Good one Fred, I liked that, gives me hope now that my eye sight is diminishing.

The Pons

Body Info...  (Be sure and read the last item.)

The largest cell in the human body is the female egg and the smallest is the male sperm.
It takes the food seven seconds to get from your mouth to your stomach. 
One human hair can support 3 kg (6 lb). 
The average man's penis is three times the length of his thumb. 
Human thighbones are stronger than concrete. 
A woman's heart beats faster than a man's. 
There are about one trillion bacteria on each of your feet. 
Women blink twice as often as men. 
The average person's skin weighs twice as much as the brain. 
Your body uses 300 muscles to balance itself when you are standing still. 
If saliva cannot dissolve something, you cannot taste it. 
Men that read this are probably still busy checking their thumbs....

 For Bill....No, resting

Two Aussie builders (Phil and Eric) are seated either side of a table in a
rough
pub when a well-dressed man enters, orders a beer and sits on a stool at the
bar. The two builders start to speculate about the occupation of the suit.



Phil: - I reckon he's an accountant.



Eric: - No way - he's a stockbroker.



Phil: - He ain't no stockbroker! A stockbroker wouldn't come in here!



The argument repeats itself for some time until the volume of beer gets the
better of Phil and he makes for the toilet. On entering the toilet he sees
that
the suit is standing at a urinal. Curiosity and the several beers get the
better of the builder.



Phil: - 'Scuse me.. No offence meant, but me and me mate were wondering what
you do for a living?





Suit: - No offence taken! I'm a Logical Scientist by profession.



Phil: - Oh! What's that then?



Suit: - I'll try to explain by example... Do you have a goldfish at home?



Phil: - Er... Mmm . Well yeah, I do as it happens!



Suit: - Well, it's logical to follow that you keep it in a bowl or in a
pond.
Which is it?



Phil: - It's in a pond!



Suit: - Well then it's reasonable to suppose that you have a large garden



Phil: - As it happens, yes I have got a big garden!



Suit: - Well then it's logical to assume that in this town if you have a
large
garden then you have a large house?



Phil: - As it happens I've got a five-bedroom house...built it myself!



Suit: - Well given that you've built a five-bedroom house it is logical to
assume that you haven't built it just for yourself and that you are quite
probably married?



Phil: - Yes I am married, I live with my wife and three children.



Suit: - Well then it is logical to assume that you are sexually active with
your wife on a regular basis?



Phil:- Yep! Four nights a week!



Suit: - Well then it is logical to suggest that you do not masturbate very
often?



Phil: - Me? Never.



Suit: - Well there you are! That's logical science at work!



Phil: - How's that then?



Suit: - Well from finding out that you had a goldfish, I've told you about
your
sex life!



Phil: - I see! That's pretty impressive...thanks mate!



Both leave the toilet and Phil returns to his mate.



Eric: - I see the suit was in there. Did you ask him what he does?



Phil: - Yep! He's a logical scientist!



Eric: - What's that then?



Phil: - I'll try and explain. Do you have a goldfish?



Eric: - Nope.



Phil: - Well then, you're a wanker...
 

Claude the hypnotist exclaimed, "I'm here to put you into a trance; I intend to hypnotise each and every member of the audience." 

The excitement was almost electric as Claude withdrew a beautiful antique pocket watch from his coat. "I want you each to keep your eye on this antique watch. It's a very special watch. It's been in my family for six generations." 

He began to swing the watch gently back and forth while quietly chanting, "Watch the watch, watch the watch, watch the watch..."

The crowd became mesmerised as the watch swayed back and forth, light gleaming off its polished surface. Hundreds of pairs of eyes followed the swaying watch, until, suddenly, it slipped from the hypnotist's finger and fell to the floor, shattering into a hundred pieces. 

"Sh*t,"  said the Hypnotist.....

>

>

It took three days to clean up the old people's home.

QUESTIONS THAT HAUNT  ME!

If you have sex with a prostitute against her will, is it considered

rape or shoplifting?

___________________________________

Can you cry under water?

