A man buys several sheep, hoping to breed them for wool. After several weeks, he notices that none of the sheep are getting pregnant, and calls a vet for help. The vet tells him that he should try artificial insemination.
The guy doesn't have the slightest idea what this means but not wanting to display his ignorance, only asks the vet how he will know when the sheep are pregnant. The vet tells him that they will stop standing around and will lie down and wallow in the grass.
The man hangs up and gives it some thought. He comes to the conclusion that artificial insemination means he has to impregnate the sheep. So, he loads the sheep into his truck, drives them out into the woods, has sex with them all, brings them back, and goes to bed.
The next morning, he wakes and looks out at the sheep. Seeing that they are all still standing around, he concludes that the first try didn't take, and loads them in the truck again. He drives them out to the woods, bangs each sheep twice for good measure, brings them back, and goes to bed.
The next morning he wakes to find the sheep still just standing around. One more try, he tells himself, and proceeds to load them up and drive them out to the woods. He spends all day shagging the sheep and upon returning home, falls listlessly into bed.
The next morning, he cannot even raise himself from the bed to look at the sheep. He asks his wife to look out and tell him if the sheep are lying in the grass.
"No," she says, "they're all in the truck and one of them is honking the horn."
by the way Butterflies are important economically as one of the major agents of <a href="http://null/wiki/Pollination" title="Pollination">pollination</a>.
butterflies are a popular motif in the visual and literary arts.
In the year 2008 the Lord came unto Noah, who was now living in England and said: 'Once again, the earth has become wicked and over-populated, and I see the end of all flesh before me. Build another Ark and save two of every living thing along with a few good humans.'
He gave Noah the CAD drawings, saying: 'You have 6 months to build the Ark before I will start the unending rain for 40 days and 40 nights.'
Six months later, the Lord looked down and saw Noah weeping in his yard, ut no Ark.
'Noah!' he roared, 'I'm about to start the rain! Where is the Ark ?'
'Forgive me, Lord,' begged Noah, 'but things have changed. I needed Building Regulations Approval and I've been arguing with the Fire Brigade about the need for a sprinkler system.
My neighbours claim that I should have obtained planning permission for building the Ark in my garden because it is development of the site, even though in my view it is a temporary structure.
We had to then go to appeal to the Secretary of State for a decision.
Then the Department of Transport demanded a bond be posted for the future costs of moving power lines and other overhead obstructions to clear the passage for the Ark 's move to the sea. I told them that the sea would be coming to us, but they would hear nothing of it.
Getting the wood was another problem. All the decent trees have Tree Preservation Orders on them and we live in a Site of Special Scientific interest set up in order to protect the spotted owl. I tried to convince the environmentalists that I needed the wood to save the owls - but no go!
When I started gathering the animals, the RSPCA sued me. They insisted that I was confining wild animals against their will. They argued the accommodation was too restrictive, and it was cruel and inhumane to put so many animals in a confined space.
Then the County Council, the Environment Agency and the Rivers Authority ruled that I couldn't build the Ark until they'd conducted an environmental impact study on your proposed flood.
I'm still trying to resolve a complaint with the Equal Opportunities Commission on how many disabled carpenters I'm supposed to hire for my building team. The trades unions say I can't use my sons. They insist I have to hire only accredited workers with Ark-building experience.
To make matters worse, Customs and Excise seized all my assets, claiming I'm trying to leave the country illegally with endangered species.
So, forgive me, Lord, but it would take at least 10 years for me to finish thisArk. '
Suddenly the skies cleared, the sun began to shine, and a rainbow stretched across the sky.
Noah looked up in wonder and asked, 'You mean you're not going to destroy the world?'
'No,' said the Lord. '..........the British Government beat me to it.'
A young Italian girl was going on a date. Her Nana said: 'Sita here ana letame tella you about those-a younga boys. He's agonna try to kiss you on the mouth, you agonna likea dat! He's agonna try ana kiss your breasts, you are agonna likea dat too, but don'ta let him do that. But most important, he's agonna try ana lay on topa you, you are agonna likea dat, but don'ta let him do athat. Doin' thata willa disgraca da family.'
With that bit of advice, the granddaughter went on her date.
The next day she told grandma that her date went just like she had predicted: 'Nana, I didn't let him disgrace the family. When he tried, I just turned over, got on top of him, and disgraced HIS family!'
A couple was on their honeymoon, lying in bed, about ready to consummate their marriage, when the new bride says to the husband, 'I have confession to make I'm not a virgin.'
The husband replies, 'That's no big thing in this day and age.'
The wife continues, 'I've been with one guy.'
'Oh yeah? Who was the guy?'
'Tiger Woods'.
'Tiger Woods, the golfer?'
'Yeah.'
'Well, he's rich, famous and handsome.
I can see why you went to bed with him.'
The husband and wife then make passionate love.
When they are done, the husband gets up and walks to the telephone.
'What are you doing?' ask the wife.
The husband says, 'I'm hungry, I was going to call room service and get something to eat.'
'Tiger wouldn't do that.'
'Oh yeah? What would Tiger do?'
'He'd come back to bed and do it a second time.'
The husband puts down the phone and goes back to bed to make love a second time.
