Two Scotsman were discussing how far each could make 50p stretch. They agreed to try it and meet a few days later to see who won.
The first guy bought a cigar, and smoked one-third the first day and saved the ashes. He smoked one-third the second day and saved the ashes. He smoked one-third the third day and again saved the ashes. On the fourth day he gave the ashes to his wife to use as fertilizer on her roses. He told the other guy, "I know you can't beat that for stretching 50p."
The other Scotsman said,"I got you beat. I bought a Bratworst German sausage with my 50p.On the first day I ate one-half, and on the second day I ate the other half.The third day I used the skin for a condom, and the fourth day I took a shit in the skin and sealed it back up. The fifth day I took it back to the butcher and told him it smelled like shit.
A Polish man moved to England and married an English girl.Although his English was far from perfect, they got along very well. One day he rushed into a solicitors office and asked him if he could arrange a divorce for him. The solicitor said that getting a divorce would depend on the circumstances,and asked him the following questions:
"Have you any grounds?" "Yes,an acre and a half and nice little house."
"No, I mean what is the foundation of this case?" "It made of concrete."
"I don't think you understand.Does either of you have a real grudge?" "No, we have carport, and not need one."
"I mean. What are your relations like?" "All my relations still in Poland."
"Is there any infidelity in your marriage?" "We have hi-fidelity stereo and good DVD player."
"Does your wife beat you up?" "No, I always up before her."
"Is your wife a nagger?" " No,she's white."
"Why do you want this divorce?" "She's going to kill me."
"What makes you think that?" "I got proof."
"What kind of proof?" "She's going to poison me.She bought a bottle at the chemist and put it on shelf in the bathroom. I can read, and it says: 'Polish Remover'"
A little boy is waiting for his mum to come out of the changing room while shopping with her. The little boy gets bored and when his mum comes out, she finds him sliding his hand up a dummy's skirt.
"GET YOUR HAND OUT OF THERE!" she shouts. "DON'T YOU KNOW THAT ALL WOMEN HAVE GOT TEETH DOWN THERE!"
The little boy quickly snatches his hand away and thanks his lucky stars that nothing serious happened. So, for the rest of his life,this poor little boy grows up thinking that all women have teeth down below.
By the time he reaches 16, he finds himself a girl. One night, while her parents were out of town, she invites him over for a little action. After a few hours of making out and grinding on the sofa, she asks him to go a bit further.
"What do you mean?" he asks.
"Well, why don't you put your hand down there?" she replies, while moving his hand down there.
"HELL NO!" he cries, "You've got teeth down there."
"What??? No, I haven't," she responds.
"Yes, you have," he says, "My mum told me that you do."
"No I haven't," she insists, "here, look for yourself." And with that,she pulls down her pants and gives him a little peek.
"No, I'm sorry. My mum already told me that all women have teeth down there."
"Oh for goodness sake!" she screams. With that, she whips off her pants, throws her legs behind her head, and says, "Look, I haven't got any teeth down there."
"I'm not surprised" he said, "With the condition of those gums are in."
A big Texan stopped at a local restaurant following a day roaming around in Mexico While sipping his tequila, he noticed a sizzling, scrumptious looking platter being served at the next table. Not only did it look good, the smell was wonderful.
He asked the waiter, 'What is that you just served?'
The waiter replied, 'Ah senor, you have excellent taste! Those are called Cojones de Toro, bull's testicles from the bull fight this morning. A true delicacy!'
The cowboy said, 'What the heck, bring me an order.'
The waiter replied, 'I am so sorry senor. There is only one serving per day because there is only one bull fight each morning. If you come early and place your order, we will be sure to save you this delicacy.'
The next morning, the cowboy returned, placed his order, and that evening was served the one and only special delicacy of the day.
After a few bites,and inspecting his platter, he called to the waiter and said,'These are delicious, but they are much, much smaller than the ones I saw you serve yesterday.'
The waiter shrugged his shoulders and replied, 'Si, Senor.But sometimes the bull wins.'
