1. Put 400 bricks in a closed room. 2. Put your new employees in the room and close the door. 3. Leave them alone and come back after 6 hours. 4. Then analyse the situation: a. If they are counting the bricks, put them in the Accounting Department. b. If they are recounting them, put them inAuditing. c. If they have messed up the whole place with the bricks, put them inEngineering. d. If they are arranging the bricks in some strange order, put them inPlanning. e. If they are throwing the bricks at each other, put them in Operations. f. If they are sleeping, put them inSecurity. g. If they have broken the bricks into pieces, put them in InformationTechnology. h. If they are sitting idle, put them inHuman Resources. i. If they say they have tried different combinations, they are looking for more, yet not a brick has been moved, put them inSales. j. If they have already left for the day, put them inMarketing. k. If they are staring out of the window, put them inStrategic Planning. l. If they are talking to each other, and not a single brick has been moved, congratulate them and put them inTop Management .
Finally, if they have surrounded themselves with bricks in such a way that they can neither be seen nor heard from, put them in Government.
Adam was hanging around the garden of Eden feeling very lonely. So, God asked him, "What's wrong with you?" Adam said he didn't have anyone to talk to. God said that He was going to make Adam a companion and that it would be a woman. He said, "This pretty lady will gather food for you, she will cook for you,and when you discover clothing, she will wash it for you She will always agree with every decision you make and she will not nag you, and will always be the first to admit she was wrong when you've had a disagreement. She will praise you! She will bear your children.and never ask you to get up in the middle of the night to take care of them."She will NEVER have a headache and will freely give you love andpassion whenever you need it."
Adam asked God, "What will a woman like this cost?"
God replied, "An arm and a leg."
Then Adam asked, "What can I get for arib?" Of course the rest is history............!!!!
An interesting tale of monkeys, Very current affairs
Once upon a time in a village, a man appeared and announced to the villagers that he would buy monkeys for $10 each.
The villagers seeing that there were many monkeys around, went out to the forest, and started catching them. The man bought thousands at $10 and as supply started to diminish, the villagers stopped their effort. He further announced that he would now buy at $20. This renewed the efforts of the villagers and they started catching monkeys again.
Soon the supply diminished even further and people started going back to their farms. The offer increased to $25 each and the supply of monkeys became so little that it was an effort to even see a monkey, let alone catch it! The man now announced that he would buy monkeys at $50 ! However, since he had to go to the city on some business, his assistant would now buy on behalf of him.
In the absence of the man, the assistant told the villagers. "Look at all these monkeys in the big cage that the man has collected. I will sell them to you at $35 each, and when the man returns from the city, you can sell them to him for $50 each." The villagers rounded up with all their savings and bought all the monkeys.
Then they never saw the man nor his assistant, only monkeys everywhere!
Now you have a better understanding of how the stock market works.
In case you needed further proof that the human race is doomed through stupidity, here are some actual label instructions on consumer goods.
On Tesco's Tiramisu dessert (printed on bottom) -- 'Do not turn upside down.' (well...duh, a bit late, huh!)
On Sainsbury's peanuts -- 'Warning: contains nuts.' (talk about a news flash)
On Boot's Children Cough Medicine -- 'Do not drive a car or operate machinery after taking this medication.' (We could do a lot to reduce the rate of construction accidents if we could just get those 5 year-olds with head-colds off those bulldozers.)
On Marks &Spencer Bread Pudding -- 'Product will be hot after heating.' (...and you thought????...)
On a Sears hairdryer -- Do not use while sleeping.
(That's the only time I have to work on my hair.)
On a bag of Fritos -- You could be a winner! No purchase necessary. Details inside. (the shoplifter special?)
On a bar of Dial soap -- 'Directions: Use like regular soap.' (and that would be???....)
On some Swanson frozen dinners -- 'Serving suggestion: Defrost.' (but, it's just a suggestion.)
On packaging for a Rowenta iron -- 'Do not iron clothes on body.' (but wouldn't this save me time?)
On Nytol Sleep Aid -- 'Warning: May cause drowsiness.' (..I'm taking this because???.....)
On most brands of Christmas lights -- 'For indoor or outdoor use only.' (as opposed to what?)
On a Japanese food processor -- 'Not to be used for the other use.' (now, somebody out there, help me on this. I'm a bit curious.)
On an American Airlines packet of nuts -- 'Instructions: Open packet, eat nuts.' (Step 3: say what?)
On a child's Superman costume -- 'Wearing of this garment does not enable you to fly.' (I don't blame the company, I blame the parents for this one.)
On a Swedish chainsaw -- 'Do not attempt to stop chain with your hands or genitals.' (Oh my God..was there a lot of this happening somewhere?)
