Two elderly women were eating breakfast in a restaurant one morning. Ethel noticed something funny about Mabel's ear and she said, ''Mabel, do you know you've got a suppository in your left ear?'
Mabel answered, 'I have a suppository in my ear?'
She pulled it out and stared at it. Then she said, 'Ethel, I'm glad you saw this thing. Now I think I know where to find my hearing aid.'
When the husband finally died his wife put the usual death notice in the paper, but added that he died of gonorrhea. No sooner were the papers delivered when a friend of the family phoned and complained bitterly, 'You know very well that he died of diarrhea, not gonorrhea.'
Replied the widow, 'I nursed him night and day so of course I know he died of diarrhea, but I thought it would be better for posterity to remember him as a great lover rather than the big shit he always was'
An elderly couple were on a cruise and it was really stormy. They were standing on the back of the boat watching the moon, when a wave came up and washed the old woman overboard. They searched for days and couldn't find her, so the captain sent the old man back to shore with the promise that he would notify him as soon as they found something. Three weeks went by and finally the old man got a fax from the boat. It read: 'Sir, sorry to inform you, we found your wife dead at the bottom of the ocean We hauled her up to the deck and attached to her butt was an oyster and in it was a pearl worth $50,000 . . please advise.'
The old man faxed back: 'Send me the pearl and re-bait the trap.'
When I went to lunch today, I noticed an old lady sitting on a park bench sobbing her eyes out. I stopped and asked her what was wrong. She said, 'I have a 22 year old husband at home He makes love to me every morning and then gets up and makes me pancakes, sausage, fresh fruit and freshly ground coffee.'
I said, 'Well, then why are you crying?' She said, 'He makes me homemade soup for lunch and my favorite brownies and then makes love to me for half the afternoon.'
I said, 'Well, why are you crying?'
She said, 'For dinner he makes me a gourmet meal with wine and my favorite dessert and then makes love to me until 2:00 a.m.' I said, 'Well, why in the world would you be crying?'
Two elderly ladies had been friends for many decades. Over the years they had shared all kinds of activities and adventures. Lately, their activities had been limited to meeting a few times a week to play cards.
One day they were playing cards when one looked at the other and said, 'Now don't get mad at me. I know we've been friends for a long time.....but I just can't think of your name! I've thought and thought, but I can't remember it. Please tell me what your name is.'
Her friend glared at her. For at least three minutes she just stared and glared at her. Finally she said, 'How soon do you need to know?'
One day a 12-year old boy was walking down the street when a car pulled up beside him and the window was wound down. 'I'll give you a bag of lollies if you get in the car', said the male driver.
'No way, get stuffed', replied the boy. How about a bag of lollies and £10?' asked the driver.
'I said no way', replied the irritated youngster.
'What about a bag of lollies and FIFTY QUID, eh'? quizzed the driver, still rolling slowly to keep up with the walking boy.
'No, I'm not getting in the fricken car!' answered the boy
'OK, I know what you want, I'll give you £100 and a bag of lollies', the driver offered.
'NO,' screamed the boy.
'What will it take to get you into the car'? asked the driver with a long sigh.
The boy replied, 'Listen Dad, you bought the Skoda, you live with it.'
I was walking past the mental hospital the other day, and all the patients were shouting ,'13....13....13' The fence was too high to see over,but I saw a little gap in the planks and looked through to see what was going on. Some bastard poked me in the eye with a stick. Then they all started shouting '14....14....14'...
Ed was in trouble. He forgot his wedding anniversary. His wife was really upset.
She told him 'Tomorrow morning I expect to find a gift in thedriveway that goes from 0 to 200 in 6 seconds AND IT HAD BETTER BETHERE.
'The next morning Ed got up early and left for work. When his wife woke up, she looked out of the window and sure enough there was a small boxgift-wrapped in the middle of the driveway.
Confused, she put on her robe,ran out on to the driveway and picked up the box.
She opened it and found a brand some bathroom scales.
Funeral services for Ed have been scheduled for Friday.
