of a Macy's and shyly walked up to the woman behind the counter and said, 'I'd like to buy a bra for my wife.' 'What type of bra?' asked the clerk 'Type?' inquires the man, 'There's more than one type?' 'Look around,' said the saleslady, as she showed a sea of bras in every shape, size, color and material imaginable. 'Actually, even with all of this variety, there are really only four types of bras to choose.' Relieved, the man asked about the types. The saleslady replied: 'There are the Catholic, the Salvation Army, the Presbyterian, and the Baptist types. Which one would you prefer?' Now totally befuddled, the man asked about the differences between them. The Saleslady responded, 'It is all really quite simple... ' The Catholic type supports the masses. The Salvation Army type lifts the fallen, The Presbyterian type keeps them staunch and upright, and The Baptist makes mountains out of molehills. Have you ever wondered why A, B, C, D, DD, E, F, G, and H are the letters used to define bra sizes? If you have wondered why, but couldn't figure out what the letters stood for, it is about time you became informed! (A} Almost Boobs... {B} Barely there. {C} Can't Complain! {D} Dang! {DD} Double dang! {E} Enormous! {F} Fake. {G} Get a Reduction. {H} Help me, I've fallen and I can't get up !
P.S. They forgot the German bra. Holtzemfromfloppen
A man breaks into a house to look for money and guns. Inside, he finds a young couple in bed. He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair. While tying the homeowner's wife to the bed the convict gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom. While he's in there, the husband whispers over to his wife: 'Listen, this guy is an escaped convict. Look at his clothes! He's probably spent a lot of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck. If he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain...do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you......This guy is obviously very dangerous. If he gets angry, he'll kill us both....... Be strong, honey. I love you!'
His is wife responds: 'He wasn't kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear. He told me that he's gay, thinks you're cute, and asked if we had any Vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. ....Be strong honey. I love you, too.'
One December day we found an old straggly cat at our door. She was a sorry sight. Starving, dirty, smelled terrible, skinny, and hair all matted down. We felt sorry for her so we put her in a carrier and took her to the vet. We didn't know what to call her so we named her 'Pussycat.'
The vet decided to keep her for a day or so. He said he would let us know when we could come and get her.
My husband (the complainer) said, 'OK, but don't forget to wash her, she stinks.' He reminded the vet that it was his WIFE (me) that wanted the dirty cat, not him.
My husband and my Vet don't see eye to eye. The vet calls my husband 'El-Cheap-O', and my husband calls the vet 'El-Charge-O'. They love to hate each other and constantly 'snipe' at one another, with my husband getting in the last word on this particular occasion.
The next day my husband had an appointment with his doctor, who is located in the same building, next door to the vet.
The MD's waiting room and office was full of people waiting to see the doctor. A side door opened and the vet leaned in, he had obviously seen my husband arrive. He looked straight at my husband and in a loud voice said, 'Your wife's pussy doesn't stink any more. We washed and shaved it, and now she smells like a rose. Oh, and, by the way, I think she's pregnant. God only knows who the father is !' Then he closed the door.
A man wanted to have sex with a girl in his office, but she belonged to someone else. One day, he was so frustrated that he went up to her and said, "I'll give you £100 if you let me shag you." But the girl said, "NO". The man said, "Ill be fast. I'll throw the money on the floor, you bend down, and I'll be finished by the time you pick it up." She thought for a moment and said that she would have to consult her boyfriend. So she called her boyfriend and told him the story. Her boyfriend says, "Ask him for £200, pick up the money very fast, he won't even be able to get his pants down." So she agrees and accepts the proposal. Half an hour goes by, and the boyfriend is waiting for his girlfriend to call. Finally, after 45 minutes, the boyfriend calls and asks what happened?She wailed, "The bastard used pound coins!"
Siamese twins walk into a pub in Ontario and park themselves on a bar stool.
One of them says to the landlord, "Don't mind us, we're joined at the hip.
I'm John, he's Jim. Two Molson Canadian beers, draft please".
The landlord, feeling slightly awkward, tries to make polite conversation while pouring the beers.
"Been on holiday yet, lads?"
"Off to England next month," says John. "We go to England every year and hire a car and drive for miles, don't we, Jim?"
Jim agrees.
"Ah, England!" says the landlord. "Wonderful country... the history, the beer, the culture..."
