| KEVIN PERKINS | |
Never mind smelling the flowers, don’t forget to take time out to see the satirical side of fishing life and grab a laugh along the way as well. So here’s a regular column from Kevin Perkins to remind us that life is for laughing at, or taking the p*** out of, whenever we can. |
THE LONG AND THE SHORT I don’t normally do ‘fishing’ articles, as my prowess with a rod is somewhat less than legendary, plus the fact that I don’t actually go fishing that often at the moment. Anyway, just for a laugh, I went along to a local AT pike qualifier last week. There was the usual motley assortment of anglers that one would expect, some there for a laugh, some very serious looking ‘professional’ types, judging by their very efficient looking tackle, and a few who just looked like, well, pike anglers – you know the type. Before the draw we were regaled with the tale of a couple of them who had fished a pike ‘pairs’ match the week before. Only a few pounds was necessary to win them the match, and one of the couple managed to miss a run at the start of the day, Towards the end of the match he managed to connect with a screaming run and proceeded to bank a very creditable 22 pounder, which would have won the match hands down, had it been a pike.
Except it was a carp which had run off with a mackerel tail. This story brought some light relief the first time it was told, but by the time the draw was over, and the fifth or sixth telling, it was beginning to wear a little thin. Anyway, the match started, and as you can see from the pictures, the early indications were that I had a drawn a swim that was almost promising. Clear, open water to the left, and snaggy overgrown bank to the right. Out went the recommended floatfished sprat, and mackerel tail (of course – never leave home without one!) and settled back to await the action. I didn’t have long to wait. An angler drawn in the next pit, just beyond the snaggy bank, had three fish in quick succession, for a total of 311/2 pounds. We are all so happy for him! Still, five hours to go, just keep plugging away, literally, and spinning, and spooning, and wobbling, and……nothing! A change of baits to roach, smelt, lamprey, herring, prawn cocktail (well, if I had packed it I would have used it!) brought not so much as a sniff. And as if this wasn’t enough, I wasn’t happy with my new rods, not at all. I was actually using them for the first time. I noticed when I screwed the reel on that something wasn’t ‘right’. The handle was just too short. As the day wore on this minor niggle just grew and grew. When I was holding the rod and ‘drifting’ a floatfished sprat across the swim, the rod felt like it weighed a ton, it seemed so top-heavy.
Launching mackerel tails towards the horizon didn’t feel any better either. Having your hands too close together doesn’t do much for distance work, you can’t seem to get the leverage at all. I can only describe the feeling as like trying to cast whilst wearing handcuffs. (Imagined, not practical experience!). I must have cut my distance down to less than 125 yards (cough, cough!). Although looking at the pictures again, a cast of that length would have probably had me on a charge of worrying sheep in the field opposite caused by flinging a deadbait amongst them. Anyway, I’m not blaming any of this on my failure to catch anything. I realise now that the blank day was entirely the fault of my tackle set up. The eagle eyed among you will have spotted straight away that the handles on the reels are not in ‘sync’. One is pointing up, the other is pointing down. To further compound that, I have put a metal spool on one, and plastic spool on the other. My only defence for such a howling error is that I did tackle up in the dark, but there is no excuse for it really. And to confirm that bad things come in three’s I have used a black buzzer bar at the front of the pod, and a silver one at the rear. For such a heinous crime I will have to throw myself on the mercy of the FM readers. It is my first offence of blatant tackle non-compliance, and I promise not to do it ever, ever again! Obviously, behaving in such a cavalier manner was never going to result in me catching anything, and that proved to be the case. However, when I came to pack up, the short-handled rod scenario flared up again. I have one of those rod bags with a nice padded pouch to take made up rods and reels. I carefully put my new toys in their appointed places, velcroed them in and tried to zip up the bag. Except that I couldn’t, because there was four inches of carbon rod tops sticking out the end, because the reels were in the wrong place. Undo rod bag, remove reels, place rods back in bag, (they fit now) and go home, after thanking organiser for great day out, and pausing to congratulate winner on his skill. Wait for Monday to come round so that I can have interesting chat with rod manufacturers, as to the reasoning behind this new short-handle craze. The customer services person listens patiently to my ranting, and then proceeds to tell me that they have sold hundreds of this particular model with no complaints at all (just me, then!). However, they admit that the handle is TOO SHORT! I feel like I have won the lottery, very nice customer services person (my new best friend) tells me to take them to my local dealer, where they will arrange for collection and organize replacement models or give me a credit note. I skip down to my local tackle dealers the next day with truncated handle rods, and pass them across counter, with a note addressed to my new best friend in the manufacturer’s Customer Services Department. The chappy behind the counter looks pained and tells me they have nothing but trouble trying to send goods back to said manufacturer, and I might end up having to pay postage. No matter say I, a small price to pay for dealing with such an understanding company. The tackle shop chappy takes my phone number and promises to call if there is a problem. I assure him that there won’t be (see letter addressed to my new best friend) and leave the shop whistling a happy tune. The next day, of course, I get phone call telling me the tackle manufacturer now has no intention of taking back the rods. Ever so slightly perturbed by this I try to phone my very helpful friend, but to no avail, they are away on holiday. I speak to another Customer Services Person (not to be counted in my circle of friends) who tells me I can’t just send things back because I don’t like them. Very calmly, I tell this person that the reason I don’t like them is because the handles are too short. I am told they will only consider replacing rods if they are faulty. I reply that they are of faulty design, doesn’t that count? And, PS, I don’t want them replacing with two of the same, do I? My not new best friend is now at a loss, and informs me that they will have to consult with their colleague about the comment that the handle was too short. I ask if they think I am making it up, they reply of course not, but they have to check. In the meantime, and while we are waiting for this other person to appear back at work, why don’t they pick up the rods so they can at least have a look at them and be ready to deal with my query, I helpfully suggest. There are two possible answers to this question. One would make you believe that there are some reasonable people out there who are prepared to take a genuine interest in their customer’s enquires, and deal with them efficiently. And then there is the other answer, which one do you think I got…..? |