___________________________________

How important does a person have to be before they are considered

assassinated instead of just murdered?

___________________________________

Why do you have to 'put your two cents in'.. but it's only a 'penny for

your thoughts'?  Where's that extra penny going to?

__________________________________

Once you're in heaven, do you get stuck wearing the clothes you were

Buried in for eternity?

___________________________________

Why does a round pizza come in a square box?

__________________________________

What disease did cured ham actually have?

___________________________________

How is it that we put man on the moon before we figured out it would be

A good idea to put wheels on luggage?

__________________________________

Why is it that people say they 'slept like a baby' when babies wake up

Like every two hours?

___________________________________

If a deaf person has to go to court, is it still called a hearing?

___________________________________

Why are you IN a movie, but you're ON TV?

___________________________________

Why do people pay to go up tall buildings and then put money in

Binoculars to look at things on the ground?

___________________________________

Why do doctors leave the room while you change?

They're going to see you naked anyway.

___________________________________

Why is 'bra' singular and 'panties' plural?

___________________________________

Why do toasters always have a setting that burns the toast to a horrible

crisp, which no decent human being would eat?

___________________________________

If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a stupid song about

him?

___________________________________

Can a hearse carrying a corpse drive in the carpool lane?

___________________________________

Why does Goofy stand erect while Pluto remains on all fours?

They're both dogs!

___________________________________

If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from

vegetables, what is baby oil made from?

___________________________________

If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?

___________________________________

Do the Alphabet song and Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star have the same

tune?

__________________________________

Why did you just try singing the two songs above?

___________________________________

Why do they call it an asteroid when it's outside the hemisphere, but

Call it a hemorrhoid when it's in your butt?

___________________________________

Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog's face, he gets mad at

you, but when you take him for a car ride, he sticks his head out the window?

___________________________________

Do you ever wonder why you gave me your e-mail address in the first

place?

those who haven't seen it already!

TRADITIONAL ECONOMICS

You have two cows.

You sell one and buy a bull.

Your herd multiplies and the economy grows.

You retire on the income.

INDIAN ECONOMICS

You have two cows.

You worship them.

PAKISTAN ECONOMICS

You don't have any cows.

You claim that the Indian cows belong to you.

You ask the US for financial aid, China for military aid, British for Warplanes, Italy for machines, Germany for technology, French for submarines, Switzerland for loans, Russia for drugs and Japan for equipment.

You buy the cows with all this and claim of exploitation by the world.

AMERICAN ECONOMICS

You have two cows.

You sell one and force the other to produce the milk of four cows.

You profess surprise when the cow drops dead.

FRENCH ECONOMICS

You have two cows.

You go on strike because you want three cows.

GERMAN ECONOMICS

You have two cows.

You reengineer them so that they live for 100 years, eat once a month and milk themselves.

BRITISH ECONOMICS

You have two cows.

They are both mad cows.

ITALIAN ECONOMICS

You have two cows.

You don't know where they are. You break for lunch.

SWISS ECONOMICS

You have 5000 cows, none of which belong to you.

You charge others for storing them.

JAPANESE ECONOMICS

You have two cows.

You redesign them so that they are one-tenth the size of an ordinary cow and produce twenty times the milk.

You then create cute cartoon cow images called Cowkimon and market them worldwide.

RUSSIAN ECONOMICS

You have two cows.

You count them and learn you have five cows. You count them again and learn you have 42 cows. You count them again and learn you have 17 cows.

You give up counting and open another bottle of vodka.

CHINESE ECONOMICS

You have two cows.

You have 300 people milking them.

You claim full employment, high bovine productivity and arrest anyone reporting the actual numbers.

A WOMAN'S POEM:?

Before I lay me down to sleep,? I pray for a man, who's not a creep,

One who's handsome, smart and strong.? One who loves to listen long,

One who thinks before he speaks,? One who'll call, not wait for weeks.

I pray he's gainfully employed,? When I spend his cash, won't be annoyed.

Pulls out my chair and opens my door.? Massages my back and begs to do more.

Oh! Send me a man who'll make love to my mind,? Knows what to answer to 'how big is my behind?'

