You know I luvs you ED

keep 'em coming.....

ED (The ORIGINAL and REAL one) wrote (see)

 By taking the piss out of the name Edwin -- You are taking the piss out of my poor old departed Dad (I was named after him)..........

Someone from LIVERPOOL who knows who his dad was! Now there's a novelty.

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IT WOULDN'T HAPPEN TODAY!

A woman gets on a bus with her baby.

 As she pays for her ticket, the bus driver says: "Ugh ...That's the ugliest baby I've ever seen.!"

The woman sits down, fuming.

She says to a man next to her: "The driver just insulted me!"

The man says: "You shouldn't take that. Go and tell him off – go ahead, I'll hold your monkey for you ."

hahaha

I was such an ugly baby, my mum fed me with a catapult.

I was the only kid in the street whose dummy had a nine inch flange.

Four pals go out to play golf one sunny morning. One is slow leaving the clubhouse, and the other three are discussing their children while walking to the first tee.

"My son BIll," says one, "has made quite a name for himself in the home-building industry. He began as a carpenter, but now owns his own design and construction firm. He's so successful in fact, in the last year he was able to give a good friend a brand new home as a gift."

The second man, not to be outdone, tells how his son began his career as a car salesman, but now owns a multi-line dealership. "George is so successful, in fact, in the last six months he gave his friend two brand new cars as a gift."

The third man's son, Albert, has worked his way up through a stock brokerage, and in the last few weeks has given a good friend a large stock portfolio as a gift.

As the fourth man arrives at the tee, one of the others tells him that they have been discussing their children and asks what line his son is in.

"To tell the truth, I'm not very pleased with how my son turned out," he replies. "For 15 years, Frank's been a hairdresser, and I've just recently discovered he's gay.  However, on the bright side, he must be good at what he does because his last three boyfriends have given him a brand new house, two cars, and a big pile of stock certificates."

A young 16 year old lad went in to buy a packet of condoms at the chemists.

There was a beautiful female assistant behind the counter and she could see that he was new to this. She handed him the package and asked if he knew how to wear one.

He answered honestly, "Well, not exactly; this is my first time."

So she unwrapped the package, took one out and slipped it over her thumb. She cautioned him to always make sure it was on tight and secure.

He nodded 'yes' but he still looked confused. So she looked all around the store to see if it was empty. It was.

"Just a minute," she said, as she walked to the door and locked it. Taking his hand, she led him into the back room, unbuttoned her blouse and removed it. She unhooked her bra and laid it aside.

"Do these excite you?", she asked him.

He was so dumb-struck that all he could do was nod his head rapidly and smile.

She then said it was time to slip the condom on.

As he slipped it on nice and secure, she dropped her skirt, removed her panties and lay back on the desk. "Well, come on", she said, "We don't have much time."

So he climbed up on the desk and entered her. It felt so wonderful that unfortunately he couldn't hold back and KAPOW!!, he was done within just a minute, if even that long.

She looked at him with a bit of a frown. "Did you put that condom on?", she asked.

"I sure did" he said ........and held up his thumb to show her.

A room full of little scousers are asked by their teacher to make up a sentence with the word "contagious "in it.

A little girl soon puts her hand up. "Please Miss, When I got home yesterday, my mum said "Your brother's got measles. Best keep away from him. He's very contagious""

"Excellent, that's very good Jennifer. No more than I would expect from a nice little girl like you. Now then, who's next? Oh dear. Alright Johnny, I suppose we we must hear what you've got"

 "Yes Miss. Please Miss" said the little scouser "Me and me Da were walking trew der park on our way to der offie and we came across a bloke painting the park gates. Great big tings dey are. He had the biggest can of paint ever and the tiniest brush. 

Me Da turned to me and said "Dat'll take that contagious" "

A lorry driver pulled up at a roadside cafe in the  middle of the night for a dinner stop. Halfway through his meal, three wild-looking Hells Angel motorcyclists roared up--bearded, leather-jacketed, filthy.

For no reason at all, they selected the lorry driver as a target. One poured pepper over his head, another stole his apple pie, the third deliberately tipped his coffee over.

The driver never said one word, he just stood up, paid paid for his meal, and left.

"That driver sure wasn't much of a fighter," sneered one of  the bikers.

The girl behind the counter, peering out into the night, added, "He wasn't much of a driver either. He just  ran his lorry right over three motorcycles."