The Alternative Angler – Alternative Clattercote

Never mind smelling the flowers, don’t forget to take time out to see the satirical side of fishing life and grab a laugh along the way as well. So here’s a regular column from Kevin Perkins to remind us that life is for laughing at, or taking the p*** out of, whenever we can.

Alternative Clattercote

Clattercote

Both Alan and I were puzzled, as he definitely was wearing a ‘shirt’ and was certainly not bare-chested at his point. Then a pang of uncertainty swept over us; perhaps he knew about a new dress code that had been introduced at the curry house we may be going to after the match, probably introduced in response to an Andy Nellist/Suit incident of last year. I for one certainly hadn’t packed my dinner jacket and wing collar. Even as these thoughts were going through my mind, Bryan threw a new complexion on the whole issue by announcing that the ‘shurrrr’ had his rod rest attachments and other ancillaries on it.

Now I went from confused to annoyed, because as a prominent member of the TickleTackle development team, I find myself faced with a brother angler telling me of an unheard of design. A new type of fishing shirt that could be fitted with such items as interchangeable rod rests, no doubt attached to the sleeves, which would mean you had the ability to put your rod down, but have it immediately to hand. This would mean some sort of lightweight carbon/kevlar hybrid cloth had been invented, able to take the weight of a rod, yet still be light enough and flexible to wear. Perhaps featuring an exterior titanium exoskeleton for support, and yet none of this had shown up on the TT radar – heads would roll!

Then it got worse as Bryan said he would just pop into Tesco’s and pick one up, how on earth could this be! How could our largest retailer be offering such an advanced, and until seconds ago, unknown product? The green and white striped, aluminium framed answer appeared a few minutes later, and a beaming Bryan showed off his new ‘shurrrr’, Apparently a mix up in pronunciation, and my listening ability had converted ‘shurrrr’ to shirt, instead of ‘chair’ I must remember to bring my English to Northern dictionary along to these FM gatherings….

Breakfast was completed in a reasonable time, for once, and the only real incident of note was when we were all put in mortal danger due to a camera flash going off in very close proximity to Barney. Thoughts that we were safe from ignition sources in a ‘No Smoking’ restaurant just goes to show you can’t be too careful when dealing with inflammable gases. (See possible solution at end of article).

I negotiated the track down to the reservoir with some difficulty, if those water-filled pot holes get any deeper I think BW will need to position lifebelts alongside in case someone falls in, because there is a distinct possibility they could drown. I pulled two tickets out of the draw bag, one for me and one for Woody, and having numbers 12 and 30, I deferred to Woody’s advancing years and gallantly took the furthest one. I then set off to an area where I recall that bugger-all was caught last year, but no matter, we’re only here for the fishing, after all.

I renewed my acquaintance with the Clattercote wildfowl

Not long into the match, I renewed my acquaintance with the Clattercote wildfowl, this time sheltering a family group who were seeking asylum from the feared ‘Clattercote Swan-Upper’ who was known to be in residence a number of pegs away (actually number 12, I seem to remember). Keeping them safe cost me the bread from my sandwiches, and try as I could to feed the cygnets, the mother (pen) would grab everything in sight, leaving the poor little things going round in circles looking for scraps. All the time the male (cob) stayed back on guard, and even when I threw a crust in his direction, the pen got to it first.

Eventually the pen moved off, cygnets in tow, but the cob waited, and when they had got about thirty yards away, he swam over to me, looked around, then and put his head right up on the decking. I looked at him, then looked back at the last sandwich, and proceeded to hand feed him several pieces of bread, which he took almost daintily, without snatching once. After taking the last crust he looked round to see the pen and cygnets that were paddling their way back at top speed. He looked back at me with what I swear was a resigned look, and swam off towards them.

As for the rest of my day, I ended how I started, which was with FA, which is not shorthand for nothing. As always, I use these matches to field test new TickleTackle products, and FA is the as yet secret, and still under development Fish Avoidance system. Instead of trying to cover yourself with camouflage products to avoid detection, this is a neurological solution, which renders fish totally oblivious to your presence, or any bait you might put in front of them. Once the battery powered electromagnetic sender is placed into the water, it’s almost as if you’re not there as far as the fish are concerned.

First deployed at the Thames Fish-In, where anglers and their bait either side of me were rendered invisible, for Clattercote it was refined down to cover just one angler – me. Next time it is deployed, it will target distinct species, and in the final version, only the largest of the chosen quarry will be ‘allowed’ to see the bait. Can’t fail, can it….? Although looking at the match results, it may need further testing as once again anglers both sides of me either blanked of didn’t bother to weigh in, some more fine tuning required, I fear…….

Barney being fitted with his exhaust pipe

And finally…..
Promising news for Gary Knowles, at least on the methane emissions front is that his case has been put forward as being a possible source of renewable energy, which is currently receiving great interest and funding from central government. A small surgical procedure will see a flexible pipe forming a connection from Gary’s alimentary canal to a flange conveniently, but discreetly positioned on his body. This flange will have a 3/8 BSP connection to which will be attached a pressure regulating valve. Any undue build up of methane gas will then be safely collected into a reinforced vessel similar to a propane bottle. When full, these bottles can be used to power barbecues, patio heaters, etc, and it is hoped that they will be marketed as GazGas.

In addition, Gary could be connected up directly to any of these devices, and provided you kept him topped up with Stella, he will continue to pump out gas for as long as you need him to. Once his car has been converted to run on methane, Gary will just plug his regulator into the dashboard and off he goes. As long as the price of fuel (kebabs, curry, baked bean sandwiches, obviously not Stella if he is driving) doesn’t exceed the cost of petrol he is on a winner. And so are we, because at Clattercote, Gary confided in me that the only reason he has to come down south to try and win these matches is to pay for the petrol for his car. Convert it to running on GazGas and he will have no longer have any need of these long treks south, so we will be able to breathe easy again!