Want a Fishing Magic cap?

[Cliff Hatton]

We've got precisely 69 baseball-type caps - olive, embroidered in gold with the FM logo - waiting to be won by fishing-jokesters. These splendid caps can be worn back-to-front i.e. with the peak above the forehead or in the conventional style popularized by welders. Large-headed jokesters need not bother because these are medium-sized only...unless, of course, they just want to off-load a joke.

It occurred to all of us at FM Towers that even when (in the good old days) people told jokes, there were never any fishing jokes.

There was always the old stand-by about the bloke who got married because his wife had worms but it wasn't a fishing-dedicated joke for anglers-only. WAS there ever one? Perhaps you can think of one! (Let's think.........errr.........what sort of line do they use in Monmouthshire? - Monnowfilament! (How's that in 2 seconds?) Come on...you can do better. you'll receive a cap - like it or not - if your gag is considered worthy by the lovely Emma and Nicola....

Please allow 7-110 days for delivery.

 

[arthur2sheds]

A young man walking along the Pier notices an old man with his shoes off, trouser legs rolled up, legs dangling in the sea and fishing with an imaginary rod.
Puzzled the young man asks, "What are you doing?"
The old man replies, "Fishing for CeeUnext-tuesdays."
"Sounds good. Can I join you?" replied the young man.
"Of course you can, pull up a pew son."
The young man sits down and casts an imaginary rod out, and then says, "So, how many have you caught today?"
The old man replies, "You're the third this morning."

 

[wa1115]

I phoned up the fishing helpline today.

I said, "I'm **** at fishing and need some tips."

The man said, "Okay, can you hold the line

I replied 'No'

 

[Lord Paul of Sheffield]

I saw a bloke fishing the other day and I asked him, "Have you caught anything?"

He said, "I've caught loads today."

"Using maggots, are you?"

"No, liquorice."

"What have you caught with that?"

"All sorts," he said.

---------- Post added at 14:27 ---------- Previous post was at 14:25 ----------

I was fishing with my Italian friend Mario.
"I'm bored," I said. "How can we pass the time?"
"We could have a debate," he replied.
"No thanks," I said, "I've brought sandwiches."

 

[wa1115]

How do you communicate with a fish?

Drop it a line.

 

[arthur2sheds]

A young guy from Sheffield moves to California and goes to a big department store looking for a job. The manager says, "Do you have any sales experience?" The kid says, "Yeah, I was a salesman back home in Bennetts of Sheffield." The boss liked the kid so he gave him the job.

"You start tomorrow. Ill come down after we close and see how you did." His first day on the job was rough but he got through it. After the store was locked up, the boss came down.

"How many sales did you make today?"

Kid says, "One."

Boss says, "Just one? Our sales people average 20 or 30 sales a day.
How much was the sale for?"

Kid says "$201,237.64.

Boss says "201,237.64?? What the heck did you sell?"

Kid says, "First I sold him a small fish hook. Then I sold him a medium fish hook. Then I sold him a larger fish hook. Then I sold him a new fishing rod. Then I asked him where he was going fishing and he said down at the coast, so I told him he was gonna need a boat; we went down to the boat department and I sold him that twin engine Chris Craft. Then he said he didnt think his Mercedes would pull it, so I took him down to the automotive department and sold him an Escalade."

The boss said, "A guy came in here to buy a fish hook and you sold him a boat and truck?"

Kid says, "No, he came in here to buy a box of tampons for his wife and I said, your weekends shot, you might as well go fishing."

---------- Post added at 14:48 ---------- Previous post was at 14:35 ----------

A woman goes into Discount Fishing Supplies to buy a rod and reel for her grandson's birthday.

She doesn't know which one to get, so she just picks one and goes over to the counter.

The salesman is standing there, wearing dark shades.



She says, "Excuse me. Can you tell me anything about this rod and reel?"

He says, "Madam, I'm completely blind; but if you'll drop it on the counter,
I can tell you everything you need to know about it from the sound it makes."

She doesn't believe him but drops it on the counter anyway.

He says, "That's a six-foot Shakespeare graphite rod with a Zebco 404 reel and 10-lb.Test line. It's a good all around combination, and it's actually on sale this week for £44."

he says, "That's amazing that you can tell all that, just by the sound of it dropping on the counter. I'll take it!"