I pray that this man will love me to no end,? And always be my very best friend.

A MAN'S POEM:

I pray for a deaf-mute gymnast nymphomaniac with

huge boobs who owns a bar on a golf course,

and loves to send me fishing and drinking. This

doesn't rhyme and I don't give a shit.

The End

For me!

The Irish Sex Fairy

 Be sure to read the warning at the bottom. I didn't change a word! I'm not messing with the Irish Sex Fairy!

 1. Sex is a beauty treatment. Scientific tests find that when women make love they produce amounts of the hormone estrogen, which makes hair shine and skin smooth.
2. Gentle, relaxed lovemaking reduces your chances of suffering dermatitis, skin rashes and blemishes. The sweat produced cleanses the pores and makes your skin glow.=============

3. Lovemaking can burn up those calories you piled on during that romantic dinner. =============

4. Sex is one of the safest sports you can take up. It stretches and tones up just about every muscle in the body. It's more enjoyable than swimming 20 laps, or jogging 20 blocks and you don't need special sneakers! =============

5. Sex is an instant cure for mild depression. It releases endorphins into the bloodstream, producing a sense of euphoria and leaving you with a feeling of well-being. =============

6. The more sex you have, the more you will be offered. The sexually active body gives off greater quantities of chemicals called pheromones. These subtle sex perfumes drive the opposite sex crazy! =============

7 . Sex is the safest tranquilizer in the world. IT IS 10 TIMES MORE EFFECTIVE THAN VALIUM. =============

8. Kissing each day will keep the dentist away. Kissing encourages saliva to wash food from the teeth and lowers the level of the acid that causes decay, preventing plaque build-up. =============

9. Sex actually relieves headaches. A lovemaking session can release the tension that restricts blood vessels in the brain. =============

10. A lot of lovemaking can unblock a stuffy nose. Sex is a natural antihistamine. It can help combat asthma and hay fever. =============

This message has been sent to you for good luck in sex. The original is in a room in the basement of the Dwight House Pub. It has been sent around the world nine times. Now sex has been sent to you. The 'Irish Sex Fairy' will visit you within four days of receiving this message, provided you, in turn, send it on. If you don't, then you will never receive good sex again for the rest of your life. You will eventually become celibate, and your genitals will rot and fall off.

This is no joke! Send copies to people you think need sex (who doesn't?). Don't send money, as the fate of your genitals has no price. Do not keep this message. This message must leave your e-mail in 5 hours. Please send 10 copies and see what happens in four days.

I've now sent it to 50000+ people so, If you don't hear from me for a few days or Years, you will know why

for anybody not easily offended

to brighten up your day


A farmer in Devon has made history by growing a field of dil*os!  Unfortunately he's had a lot of trouble with squatters!

85% of Liverpudlian males say they enjoy sex in the shower........ The other 15% haven't been to prison yet

Bas *tards! Just been thrown out & barred from the local swimming baths because I had my Speedo trunks on! What I didn't know was the 'S' had come off the logo!!

Just bought a racehorse called 'My Face', It may not be any good but I can't wait to hear all the women in the crowd screaming 'come on .. .My face

I've just been 2 my first Muslim birthday party! Musical chairs was a bit slow but f*ck me pass the parcel was fast!

The latest club craze is to fill a woman's va *ina with vodka and then suck it out using a straw. Doctors are warning about the dangers of minge drinking

2 Irish couples decide to swap partners. Afterwards Paddy said to Murphy that's the best f*ck I've ever had, I wonder how the girls got on ?

Paddy weighs 20st, so his doctor puts him on a diet. 'I want you to eat regularly for 2 days, then skip a day and repeat this for 2 weeks, you should loose 5lbs.' When Paddy returned, he shocked the doctor by having lost 4st. 'That?s amazing the doc said'...Paddy nodded...'I'll tell you be Jesus, I taut I was gonna drop dead by da 3rd day.' 'What from hunger said the doc?'...'No from the f........g skipping!'

