Fish to Stage Mass Bitter Argue-In

Heard this from a little dace that I know on a West London river: "We're so p'd off with all the pathetic Anglers' argy-bargy - "'e said, they said, we didn't, they never..." - ya know, Paul, without us being consulted, just hooked, trophy-picced then chucked back in, we're going to do some ourselves. Well, not the carp and barbel, who are so up themselves, they refused to join in, having ones of their own, they said, in the interests of peace and unity. Waddya do? We'd even got the pike and otters on board....".

Sunday morning follow-up from my River Correspondent:

"We've decided to call the whole thing off, Paul. The Gudgeon, having declared themselves a now Oppressed Minority, refused to sit at the same dumped kitchen table as the Perch, even just to shout the odds, saying that they're Prickly Public School Boys in Poncy Stripey Ties and Club Colours and know nothing of life in the Real River. The Chub briefly turned up, ate all the pork scratchings and the pies provided - well, everything in fact - then left. The brass-necked Barbel and Carp sent a representative each with an attractive PA and press photographer, which the Otters promptly ate (good thing, too). Never thought it would be so difficult to organize a We're P'd Off Shout-In in a Brewery Outflow."

I sympathized with my little dace friend, then offered to use him as now very unfashionable pike livebait, which he understandably declined.

Great stuff... very well put Paul, I like it!

The most sensible post he's made in years

geoffmaynard said:

The most sensible post he's made in years

Click to expand...

Come off it Geoff thats a bit below the waterline

Further News from The Fish First Front:


Press Release, late 24-11-13

In response to the "....pathetic all-male chest- and tail-beating and -thrashing ... I'd rather go out and have a one-on-one with a Kingfisher, you know....", the delectable Dainty the Minnow (lovely gal, as we're all agreed) has agreed to pose for a 2014 FFF Charity Calendar.

"If I have to balance on the nose of a barbel, smile at a Serious, Multiply sponsored ("Who am I with this week...?") and even more seriously compromised Angler, or have words with some bottom-feeding politico, then so be it - I shall!"

Well done, Dainty, we say! Get your fins out!

Noop... lost me with that one

No problem, binka, it's either just the Mansfield Effect or delayed comprehension of the truly profound; it'll come to you, eventually.

Paul Boote said:

No problem, binka, it's either just the Mansfield Effect or delayed comprehension of the truly profound; it'll come to you, eventually.

Click to expand...

You really don't want to experience the Mansfield Effect after 10pm Paul, it's an eye opener for anyone... Taboo, short skirts and a taxi for 2am (and that's just me!).

Delayed comprehension has always been a problem... bloody hell it's cold and light out here, stick yer forceps back where they belong midwife I'm not coming out

Press Release 25-11-13


Fish First Front Response to New Water Bill


FFF demands that the not-so Homo sapiens Poundseekers behind the idea be culled, at once and with extreme prejudice.

Wind in the Willows river 'risks running dry' if new water bill is passed | Environment | The Guardian

"Psst! Want some river, mate? Real top-end stuff ... I've got plenty...."


Save Us and Our Rivers!

---------- Post added at 09:18 ---------- Previous post was at 07:50 ----------

Further Press Release 25-11-13


What's in a Name?

Newly created and working in what is, after all, an already very acronym-rich environment (brush aside just one frond of ranunculus and another three Trusts, Socs, Orgs, Splinter Groups or Sub-Committees, all with supposedly snappy names, swim out and ask you for your money), the FFF is considering its naming options.

At the suggestion of our friend, ally and very occasional captor, Paul, we are presently considering F.O.E. - The Fish and Otters Executive.

Tells the public who we are and what we're about, he tells us, with none of that truth-lite Business Group or Conservation gobbledygook greenwash.

So, until you hear differently, we're F.O.E., alright?

And watch out.

Maybe its a small piece of ground marked out for a purpose such as building or gardening, or perhaps its the main events of a play, novel, film, or similar work?
Or maybe its a sinister plan made in secret and hes lost it?

F.O.E. Press Release 25-11-13


We are currently consulting all species of fish (except the Carp and Barbel, who refused to participate, telling us "We'll eat what we ruddy well like, especially if it's there in quantity, sunshine.") about a National Bait Policy, with questions to our esteemed fishy members like "Time for a boilie embargo, a just say No?", "Pellet Heads - are they for real?", "Return to natural, wild, organic food - the only sane, sustainable and healthy way forward?" and "Flavours - do they make scents?".

The F.O.E.report when it is published (privately, issued to members only) is certain to have a major effect on future Fish Feeding Conduct and on some of those Out of Water Types forever looking to make a buck out of us.

It's the fin end of the wedge.......

Don't know about fin, or working with all-denomination unspeakables for that matter, but FOE is going to give all of them a damned good SLAP. No need for us to issue a press release about this - they know it in their stolen water.

