Judging by the success of TickleTackle, the brainchild of Kevin Perkins, there’s obviously a market for loads of incredibly expensive tackle (useless junk) that will catch the angler with far more money than sense. With this in mind, new company Tart Tackle have launched an exciting new range of gear for the spring. There’s something for everyone (with more money than sense).

We couldn’t afford the parking at the NEC so you’ll just have to drool over these descriptions.

The super-duper KofeGrinda closed face reel

Made of aerospace grade zertinium with real camel tooth handle, this amazing reel weighs just one ounce. Seems a shame to increase the weight by loading line on it but this reel can do it all. It not only knows its position via GPS, but it can intelligently feed line to your float as you trot depending upon it sensing what might be in the swim, taking into account ambient temperature, air pressure and what you ate for breakfast. Line feed on casting is automatic; just sweep back the rod and cast. This reel senses the float or lead coming into land and feathers the line perfectly, even stopping you casting into a tree. Once you get your hands on one of these you will soon be thinking of selling those crappy old centrepins and open-face reels – you’ll need to when you see the price!

A snip at £ 5,999.99. Spare spools – £ 600. Insurance option £ 540 per annum.

The Carp-o-Matic Reel

For the carp and barbel anglers, we have its bigger and open face version. This has auto text to txt u in the pb wen u get a bt. It’s so intelligent that it will play the fish until you get back by fooling the fish to swim around aimlessly under minimal pressure. Again, this has auto cast, guaranteed to cast within one inch at 200 yards. These come in packs of two or three. These are somewhat cheaper as these aren’t made of zertinium but zinc. Special promo price – £ 2,000 for two or £ 2,999 for three. Spare spools – £ 2.50 (they are made of zinc).

The Potters Wand Match Rod

Made of the finest carbon fibre interwoven with zertinium fibres this rod sets a new standard in rod design. Zertinium accepts auto-command from the KofeGrinda reel and will modify its action according to the line being used and the cast being made or fish being played. This incredible rod has auto-lengthen; simply program it to be used at any length between ten feet and twenty feet by speaking to it. Apart from its amazing light weight (less than two ounces) the most outstanding feature is the very first use of hover rings. These don’t have struts but are held in position through a special magnetic process, hovering an inch or two from the rod yet using the rod to support them. This enables the rod to add more rings or move the rings around to improve the action. Guaranteed to prevent line stick. This rod can be used with line between 1/2 lbs and 15lbs breaking strain.

Special Promo price – £ 1,999.00. Allow six months for delivery by eagle owl.

The Auto-Flage Fishing Coat

Why bother with camouflage patterned fishing coats when this one does it so much better? It simply changes colours/patterns to match the surrounding countryside. Try not to stand next to lampposts for too long. Invisible to infra-red goggles, and pre-settable to be as warm or cool as you want, it is also much tougher than Goretex. If you lay it on the ground it may be hard to find but that’s a small price to pay for such a coat. Invaluable for avoiding bailiffs.

A snip at £ 499.00.

The bite Accentuater Float

The news that some sixty-three year olds (never mind the 63 years olds, us 48 year olds have enough trouble) are having problems spotting shy roach bites, even seeing the float in poor light, has hastened the development of this marvel of modern engineering. Though floats that light up when you get a bite were patented years ago, this one sounds a bite alarm when you get a bite. What’s more it can distinguish between false bites and real ones, and shows lift bites as well as the usual submergible ones. This works best with auto shot. The best bit is that it automatically guides itself through the air on the cast and then trots perfectly, according to signals received from the KofeGrinda reel.

Buy the set of three in this introductory offer of £ 299.

Auto shot is available in all the usual sizes. Self-adjusting and able to signal bites to the Accentuater float, a must for the modern float angler. Only £ 1 each.

The Argghaa Bivvi Carp Anglers’ Stove

Not for cooking your carp but a massive improvement on a Primus. At last the ability to slow cook meals whilst waiting, and waiting, for a run. This only weighs 180 kilos (we daren’t tell you the weight in pounds), and a bargain at £ 2000. For an extra grand, we can even arrange delivery to this season’s swim.

We were going to retail some of the new invisible line but we put it down somewhere and have yet to find it again.

The Bumblebee Guide to Angling

Written specially for Tart Tackle, by an angling writer yet to catch a fish (hell, that never stopped J R Hartley, did it?), this book is the definitive guide to being a total tackle tart. How to line up rod rests, display floats, and get a good shine on your rod. Recognise fish, (fins, eyes, scales, the usual stuff), and learn how to impress other anglers. Learn how to name drop with the best of them; “Of course, when I was teaching old Sheringham how to fish a stick, the rivers were full of fish, and as for that Walker chap, his tackle was soooo drab.” Available in remaindered book shops for a quid.

Special Credit Terms

Tart Tackle is pleased to offer special loans for those unable to come up with the cash. Simply hand over the deeds to your house and we’ll do the rest. The small print is so small that we doubt you will be able to find it, and we’ve had it written in legalese so impenetrable that you cannot possibly understand it. Why worry? You’ve got the tackle of your dreams, and we’ve got your house.

All Products will be available in all the best tackle shops from 1st April 2005.