"Nah, we don't like that British crap," says John. " Hamburgers & Molsons beer, that's us, eh Jim? And we can't stand the English - they're so arrogant and rude."
"So why keep going to England ?" asks the landlord.
An answer that only a child from Glasgow could think of:
I was testing the children in my local Sunday school class to see if they understood the concept of getting to Heaven.
I asked them, 'If I sold my house and my car, had a big garage sale and gave all my money to the church, would that get me into Heaven?'
'NO!' the children answered.
'If I cleaned the church every day, mowed the garden, and kept everything neat and tidy, would that get me into Heaven?'
Again, the answer was, 'NO!' By now I was starting to smile.
Hey, this was fun! 'Well, then, if I was kind to animals and gave sweets to all the children, and loved my wife would that get me into Heaven?'I asked them again.
Again, they all answered, 'NO!' I was just bursting with pride for them.
Well, I continued, 'then how can I get into Heaven?'
This test only has one question, but it's a very important one. By giving an honest answer, you will discover where you stand morally.
The test features an unlikely, completely fictional situation in which you will have to make a decision.
Remember that your answer needs to be honest, yet spontaneous.
Please scroll down slowly and give due consideration to each line.
THE SITUATION:
You are in England , York to be specific.
There is chaos all around you caused by a hurricane with severe flooding.
This is a flood of biblical proportions.
You are a photo-journalist working for a major newspaper, and you're caught in the middle of this epic disaster. The situation is nearly hopeless.
You're trying to shoot career-making photos. There are houses and people swirling around you, some disappearing into the water. Nature is unleashing all of its destructive fury.
THE TEST: Suddenly, you see a man in the water. He is fighting for his life, trying not to be taken down with the debris. You move closer... Somehow, the man looks familiar... You suddenly realize who it is... It's Gordon Brown! You notice that the raging waters are about to take him under forever. You have two options:
You can save the life of Gordon Brown or you can shoot a dramatic Pulitzer Prize winning photo, documenting the death of one of the country's most powerful men!
THE QUESTION:
Here's the question, and please give an honest answer...
Would you select high contrast colour film, or would you go with the classic simplicity of black and white
Zebo, a half blind five year old south african orphan, has to ride 7 miles a day to school with only one leg on a bicycle with buckled wheels and no brakes. Give just small donation of 2 dollars and we'll
A man goes into a library and asks for a book on suicide. The librarian says; "F***off, you won't bring it back."
---------------------------------------------------------------------- 2 Men in a pub and one is riding a Bucking Bronco Machine. He lasts over 10 minutes. "Crikey mate, that was impressive!"
"I get lots of practice" Replied the other guy. "My Wifes epileptic"
One day, when a seamstress was sewing while sitting close to a river, her thimble fell into the river. When she cried out, the Lord appeared and asked, 'My dear child, why are you crying?' The seamstress replied that her thimble had fallen into the water and that she needed it to help her husband in making a living for their family. The Lord dipped His hand into the water and pulled up a golden thimble set with sapphires..
'Is this your thimble?' the Lord asked The seamstress replied, 'No.' The Lord again dipped into the river. He held out a golden thimble studded with rubies.
'Is this your thimble?' the Lord asked. Again, the seamstress replied, 'No.' The Lord reached down again and came up with a leather thimble. 'Is this your thimble ?' the Lord asked. The seamstress replied, 'Yes.' The Lord was pleased with the woman's honesty and gave her all three thimbles to keep, and the seamstress went home happy. Some years later, the seamstress was walking with her husband along the riverbank, and her husband fell into the river and disappeared under the water. When she cried out, the Lord again appeared and asked her, 'Why are you crying?' 'Oh Lord, my husband has fallen into the river!' The Lord went down into the water and came up with George Clooney. 'Is this your husband?' the Lord asked.
'Yes,' cried the seamstress. The Lord was furious. 'You lied! That is an untruth!' The seamstress replied, 'Oh, forgive me, my Lord. It is a misunderstanding. You see, if I had said 'no' to George Clooney, you would have come up with Brad Pitt. Then if I said 'no' to him, you would have come up with my husband. Had I then said 'yes,' you would have given me all three. Lord, I'm not in the best of health and would not be able to take care of all three husbands, so THAT'S why I said 'yes' to George Clooney. And so the Lord let her keep him. The moral of this story is:
Whenever a woman lies, it's for a good and honourable reason, and in the best interest of others. That's our story, and we're sticking to it!! Signed, All Us Women