THE BBC HAVE SAID THAT BLACK AND ASIANS ARE NOT REPRESENTED ENOUGH ON TV SO THEY'RE PUTTING CRIMEWATCH ON TWICE A WEEK.

Just popped home, caught the plumber with his dick in the dog! Can't believe the police won't do anything! They said the b*stard was corgi registered

Are you available to come to a charity pancake competition on Shrove Tuesday? The organisers have the pans and the ingredients they just need a tos *er.

Quote for the day: 

'Whatever you give a woman, she's going to multiply.

If you give her sperm, she'll give you a baby.

If you give her a house, she'll give you a home.

If you give her groceries, she'll give you a meal.

If you give her a smile, she'll give you her heart.

She multiplies and enlarges what is given to her.' 

So - if you give her crap,

you will receive more shit than any one human being can handle 

Love and appreciate all the women in your life.

ME

The Pastor's Ass
>>
>>The pastor entered his donkey in a race and it won.
>>The pastor was so pleased with the donkey that he
>>entered it in the race again, and it won again.
>>
>>The local paper read:
>>PASTOR'S ASS OUT FRONT.
>>The Bishop was so upset with this kind of publicity that
>>he ordered the pastor not to enter the donkey in another race.
>>
>>The next day, the local paper headline read:
>>BISHOP SCRATCHES PASTOR'S ASS.
>>This was too much for the bishop, so he ordered the pastor
>>to get rid of the donkey.
>>
>>The pastor decided to give it to a nun in a nearby convent.
>>The local paper, hearing of the news, posted the following headline
>>the next day:
>>NUN HAS BEST ASS IN TOWN.
>>
>>The bishop fainted.
>>He informed the nun that she would have to get rid of the donkey, so
>>she sold it to a farmer for $10.
>>The next day the paper read:
>>NUN SELLS ASS FOR $10.
>>
>>This was too much for the bishop, so he ordered the nun to buy back
>>the donkey and lead it to the plains where it could run wild.
>>The next day the headlines read:
>>NUN ANNOUNCES HER ASS IS WILD AND FREE.
>>
>>The bishop was buried the next day.
>>
>>The moral of the story is . . being concerned about public opinion
>>can bring you much grief and misery . . even shorten your life.
>>
>>So be yourself and enjoy life.
>>
>>Stop worrying about everyone else's ass and you'll be a lot happier
>>and live longer!
>>
>>Have a nice day!
>>
>>
>>Now!

Lessons in Logic 

If your father is a poor man,
it is your fate but,
if your father-in-law is a poor man,
it's your stupidity.

........................................................................ 

I was born intelligent -
education ruined me. 

........................................................................ 


Practice makes perfect..... 
But nobody's perfect......
so why practice?

........................................................................ 


If it's true that we are here to help others,
then what exactly are the others here for? 

........................................................................


Since light travels faster than sound,
people appear bright until you hear them speak.

........................................................................ 


How come 'abbreviated' is such a long word? 

........................................................................


Money is not everything.
There's Mastercard & Visa. 

....................................................................... 


One should love animals.
They are so tasty.

........................................................................ 


Behind every successful man, there is a woman
And behind every unsuccessful man, there are two. 

........................................................................


Every man should marry.
After all, happiness is not the only thing in
life.

........................................................................ 


The wise never marry.
and when they marry they become otherwise. 

........................................................................


Success is a relative term.
It brings so many relatives. 

........................................................................ 


Never put off the work till tomorrow
what you can put off today. 

........................................................................ 


'Your future depends on your dreams'
So go to sleep 

........................................................................


There should be a better way to start a day 
Than waking up every morning

........................................................................ 


'Hard work never killed anybody'
But why take the risk

........................................................................ 


'Work fascinates me'
I can look at it for hours 

........................................................................


God made relatives;
Thank God we can choose our friends. 

........................................................................ 


The more you learn, the more you know,
The more you know, the more you forget
The more you forget, the less you know
So.. why learn. 


.........................................................................

A bus station is where a bus stops.

A train station is where a train stops.

On my desk, I have a work station.... 
what more can I say........

An oldie