When they finish, he gets up and goes over to the phone.
'Now what are you doing?' she asks.
The husband says, 'I'm still hungry so I was going to get room service to get something to eat.'
'Tiger wouldn't do that.'
'Oh yeah? What would Tiger do?'
'He'd come back to bed and do it again.'
The guy slams down the phone, goes back to bed, and makes love one more time.
When they finish he's tired and beat.
He drags himself over to the phone and starts to dial.
The wife asks, 'Are you calling room service?'
'No! I'm calling Tiger Woods, to find out what the par is for this f****n hole...!!!
A Welshman was washed up on a beach after a terrible shipwreck. Only a sheep and a sheepdog were washed up with him. Looking around, he realised that they were stranded on a deserted island.
After being there a while, he got into the habit of taking his two animal companions to the beach every evening to watch the sun set.
One particular evening, the sky was a fiery red with beautiful cirrus clouds, the breeze was warm and gentle - a perfect night for romance.
As they sat there, the sheep started looking better and better to the lonely Welshman.
Soon, he leaned over to the sheep and... put his arm around it. But the sheepdog, ever protective of the sheep,growled fiercely until the man took his arm from around the sheep.
After that, the three of them continued to enjoy the sunsets together, but there was no more cuddling.
A few weeks passed by and, lo and behold, there was another shipwreck.
The only survivor was a beautiful young woman, the most beautiful woman the man had ever seen. She was in a pretty bad way when he rescued her and he slowly nursed her back to health.
When the young maiden was well enough, he introduced her to their evening beach ritual. It was another beautiful evening... red sky, cirrus clouds, a warm and gentle breeze - perfect for a night of romance.
Pretty soon, the Welshman started to get 'those feelings' again. He fought the urges as long as he could, but he finally gave in and realising he now had the opportunity, leaned over to the young woman, cautiously, and whispered in her ear,
>A man met a beautiful blonde lady and decided he wanted to marry her right away. > >She said, 'But we don't know anything about each other.' > >He said, 'That's all right, we'll learn about each other as we go along.' > >So she consented, they were married, and off they went on a honeymoon at a very nice resort. > >One morning they were lying by the pool, when he got up off of his towel, climbed up to the 10 meter board and did a two and a half tuck, followed by three rotations in the pike position, at which point he straightened out and cut the water like a knife. > >After a few more demonstrations, he came back and lay down on the towel. > >She said, 'That was incredible!' > >He said, 'I used to be an Olympic diving champion. You see, I told you we'd learn more about each other as we went along.' > >So she got up, jumped in the pool and started doing lengths. >After seventy-five lengths she climbed out of the pool, lay down on her towel and was hardly out of breath. > >He said, 'That was incredible! Were you an Olympic endurance swimmer?' > >'No,' she said, 'I was a prostitute in Liverpool but I worked both sides of the Mersey ! >
A cowboy rode into town and stopped at a saloon for a drink. Unfortunately, the locals had a habit of picking on strangers, and when the cowboy finished his drink, he found his horse had been stolen. He went back into the bar, flipped his gun into the air, caught it above his head without even looking and fired a shot into the ceiling. “Which one of you sidewinders stole my horse?” he bellowed, making the glasses on the bar shake. No-one answered. The cowboy squinted around the room then, without looking, shot the tops off three bottles of whisky on the bar. “Alright,” he snarled at the room. “I’m gonna have another beer, and if my horse ain’t back outside by the time I finish, I’m gonna have to do what I done in Texas.” The locals shifted uneasily in their seats, as the cowboy swivelled around suddenly. “And let me tell you – I really don’t want to do what I done in Texas.” Chairs creaked restlessly. The cowboy sat at the bar again, and quickly downed another beer. The locals watched as he got up, paid the bill and walked outside – to find his horse back where he’d left it. As he saddled-up and started to ride out of town, the bartender came out of the bar. Unable to contain his curiosity, he approached the lone wanderer. “Say partner, before you go, tell me – what happened in Texas?” The cowboy turned back, with a long face: “I had to walk home.”
A salesman drove into a small town where a circus was in progress. A sign
read: 'Don't Miss The Amazing Scotsman'.
The salesman bought a ticket and sat down.
There, on centre stage, was a table with three walnuts on it. Standing next to it was an old Scotsman called Billy.
Suddenly Billy lifted his kilt, whipped out a huge willy and smashed all three walnuts with three mighty swings!
The crowd erupted in applause as the elderly Scot was carried off on the shoulders of the crowd.
Ten years later the salesman visited the same little town and saw a faded sign for the same circus and the same sign 'Don't Miss The Amazing Scotsman'.
He couldn't believe the old guy was still alive much less still doing his act!
He bought a ticket. Again, the centre ring was illuminated. This time, however, instead of walnuts, three coconuts were placed on the table.
The Scotsman stood before them, then suddenly lifted his kilt and shattered the coconuts with three swings of his amazing member.
The crowd went wild! Flabbergasted, the salesman requested a meeting with him after the show.
'You're incredible!' he told Billy. 'But I have to know something.
You're
older now, why switch from walnuts to coconuts?'
'Well laddie,' said the Scot, 'Ma eyes are nae whit they used tae be!
