Mother Natures Andrex

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smithdave

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In July, I got caught short with a ****y tum tum on my local River Cherwell, I'd roved for a couple of miles, so the emergency poo paper in my car was a "bogroll too far !"
I ended up using a dock leaf as a pant saver and it performed quite well, in fact my grutter felt refreshed and remarkably smoother for some time after.
Has anyone got any other foliage suggestions ?
 
geoffmaynard

geoffmaynard

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I spent a lot of time in India in the 70s and 80s where I had to use just water. As a result, today I'm never bothered by lack of paper! A washed bum works fine.
 
dangermouse

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No foliage suggestion but according to François Rabelais

"to conclude, I say and maintain, that of all torcheculs, arsewisps, bumfodders, tail-napkins, bunghole cleansers, and wipe-breeches, there is none in the world comparable to the neck of a goose, that is well downed, if you hold her head betwixt your legs. And believe me therein upon mine honour, for you will thereby feel in your nockhole a most wonderful pleasure, both in regard of the softness of the said down and of the temporate heat of the goose, which is easily communicated to the bum-gut and the rest the inwards, in so far as to come even to the regions of the heart and brains." (from Gargantua, 1534)

A bit harder to catch than a dockleaf but perhaps worth the effort?
 
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smithjohn

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My dearest brother,judging by the massive ammount of rubbish you eat i have to say it comes as no surprise that your system is prone to bouts of wanted to purge itself quickly,still on the curry and ice cream diet are we? Although i have fishing gear with me down here i've yet to really fish and probably wont til i get back home. All i will say is that down here i would definately carry a roll of the soft ,strong and very long as a few bankside walks have yet to provide with the sight of a nice soothing doc leaf,and the choice of foliage down here for operation clean up is nettle,bramble,hawthorn or reeds,doc leafs are luxury that i see precious little of down here:)
 
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Steve Hurst

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I go for a "clean drop" if I ever get caught short, but to be honest the last time I had to do the deed on the bank was about 1992 (only do short sessions). It was messy, so I had to sacrifice a t-shirt as I never carry loo roll.

Cash saving tip - at home use a tea towel instead of expensive loo roll, just get your Mrs to pop it in the washing machine on a regular basis.
 
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thames steve

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dangermouse said:
"to conclude, I say and maintain, that of all torcheculs, arsewisps, bumfodders, tail-napkins, bunghole cleansers, and wipe-breeches, there is none in the world comparable to the neck of a goose, that is well downed, if you hold her head betwixt your legs. And believe me therein upon mine honour, for you will thereby feel in your nockhole a most wonderful pleasure, both in regard of the softness of the said down and of the temporate heat of the goose, which is easily communicated to the bum-gut and the rest the inwards, in so far as to come even to the regions of the heart and brains." (from Gargantua, 1534)
Click to expand...

Have read that back a few times now, inspired writing :D
 
maceo

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I spent a lot of time in India in the 70s and 80s where I had to use just water. As a result, today I'm never bothered by lack of paper! A washed bum works fine.
Click to expand...

Maybe in India Jeff, but not in England and not in January!

First of all the river water's bloody freezing. It freezes your hands when you're mixing up groundbait and I couldn't countenance tipping it anywhere near warmer and more comfortable areas of the body.

Secondly the water's probably full of Weils disease and bugs and larvae and all sorts. Who knows what could crawl up your back plumbing after you've washed with that? You might end up in and undignified position in the hospital with a tweezer wielding nurse plucking growing things out of your backside.

Go before you leave the house. That's my recommendation.
 
Ray Roberts

Ray Roberts

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A tampon inserted just before you leave the house should do the trick as an emergency measure. Our local pound shop had then in boxes of 200 for a pound, no strings attached.
 
Peter Jacobs

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No need for anything from mother nature thank you very much.

I keep a couple of dozen sheets of 't.p' in a resealable plastic bag in my Ruckbag.

It takes up no room whatsoever and you are never going to be 'caught out' either.
 
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cg74

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Brothers Smith, try using Gorse bushes, should rid you of any cling-ons and if it fails, the sweet coconut scent should help mask the smell lingering around you.
 
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