Want a Fishing Magic cap?

[Mr Cholmondeley-Corker (PaSC)]

BLANKING: having a quick bank side one off the wrist while waiting for a bite.

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So, I was walking by the river and this bloke was hooking little flowers and flicking them out with his rod. I though, "he's casting nasturtiums"

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My pet minnow, Elvis died recently. He was caught in a trap. ---------- Post added at 09:54

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So, I went to the doctors. I said, "Doctor, I keep thinking I'm a fish" He said, "NURSE, get the scales"

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Two carp sat it a bar. One says, "We don't talk to him over there. He's a bit common"

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I went along to my fishing club's swingers night. Not what I was expecting at all. But, I was invited to a spit roast, so something to look forward to.

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I went to the cinema to watch a very short French film about fishing. FIN

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Apparently, the film Alien vs Predator isn't about Eastern Europeans fishing for pike in the UK

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I went to an art exhibition in town and there was this fish splatting paint over a massive canvas. Apparently it was Jackson Pollock.

 

[markhib]

No, not really.

 

[Mr Cholmondeley-Corker (PaSC)]

When I was a teenager I went fishing down at the local swimming baths. As I was setting up the attendant shouted at me, "Oi what do you think you're doing.?"

"Well, my dad said that I won't catch a pretty girl if I spend all my time fishing on the river and that I should try the swimming baths"

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So, this bloke said to me, "would you like to by some braided hook length made from German Sausage?"

I said, "no thanks, it's wurst for wear"

 

[Terry D]

Two Irish anglers were boat fishing on the River Nile when they floated past a crocodile on the bank with a head hanging out of its mouth. Mick said to Paddy "Did you see that flash 'bast**d' with a LaCoste sleeping bag".

 

[bennygesserit]

My mate wanted some advice about predation on the small ornamental KOI carp pond in his back garden so I went round for a look.

"what would you do" he said

"Well i would bivvy up behind the garden gnome and put two lines over by that imitation windmill , probably a couple of kilograms of boilies on each , then maybe a couple of kilograms of maize in the margins"

"are you taking the p***?" he asked

"no I'm gonna do that in "ye olde wishing well" , what time is breakfast delivered ? "

 

[bennygesserit]

Lots of Carping on taking place ..


I caught a whael the other day no spokes init thou .

PG ....

Black Country joke not many will understand it

 

[Peter Jacobs]

Black Country joke not many will understand it

. . . . . . I tried Google Translate and got no reply . . . . .

 

[bullet]

Bloke goes to his friend's house to pick him up for a days fishing.

His wife answers the door,tearful, and says "I'm afraid George passed away last night".

"I'm sorry to hear that" says bloke. "He didn't mention anything about a bait box did he?"

 

[maggot_dangler]

Black Country joke not many will understand it

Bostin ay it ..

PG ...

 

[binka]

Two old boys were sat on the Trent Embankment steps running sticks down the river with their 'pins when a hearse, complete with following funeral procession, travelling over Trent Bridge stopped in the middle and paused.

One of the old boys stood up and took off his cap whilst he stood for a minutes silence.

The other old boy said how he thought it was a very decent thing for him to do before the sombre one replied...

"Well, I was married to her for fifty five years!"

 

[Mr Cholmondeley-Corker (PaSC)]

Two carp go into a bar.

One says, "Two pints of your best bitter please bar keep"

The barman says, "Crikey you two should join a circus"

The carp look at each other puzzled and one says, "Why would a circus need a couple of electricians?"

 

[Cliff Hatton]

Mr Cholmondley-Corker, you're clearly bonkers!

 

[Peter Jacobs]

Mr Cholmondley-Corker, you're clearly bonkers!

. . . . He ain't good enough to be bonkers Cliff

 

[flightliner]

After catching a speeding moterist---- policeman, "Do you know how fast you were going"?
Moterist-- "I was only going as fast as everybody else"
Policeman-- "ever go fishing"?
Moterist-"yeah"
Policeman -"ever catch all the fish" ?