Blessed are the cracked: for it is they who let in the light
Young King Arthur was ambushed and imprisoned by the monarch of a neighboring kingdom. The monarch could have killed him but was moved by Arthur's youth and ideals. So, the monarch offered him his freedom, as long as he could answer a very difficult question. Arthur would have a year to figure out the answer and, If after a year, he still had no answer, he would be put to death. The question was: What do women really want? Such a question would perplex even the most knowledgeable man, And to young Arthur, it seemed an impossible query. But, since it was better than death, He accepted the monarch's proposition to have an answer by year's end. He returned to his kingdom and began to poll everyone: The princess, the priests, the wise men, and even the court jester. He spoke with everyone, but no one could give him a satisfactory answer. Many people advised him to consult the old witch, For only she would have the answer. But the price would be high as the witch was famous through out the kingdom for the exorbitant prices she charged. The last day of the year arrived and Arthur had no choice but to talk to the witch. She agreed to answer the question, but he would ha ve to agree to her price first. The old witch wanted to marry Sir Lancelot, The most noble of the Knights of the Round Table, And Arthur's closest friend! Young Arthur was horrified. She was hunch-backed and hideous, had only one tooth, Smelled like sewage, made obscene noises, etc.
(If you are a man reading this...) What would YOUR choice be? (If you are a woman reading this) What would YOUR MAN'S choice be? What Lancelot chose, is given below:
Noble Lancelot, knowing the answer the witch gave Arthur to his question, He said that he would allow HER to make the choice herself.
Upon hearing this, she announced that she would be beautiful all the time. Because, he had respected her enough to let her be in charge of her own life. Now... what is the moral to this story? The moral is... 1) There is a witch in every woman no matter how beautiful she is! 2) If you don't let a woman have her own way, things are going to get ugly.
An Amish woman and her daughter were riding in an old buggy one cold blustery day. The daughter said to her mother, 'My hands are freezing cold.'
The mother replied, 'Put them between your legs. Your body heat will warm them up.' The daughter did, and her hands warmed up.
The next day, the daughter was riding with her boyfriend who said, 'My hands are freezing cold.' The girl replied, 'Put them between my legs. The warmth of my body will warm them up.' He did and warmed his hands.
The following day, the boyfriend was again in the buggy with the daughter. He said, 'My nose is cold.'
The girl replied, 'Put it between my legs. The warmth of my body will warm it up'. He did and warmed his nose.
The next day the boyfriend was again driving with the daughter, and he said, 'My penis is frozen solid.'
The following day the daughter was driving in the buggy with her mother again, and she says to her mother, 'Have you ever heard of a penis?'
Slightly concerned the mother said,' Why, yes...?! Why do you ask?'
The daughter replies: 'They make one heck of a mess when they defrost, don't they?!
In the beginning God covered the earth with broccoli,cauliflowers,and spinach,with green,yellow and red vegetables of all kinds so Man and Woman would live long and healthy lives.
Then using God's bountiful gifts,Satan created Dairy Ice Cream and Magnums.And Satan said,"You want hot fudge with that?"And Man said "Yes" and Woman said "I'll have one too with chocolate chips". And lo they gained 10 pounds.
And God created the healthy yoghurt that woman might keep the figure that man found so fair. And Satan brought forth white flour from the wheat and sugar from the can and combined them. And Woman went from size 12 to size 14.
So God said,"Try my fresh green salad". And Satan presented Blue Cheese dressing and garlic croutons on the side.And Man and Woman unfastened their belts following the repast.
God then said "l have sent you healthy vegetables and olive oil in which to cook them". And Satan brought forth deep fried coconut king prawns, butter-dipped lobster chunks and chicken fried steak,so big that it needed its own platter, and Man's cholesterol went through the roof.
Then God brought forth the potato; naturally low in fat and brimming with potassium and good nutrition. Then Satan peeled off the healthy skin and sliced the starch centre into chips and deep-fried them in animal fats adding copious quantities of salt.And Man put on more pounds.
God then brought forth running shoes so that his children might loose those extra pounds. And Satan came forth-with a TV remote control so that Man and Woman laughed and cried before the flickering light and started to wear jogging suits.
Then God gave lean beef so that Man might consume fewer calories and still satisfy his appetite. And Satan created McDonalds and the 99p double cheeseburger.Then Satan said "You want fries with that?" and Man replied "Yes and super size 'em'" And Satan said "It is good" And Man and Woman went into cardiac arrest.
God sighed.....And created quadruple by-pass surgery. And then.....Satan chuckled and created the National Health Service.
Bob, a handsome dude, walked into a sports bar around 9:58 PM. He sat down next to a blonde at the bar and stared up at the TV.
The 10:00 PM news was coming on. The news crew was covering a story of a man on a ledge of a large building preparing to jump. The blonde looked at Bob and said, 'Do you think he'll jump?' Bob says, 'You know, I bet he'll jump.' The blonde replied, 'Well, I bet he won't.' Bob placed a $20 bill on the bar and said, 'You're on!'
Just as the blonde placed her money on the bar, the guy on the ledge did a swan dive off the building, falling to his death.
The blonde was very upset, but willingly handed her $20 to Bob, saying, 'Fair's fair. Here's your money.'
Bob replied, 'I can't take your money, I saw this earlier on the 5 PM news and so I knew he would jump.' The blond replied, 'I did too; but I didn't think he'd do it again.'
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