As she opens her purse, her credit card drops on the floor.

"Oh, that sounds like a Visa card," he says.

As the lady bends down to pick up the card, she accidentally farts.

At first she's really embarrassed, but then realises there is no way

the blind salesman would tell exactly who had farted.

The man rings up the sale and says, "That'll be £58.50 please."

The woman is totally confused by this and asks,

"Didn't you tell me it was on sale for £44. How did you get £58.50?"

"The Duck Caller is £11, and the Stink Bait is £3.50."

 

[thecrow]

Lots of googling going on here

My mate tells better fishing stories than me.


He's got longer arms.

 

[Cliff Hatton]

Fisherman goes to the doctor's..."Doc, I've got a really sore crutch...the pain when I walk is excruciating"

"Ok" said the doctor, "lay on the couch"

The fisherman lies there nervously, staring at the ceiling. Before he knows it, the doctor tells him to stand up and walk "How's that?" he says.

The fisherman smiles contentedly and says "That's bloody marvellous! What did you do?"

The doctor told him "I cut three inches off your waders"

 

[Peter Jacobs]

!. "I don't care what yer name is . . . . you ain't walking on the water where I'm bloody fishing . . . . "


2. What's the biggest fish you ever caught?

Erm, that would be the one that measured fourteen inches...."


That's not so big!"


Between the eyes . . . . ?

 

[arthur2sheds]

Lots of googling going on here

Just raiding my email joke file... it's odd... folk send me mails marked... "you're a fisheman, you'll love this"

 

[dorsetandchub]

Struggling to think of any fishing jokes but would very much like a cap...


Everything went in Noah's Ark in pairs except the maggots who went in apples....mg:

 

[robtherake]

I suppose there's the old chestnut about the one-armed fisherman catching one "This big...." but there again, it's more of a visual joke, really.

 

[lambert1]

Apologies in advance to the lady judges. I lay the blame for this one with my late father in law, who was a butcher/fishmonger, as he told me it

Two blokes were fishing and having a tedious time trying to tempt some specimens. They decide to ask each other some riddles, to pass the time. One says to the other, "how many fish can you get in a pair of women's tights?"
His mate says"that would depend on the size of the fish surely."
"Nope it is a definite number" the first bloke answered. His mate is confused and gives in "what's the answer then?"
"Five" the first bloke answers looking smug.
"Five, how the hell do you get that?" says the second bloke.
"Easy." the first bloke says "shall I explain?"
His mate just nods.
" Pair of Eels, pair of Soles and a smelly wet Plaice!"

 

[binka]

Paddy and Murphy are poaching salmon late one night and Paddy is dangling Murphy from a bridge by his ankles.

In the pitch darkness Murphy remains quietly in position with his net and eventually, after an hour or so, shouts with some urgency for Paddy to pull him back up.

Paddy excitedly asks if Murphy has caught a salmon to which Murphy replies…

“No, there’s a bloody train coming!”

 

[thecrow]

A chap that had been out fishing all day decided to drop into the local chip shop on the way home

I want the biggest cod you have he says to the owner

Ok it wont be long

Well it had better be a f&%*$£g fat one then

 

[geoffmaynard]

Essex girl went sea fishing out from Southend with three guys. She came back with a red snapper

 

[robtherake]

 

[slaphead]

Three fishermen were fishing when they came upon a mermaid, the mermaid offered them one wish each so the first fisherman said: "Double my IQ" so the mermaid did it and to his surprise he started reciting Shakespeare.

Then the second fisherman said: "Triple my IQ" and sure enough the mermaid did it and amazingly he started doing math problems he didn't know existed.

The third fisherman was so impressed he asked the mermaid to quadruple his IQ

The mermaid said "Are you sure about this? It will change your whole life!" the fisherman excitingly said "Yes" so the mermaid turned him into a woman...

 

[itsfishingnotcatching]

For a long time I thought ABU Hamza was a new reel or something.... but now I know its a range of one eyed hooks.....

(Found this on another site)

 

[maggot_dangler]

Lots of Carping on taking place ..


I caught a whael the other day no spokes init thou .

PG ....