 

[Mr Cholmondeley-Corker (PaSC)]

Mr Cholmondley-Corker, you're clearly bonkers!

Thank you.

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I was down by the canal and this bloke was fishing. His ground bait was a bit unusual though.

He was throwing in loaves of bread, packs of eggs, trays of meet, bags of apples, bunches of bananas, cartons of milk, yogurts, potatoes, cheese....

I said, "What are you fishing for?"

He said, "Shopping trolleys"

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I caught a fish and it said, "Hello my name is George"

I caught another fish and it said, "Hello my name is Geoffrey"

Then another fish, "Hello my name is Rod"

And another, "Hello my name is Jane"

Then another fish and it said, "My name is Freddy"

And another fish and it said, "My name is Bungle"

And then the last one said, "Hello my name is Zippy"
>
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Apparently, they were all Rainbow Trout.

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A horse, a dolphin, a crocodile and an anteater go into a bar.

The landlord says, "How did the fishing match go lads"

The horse says, "We won"

And the landlord says, "Why all the long faces then?"

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"Doctor, I keep thinking I'm a fishing reel"

"Are you trying to wind me up?"

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I had a girlfriend that had a PVA fetish.

Needless to say, our relationship just dissolved.

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Driving into work, I noticed a Muslim bloke at the bus stop.

Clearly, he had a wooden leg and hooks for hands.

I remember thinking, "I bet he's rubbish at fly fishing"

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A Muslim bloke goes into a fishing tackle shop.

The bloke behind the counter says, "No mate, we sell KORUM"

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Mrs. CC told me to "show her a good time"

So I showed he a photo of me fishing on the Ribble.

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My daughter brought her new boyfriend round for dinner last night.
He was very polite.
Not once did he ask why I was wearing waders for dinner.

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I got home and my wife said, "What's different about me?"

"er...you've had your hair done"

"NO!"

"er...you've done your make up differently"

"NO!"

"You've got a new dress"

"No, I'm wearing f*****g chest waders!"

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Two drop off indicators go into a bar.

The bar went silent and it dawned on them that it was swingers night.

 

[Peter Jacobs]

CLIFF!!!!!!!!

For the love of God please give Corky a ruddy FM Cap . . .

He'll never shut up until he gets one . . . . . .

"Mrs. CC told me to "show her a good time"

So I showed he a photo of me fishing on the Ribble."


ARRRGGGGHHHHHHHH!

 

[Mr Cholmondeley-Corker (PaSC)]

Idea for a tackle box sticker:

SEA ANGLERS LIKE WATCHING BELL ENDS

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I said to the doctor, "Doctor I keep thinking I'm a knot."

He said, "what sort of knot"

I said, "A highway man's hitch"

He said, "Oh, don't worry, you'll soon pull through"

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I said to the doctor, "Doctor I keep thinking I'm a pair of fishing rods"

He said, "Look, I'm an ordinary GP. Will you just **** off!"

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I bought one of those Australian Barbel rods.

It's a Grey's Prodigerydoo.

 

[nogoodboyo]

A lady goes to the doctors to get her test results.
Bad news says the doctor. "You've three months to live. Have you considered marrying an angler?"
"Will that cure me?"
"No. But the three months will feel like a lifetime"

 

[peter crabtree]

Two carp walk into a chip shop.
" One fish cake please" asked the bigger carp.
" Sorry I've sold out of fish cakes " said the owner.
The bigger carp started crying hysterically soon followed by the small carp.
" what's the problem? " asked the owner.

"It's his birthday " said the bigger carp...
" Here have this instead " said the owner handing over an FM cap...

Small carp starts crying again....

 

[itsfishingnotcatching]

Perhaps a special prize just to find the fishing jokes that Matt HASN'T done At this rate it'll be a struggle to shift them all :wh