Never mind smelling the flowers, don’t forget to take time out to see the satirical side of fishing life and grab a laugh along the way as well. So here’s a regular column from Kevin Perkins to remind us that life is for laughing at, or taking the p*** out of, whenever we can.
TACKLED – UP
Tickle Tackle have seen the decline in numbers of anglers visiting rivers, and ever ones to exploit gaps in the market, they have come up with the following brand new accessories guaranteed to get you back onto the riverbanks.
Bothered by boats going through your swim when you are trying to cast or land a fish? Get yourself a set of Traffyc Lytes to put either side of you and get those boat owners to heave-to whilst you can get on with your fishing without being disturbed. Deluxe version will take pictures of any boats that jump red lights. Fits standard bank sticks and requires 24 PP3 batteries to operate (not supplied).
A real breakthrough for river ‘virgins’ that takes all the worry out of baiting up. This device bolts to a standard bank stick, and the first action is to fire up the computerised display. This will instruct you to deploy the SMD (Speed Measuring Device) into the water to gauge the water flow. Next the DMD (Depth Measuring Device) will ascertain how deep your swim is. The BWB (Bait Weighing Bowl) will accurately read the weight of your loose feed or groundbait ball.
The inbuilt computer powering the system now calculates exactly how far upstream you need to place your loose feed or groundbait ball and will mark the spot with a laser dot. You will be shown which type of float to use, how deep to set it and the correct shotting pattern.
Having done that, a second laser dot will be produced to indicate the precise point to put your float. If you fail to hit the dot with your loose feed, the system will recalculate the float position. If your cast does not reach the red dot, the next loose feed dot position will be recalculated.
If, despite all this, you are unable to accurately hit the dots three times in a row, the system will shut down after issuing you with instructions on how to get to the nearest commercial fishery, where you obviously really belong.
This inflatable, floating pontoon is just the thing for beginners to rivers. No need to bother with casting upstream, mending line, etc. Just blow up this pontoon, moor it securely to the bank and you are able to wander out to the middle of the stream and drop your tackle in – couldn’t be easier.
Caution – we must recommend that you use the optional electric pump to inflate; if you try to blow it up by mouth you will end up very dizzy.
More Caution, we heartily recommend that you do not bang in bank sticks when you are out on the Brydge.
More from ReallyTwee
Further additions to the burgeoning TickleTackle range have come from the boffins at ReallyTwee clothing who have discovered that, believe it or not, there are still chinks in the current ‘Camou’ craze.
CamouFingers – Obvious when you think about it, gloves in Neoprene and ReallyTwee pattern. Obviously not available in fingerless style – what would be the point?
BalaCover – Given the, shall we say, distinctive facial features of some anglers, they may well welcome this opportunity to disguise themselves with this full-face cover. For absolute disguise, you will need the optional camou contact lenses, and camou teeth caps in case you smile and give yourself away.
Nettyng – This omission from any manufacturer’s range is very puzzling. How can it be that landing nets, keepnets and sacks, the very things which are closest to fish, have escaped the camou treatment? The Nettyng range puts this right at last.
CamouFags – Not only is the paper of these cigarettes available in ReallyTwee pattern to tone down those glaring white sticks, there are dyes introduced into the tobacco to produce camouflaged smoke. Pipe and rolling tobacco available in dyed smoke versions as well, along with camou cigarette papers.
CamouFood – Stood by your bivvy, fully camou-ed up and invisible to fish, when you go and spoil the effect by shoving a bacon sandwich made with white bread (of course!) into your gob. That blinding white triangle must be visible to every fish in a 300-yard radius. To lessen the effect, CamouFood non-toxic, biodegradable, hypoallergenic spray dye should be applied before leaving the bivvy. Pack comes with three different colour shades and template to achieve correct pattern.
Warning – much the same effect will be achieved by leaving sandwich undisturbed under your bed chair for three or four days. Do not confuse the two!
CarCamou – need to park your car right by your swim to avoid walking too far? You need ReallyTwee’s all-new CarCamou for your car. Available in three sizes, all with easy to use elasticated fittings.
ReallyTwee have also arranged to release a range of camou-covers for every day items to ensure your accessories are completely hidden. To begin with, mobile phone covers, of course, but as well as that, you can download a camouflage pattern background for those with colour screens.
In fact, anything you are likely to pull out of your pockets will get the full camou treatment. Match box, lighter and fag packet covers, digital camera covers, ReallyTwee hankies, and of course, of special interest to our esteemed Editor, camou wallet covers – XXXL size available.
In addition to these there are sketchy details of a sort of camouflage patterned expanding tube affair that will stretch from 3” to around 10” in length. No clues as to the application just yet other than apparently, ‘one size fits all’, whatever that means!
an apology for not being able to contribute to the site for a while. I am pleased to say that the issues that kept me away, and for some time prior to that did not particularly brighten my mood, have been resolved, and I am now able to try and write articles that some of you may again find worth reading. I can’t promise they will always be ‘funny’ but I will try and make them as entertaining as I can.
The razor sharp wit and biting satire (well alright, waffle and sarcasm!) may not be back to their best as yet, but please bear with me, it can only get better!
Kevin, writing as Herbert Henshall, is the author of the hilarious new booklet based on those two great characters Donald and Damien: ‘The Early Adventures of Donald and Damien’. Do yourself a favour and grab a copy or two, they’ll make great stocking fillers for any angler.