Five surgeons from big cities are discussing who makes the best patient to operate on.
The first surgeon, from New York, says, “I like to see accountants on my operating table because when you open them up, everything inside is numbered"
The second, from Chicago, responds, “Yeah, but you should try electricians.Everything inside them is color coded.”
The third surgeon, from Houston , says, “No, I really think librarians are the best, everything inside them is in alphabetical order.”
The fourth surgeon, from Los Angeles chimes in: “You know, I like construction workers… Those guys always understand when you have a few parts left over.”
But the fifth surgeon, from Washington, DC, shut them all up when he observed: “You’re all wrong. Politicians are the easiest to operate on. There's no guts, no heart, no balls, no brains and no spine, and the head and the ass are interchangeable.”
THE RING... An older, white haired man walked into a jewelry store one Friday evening with a beautiful young woman at his side. He told the jeweler he was looking for a special ring for his girlfriend. The jeweler looked through his stock and brought out a £5,000 ring. The old man said, 'No, I'd like to see something a little more special.' At that statement, the jeweller went to his special stock and brought another ring over. 'Here's a stunning ring at only £40,000 the jeweler said.
The young lady's eyes sparkled and her whole body trembled with excitement. The old man seeing this said, 'We'll take it.' The jeweler asked how payment would be made and the old man stated, by check. I know you need to make sure my check is good, so I'll write it now and you can call the bank Monday to verify the funds and we'll pick the ring up Monday afternoon,' he said. Monday morning, the jeweler phoned the old man. 'There's no money in that account.'
'I know,' said the old man, 'But let me tell you about my weekend!'
Miss Beatrice, the church organist, was in her eighties and had never been married.
She was admired for her sweetness and kindness to all.
One afternoon the pastor came to call on her and she showed him into her quaint sitting room.
She invited him to have a seat while she prepared tea.
As he sat facing her old Hammond organ, the young minister noticed a cute-glass bowl sitting on top of it.
The bowl was filled with water, and in the water floated, of all things, a condom! When she returned with tea and scones, they began to chat. The pastor tried to stifle his curiosity about the bowl of water and its strange floater, but soon it got the better of him and he could no longer resist.
'Miss Beatrice', he said, 'I wonder if you would tell me about this?' pointing to the bowl.
'Oh, yes,' she replied, 'Isn't it wonderful? I was walking through the Park a few months ago and I found this little package on the ground.
The directions said to place it on the organ, keep it wet and that it would prevent the spread of disease.
Following the problems in the sub-prime lending market in America and the run on HBOS in the UK , uncertainty has now hit Japan .
In the last 7 hours Origami Bank has folded, Sumo Bank has gone belly up and Bonsai Bank announced plans to cut some of its branches. Yesterday, it was announced that Karaoke Bank is up for sale and will likely go for a song, while today shares in Kamikaze Bank were suspended after they nose-dived.
Samurai Bank is soldiering on following sharp cutbacks, Ninja Bank is reported to have taken a hit, but they remain in the black. Furthermore, 500 staff at Karate Bank got the chop and analysts report that there is something fishy going on at Sushi Bank where it is feared that staff may get a raw deal.
Whether Labour, Liberal, or Conservative, you should get a kick out of this!
A little boy goes to his dad and asks, 'What is Politics?' Dad says, 'Well son, let me try to explain it this way: I am the head of the family , so call me The Prime Minister. Your mother is the administrator of the money, so! we call her the Government. We are here to take care of your needs, so we will call you the People. The nanny, we will consider her the Working Class. And your baby brother, we will call him the Future. Now think about that and see if it makes sense.' So the little boy! Goes off to bed thinking about what Dad has said. Later that night, he hears his baby brother crying, so he gets up to check on him. He finds that the baby has severely soiled his nappie. So the little boy goes to his parents' room and finds his mother asleep. Not wanting to wake her, he goes to the nanny's room Finding the door locked, he peeks in the keyhole and sees his father in bed with the nanny. He gives up and goes back to bed. The next morning, the little boy says to his father, 'Dad, I think I understand the concept of politics now.' The father says, 'Good, son, tell me in your own words what you think politics is all about.' The little boy replies, 'The Prime Minister is screwing the WorkingClass while the Government is sound asleep. The People are being ignored and the Future is in deep shit.
Wife : Nothing...?? U've been reading our marriage certificate for an hour ??
Husband : I was just looking for the expiry date...
Q - What is the Difference Between Mother & Wife ?A - One Woman Brings U into this world crying... & the other ensures U Continue to do so.
Wife : Do you want dinner?
Husband : Sure, what are my choices?
Wife : Yes and no.
Wife:You always carry my photo in your handbag to the office. Why?
Husband: When there is a problem, no matter how impossible, I look at your picture and the problem disappears.
Wife: You see, how miraculous and powerful I am for you?Husband: Yes, I see your picture and say to myself, "What other problem can there be greater than this one?"
Girl: When we get married, I want to share all your worries, troubles and lighten your burden.
Boy: It's very kind of you, darling, But I don't have any worries or troubles.
Girl: Well that's because we aren't married yet.
Son: Mom, when I was on the bus with Dad this morning, he told me to give up my seat to a lady.
Mom: Well, you have done the right thing. Son: But mum, I was sitting on daddy's lap.
A newly married man asked his wife, "Would you have married me if my father hadn't left me a fortune?""
"Honey," the woman replied sweetly, "I'd have married you NO MATTER WHO LEFT YOU A FORTUNE"
Father to son after exam: "Let me see your report card."
Son: "My friend just borrowed it. He wants to scare his parents."
Interviewer to Millionaire: To whom do you owe your success as a millionaire?
"Millionaire: "I owe everything to my wife.
" Interviewer: "Wow, she must be some woman. What were you before you married her?
"Millionaire: " Billionaire"
Girl to her boyfriend: One kiss and I'll be yours forever.T
he guy replies: Thanks for the warning
A wife asked her husband: "What do you like most in me my pretty face or my body?"
aaw, I'm touched.