FOE Press Release 26-11-13


FOE joined by internationally renowned PR Consultant


FOE is pleased to announce that it has been joined by Penelope, a.k.a. Keith The Seal, a lady with a proven track record in getting positve media coverage for herself and her fellow furry fish-eaters as well as making the ever-fractious anglers and their inept representatives look and sound like a sludge of beached jellyfish (if that's possible).

On taking up her post, Penelope said: "Wonderful to be on board, sweeties. Oh my, oh yum, these Severn barbel are s-o-o-o delish...."

Welcome, Penelope. You don't have to be a Fish to work here, but it helps.

FOE HQ, Crabtree Swim, Weirtail Rd, Somewhere in Olde England.

Internal Memo

Date; 27-11-13

To: Paul, Patron of FOE



Just a word in your cauliflower-like, Paul.

Seems to us fish and otters that you Angler chaps are not very happy campers at present. Carving lumps out of each other at the least drop of a 2-ounce pear bomb, worried about something that ain't just rivers and fishing for us lot, worried about huffing and puffing Sword of Truth speeches that don't sound quite right, about people running off to their retirements / directorships / consultancies etc, about being foulhooked by someone, somewhere, about lead-swingers out to get you wherever you go and look.

A deeper malaise we at FOE call it, which is seeing us less well cared for and a lot less fished for in many many places (which is nice, but some of the show-offs among us are missing all the adoring piscatorial exclamations, the looks of love and the thousands of photographs).

Have a word with those in the World of Men, will you, please, Paul? Tell them to get their act together off the bank so that we can do our age-old business as usual in the waters just off and below it. We know that it's a bit of a difficult time for you fellas, one of uncertainty and all that - where's the next pack of boilies coming from, I'd love that new rod and reel and somewhere really nice to fish with them but just can't afford them / justify the expenditure now / couldn't afford that nice place anyway, feeling terribly put-upon by someone somewhere etc - but we also know that unless you chaps get your collective act together very soon we'll all go down the Swannee. Which would do none of us any good. (Even those at the Cormorant Collective are concerned, you know - which is not like them because they, like the cockroaches, could almost certainly survive a nuclear holocaust).

Just a few thoughts from FOE, Paul, some whispers in and from the water. Get those Men to act before it is all too late.

Dainty The Minnow sends her love, by the way. Loved your words about her "balancing on a barbel's nose", which she has already done, very becomingly.


As ever,

Your Friends at FOE

FOE Press Release 30-11-13


FOE Culls its Patron and Appoints New Tyrant in Chief



Manic permagrins for the Press, warm words and committees simply don't work, as our Patron has long said, nevertheless we have put old Paul on gardening leave and given him a suitably impressive honorific moniker (lovely gal, one of our sleekest), as he was only upsetting people of very little consequence and felt that he needed to take a break and to get back to closing firms and fishing lodges and reducing the numbers of insidious pests like braying flyfishers. We wish him the very best and every success in his retirement.

Our new Tyrant in Chief (TIC), no names, no pack drill (oh, blast it, why not?, his name is Tarquin de Foe), comes to us from a Blue Chip Company, Utilities, City, Banking and High End Dossing About background, knows "simply everybody One needs to know", and talks a very good game. We're going to give him a whirl; we can always get Paul back to retire him for us if he doesn't pull his weight and work out.

A mean, lean, relentless FOE - the only way to get anything done these days, as many of our members agree.

Fish & Otters Executive Press Release - 18-12-13


Owing to overwhelming demand we have abandoned plans for a FOE Christmas Party and decided on a FOE Bring Your Own Booze and Ego, Last 'Man' Standing, All-Night Fight.

Paul tell us that we could very well be getting rid of the worst of the worst in one fell swoop.

We do hope so, but won't be there of course - we're on the Wasing, the Ouse and the Loddon that night.

Fish & Otters Execut(iv)e Press Release 20-12-13


PADDLERS ARE THE NEW PREDATORS - LOL!


Take it from us, creatures of and with some experience in the latter Field / Dept. etc, they are (well, so our Honorary Patron, Paul, tells us).

Takes the heat off F.O.E.. Which is just fine by us. Anything for a quiet munch.


K-e-e-e-e-e-p paddlin'!

Fish & Otters Execut(iv)e Press Release

Close Season Report 2014


We're lovin' it! More red bellies, nuptial spots, tail shimmying, body popping, meaningful looks and casual shoaling-ups behind a ranunculus bed going on down than you could throw an attention-seeking Trust or sales-hungry Trade at.

Long be it so: we get little time enough off as it is; nice to have a break from all that ghastly E-numbered, artificially coloured junk food we continually have thrown us, are expected to eat and is making a few of our number morbidly obese.

Do please try and get real, guys. We are. Have been so a lot longer than you.


Yours in sport,

F.O.E.