The Alternative Angler

Never mind smelling the flowers, don’t forget to take time out to see the satirical side of fishing life and grab a laugh along the way as well. So here’s a regular column from Kevin Perkins to remind us that life is for laughing at, or taking the p*** out of, whenever we can.

Tickle Tackle plc have done what they do best and once again gone ‘outside the box’. They appear to have identified yet another area where their unique perception has pinpointed a trend long before any other tackle manufacturer is even aware of its existence. This time the exciting possibilities that will flow from their tie up with a brand new company called Fynhancement Ltd are seemingly limitless.

Imagine the scene, you know the feeling, you’ve caught a real lunker and had it weighed and photographed. You get the photos back, and you look stunning (of course!) but the fish, well, there’s something not quite right. It doesn’t look as good as you thought, not nearly so impressive as you remember. Fear not, there is now a complete range of products available to transform the appearance of your fish

Pump-M

Do you find that your chub or carp are not ‘rubber lipped’ enough? Then simply volumise those lips with ‘Pump-M’ collagen (substitute) injections. Supplied in handy graduated syringe, you choose the effect required, from slight augmentation to full blown Lesley Ash. Luscious lips in seconds, what fish wouldn’t want to be seen with a ‘Trout Pout’. The effect wears off after three days and the organic filler is fully bio-degradable. (The full instructions clearly show that the application is no different to hooking the fish, so a tiny little needle in the gob can’t be any worse, can it?).

Nashers

The photos of that ferocious pike you caught are back from the developers. You carefully posed her with mouth wide open and staring straight into the lens for full-on effect, but where are those imposing teeth? We can now help you get over this disappointment by supplying a range of slip-in temporary dentures from the recently introduced ‘Nashers’ range. The size of these gleaming white replacement teeth range from the ever so slightly menacing, to the “F*** me, I wouldn’t want to put my hands anywhere near that lot!” A full snaggle tooth array. Turn your fish into a PWA (pike with attitude) and earn the respect of your friends. Available in all sizes and come in handy carry-case containing overnight glass jar and effervescent cleaning tablets

Paynt-Fx

Were the stripes on that perch too faint? Maybe the fins on the roach didn’t seem red enough to stand out? Well, now you can easily improve the appearance, or mask any slight defects or blemishes with the Paynt-Fx full colour waterproof make-up kit. Comes complete with a palette of 36 dazzling ‘fishy’ shades, applicator brush and sponge, to enable you to turn your catch into a masterpiece, fit for photography. Will fade after two days in the water in case your attempts at a makeover end up looking more like Coco the Clown than Coco Chanel.

Per4mance

You hook a fish, and five seconds into the fight, you know exactly what type of fish it is. That is all about to change because of a real breakthrough for both fish and anglers alike. This innovation is designed primarily for fishery owners, but can also be used to convert the fish that you have caught to delight and mystify future captors. Aquanautically designed and Teflon coated, these stick-on (using a specially developed, water based, non-soluble glue) extended fins, elongated tails and chin spoilers to increase both speed through the water and manoeuvrability. Enables you to turbo-charge those sluggish bream, convert your gudgeon into mini barbel, and have rudd that dive like submarines. Totally transform the fighting action of fish to add an air of mystery and surprise to what you have hooked. Astound your friends when your 40 minute battle with an unseen monster finally shows up as a 2lb tench with full body kit including eighteen inch tail ‘Extenzion’ six inch ‘Paddlez’ pectoral enhancements, and ‘Droop-Snoot Deep Diverz” chin spoiler.

Shaperz

Whereas we humans strive to lose weight and look good, the fishy world is all about pounds and ounces (sorry, kilos and grammes, before the PC police come after me!) and shape has been of little importance up to now. But we have started to appreciate form over bulk, and the new range of ‘Shaperz’ products will bring beauty to the beasts. To begin with we have all seen pictures of carp being held up with their pot bellies hanging down. The ‘Girdlez’ line of discreet, see-through PVA (in case you forget to take it off) strapping will allow you to lift up and pull in that extended waistline before photos are taken.

Fish doesn’t look as big as it weighs? This is an all too common problem, which is now easily overcome with the brilliant new ‘Straponz’ flank implants. These are self-coloured silicone enhancements, which are affixed to the sides of the fish with ‘Girdlez’ strapping to add bulk where it is needed for effect. Will take Paynt-Fx if some colouration (spots or stripes) is required to complete the image.

All of the above available soon at all TickleTackle stockists or you can order online at www.TickleandFux.com. Continuously striving to bring you equipment you didn’t realise was available before you knew you wanted it.