The Smiths were unable to conceive children and decided to use a surrogate father to start their family. On the day the proxy father was to arrive, Mr. Smith kissed his wife goodbye and said, 'Well, I'm off now. The man should be here soon.' Half an hour later, just by chance, a door-to-door baby photographer happened to ring the doorbell, hoping to make a sale. 'Good morning, Ma'am', he said, 'I've come to...' 'Oh, no need to explain,' Mrs. Smith cut in, embarrassed, 'I've been expecting you.' 'Have you really?' said the photographer. 'Well, that's good. Did you know babies are my specialty?' 'Well that's what my husband and I had hoped. Please come in and have a seat'. After a moment she asked, blushing, 'Well, where do we start?' 'Leave everything to me. I usually try two in the bathtub, one on the couch, and perhaps a couple on the bed. And sometimes the living room floor is fun. You can really spread out there.' 'Bathtub, living room floor? No wonder it didn't work out for Harry and me!' 'Well, Ma'am, none of us can guarantee a good one every time. But if we try several different positions and I shoot from six or seven angles, I'm sure you'll be pleased with the results.' 'My, that's a lot!', gasped Mrs. Smith. 'Ma'am, in my line of work a man has to take his time. I'd love to be In and out in five minutes, but I'm sure you'd be disappointed with that.' 'Don't I know it,' said Mrs. Smith quietly. The photographer opened his briefcase and pulled out a portfolio of his baby pictures. 'This was done on the top of a bus,' he said. 'Oh, my word!' Mrs. Smith exclaimed, grasping at her throat. 'And these twins turned out exceptionally well - when you consider their mother was so difficult to work with.' 'She was difficult?' asked Mrs. Smith. 'Yes, I'm afraid so. I finally had to take her to the park to get the job done right. People were crowding around four and five deep to get a good look' 'Four and five deep?' said Mrs. Smith, her eyes wide with amazement. 'Yes', the photographer replied. 'And for more than three hours, too. The mother was constantly squealing and yelling - I could hardly concentrate, and when darkness approached I had to rush my shots. Finally, when the squirrels began nibbling on my equipment, I just had to pack it all in.' Mrs. Smith leaned forward. 'Do you mean they actually chewed on your, uh...equipment?' 'It's true, Ma'am, yes.. Well, if you're ready, I'll set-up my tripod and we can get to work right away.' 'Tripod?' 'Oh yes, Ma'am. I need to use a tripod to rest my Canon on. It's much too big to be held in the hand for very long.' Mrs. Smith fainted.....
A man, who had just died, was delivered to a local mortuary. He was wearing an expensive, expertly tailored black suit.
The Blonde mortician asked the deceased man's wife how she would like the body to be dressed. She pointed out that the man looked good in the black suit he was already wearing.
The widow, however, said that she always thought her husband looked his best in blue, and so she wanted him in a blue suit. She gave the Blonde mortician a blank check and said, 'I don't care what it costs, ! but please have my husband in a blue suit for the viewing.'
The woman returned the next day for the wake. To her delight, she found her husband dressed in a gorgeous blue suit with a subtle chalk stripe. Furthermore, the suit fit him perfectly.
The wife said to the mortician, 'Whatever this cost, I'm very satisfied. You did an excellent job and I'm very grateful. How much did you spend?' To her astonishment, the blonde mortician gave her back the blank cheque 'There's no charge,' she said.
'No, really, I must compensate you for the cost of that exquisite blue suit!' she said.
'Honestly, ma'am,' the blonde said, 'it cost nothing. You see, a deceased gentleman of about your husband's size was brought in shortly after you left yesterday, and he was wearing an attractive blue suit. I asked his wife if she minded him going to his grave wearing a black suit instead of a blue one, and she said it made no difference as long as he looked nice.'
1. You accidentally enter your PIN on the microwave.
2. You haven't played solitaire with real cards in years.
3. You have a list of 15 phone numbers to reach your family of three.
4. You e-mail the person who works at the desk next to you.
5. Your reason for not staying in touch with friends and family is that they don't have e-mail addresses.
6. You pull up in your own driveway and use your cell phone to see if anyone is home to help you carry in the groceries.
7. Every commercial on television has a web site at the bottom of the screen
8. Leaving the house without your cell phone, which you didn't even have the first 20 or 30 (or 60) years of your life, is now a cause for panic and you turn around to go and get it.
10. You get up in the morning and go on line before getting your coffee.
11. You start tilting your head sideways to smile. : )
12. You're reading this and nodding and laughing.
13. Even worse, you know exactly to whom you are going to forward this message.
14. You are too busy to notice there was no #9 on this list.
15. You actually scrolled back up to check that there wasn't a #9 on this list.
A sweet grandmother telephoned St. Joseph's Hospital. She timidly asked, 'Is it possible to speak to someone who can tell me how a patient is doing?'
The operator said, 'I'll be glad to help, dear. What's the name and room number?'
The grandmother in her weak, tremulous voice said, 'Norma Findlay, Room 302.'
The operator replied, 'Let me place you on hold while I check with her nurse.'
After a few minutes, the operator returned to the phone and said, 'Oh, I have good news. Her nurse just told me that Norma is doing very well. Her blood pressure is fine; her blood work just came back as normal, and her physician, Dr. Cohen, has scheduled her to be discharged on Tuesday.'
The grandmother said, 'Thank you. That's wonder ful! I was so worried! God bless you for the good news.'
The operator replied, 'You're more than welcome. Is Norma your daughter?'
The grandmother said, 'No, I'm Norma Findlay in 302. No one tells me shit.'
