The Alternative Angler – What Ails You?

Never mind smelling the flowers, don’t forget to take time out to see the satirical side of fishing life and grab a laugh along the way as well. So here’s a regular column from Kevin Perkins to remind us that life is for laughing at, or taking the p*** out of, whenever we can.

WHAT AILS YOU?

Given the amount of time some of us spend on the bank isn’t it a wonder that we don’t yet seem to have our very own occupational illnesses? I can think of a number of things that afflict only anglers, starting with the psychological.

Lying – (well not strictly telling lies, more slight exaggerations)
Being an angler means that you just have to embellish the truth and inflate the size of every fish you catch. In fact, the weight stated by most should be treated like a price that includes VAT, and one should mentally deduct around 15% to obtain the true figure.

The reverse is the case where things are under-estimated. Invariably this includes the cost of new tackle, which is always reported to loved ones at well below the actual price paid. Please be aware that this is nothing to do with discount obtained. Whilst a prudent partner will keep track with cheque stubs, bank statements and credit card accounts, the angler in question will always find a way of obtaining cash to fund additional, (and often squirreled away in the garage/shed before he comes in the front door) purchases.

Spatial Awareness – or Dimensional Disorientation (1)
Relating to the distance you think can cast as opposed to the distance you actually can. Wild exaggeration means that it is pointless trying to adopt the fifteen percent rule mentioned above. Whilst that figure is believable on a 25lb pike or carp, taking it up to around thirty pounds, almost all of these claimed 120-yard casts don’t make 75.

Although, perversely, the beachcasters who can achieve double that distance, never feel the need to boast, and indeed are prepared to have casting competitions where they actually measure how far they can cast, imagine that!

Attempts at rehabilitation have been tried, including taking the sufferer to football pitches to show them just how far 100 yards is, and even marking line at 10-yard intervals, but these treatments can only ever be temporary. This complaint will reoccur.

Dimensional Disorientation (2)
Relating to time, this affects a great many anglers and usually manifests itself when it comes to going home after a fishing trip. This is despite watches, mobile phones, radios, and any other modern electronic means of finding out what the time actually is. Although not yet scientifically proven it is my belief that there is some form of force field around pubs that interferes with all this equipment, causing you to lose track of time altogether.

In the old days, of course, you could resort to asking a policeman, and even more basically, when it starts to get dark might be some sort of clue……..

But whatever the reason, the estimated time of arrival back home is always beyond that stated. Never by a few minutes, it is always hours, sometimes even days. This is a pre-existing, possibly genetic, condition, and there is no known cure.

Physical afflictions befalling anglers are many and various, but a few of the dangers are listed below for guidance.

Head Shaking
Can appear at any time but commonly seen at matches when a peg number is drawn out, and/or hapless angler arrives at his peg. Can be accompanied with sharp intake of breath and/or sucking of air through teeth. Will occur when your fishing partner catches more/bigger fish than you, uses your tackle to catch more/bigger fish than you, attempts to land your biggest ever fish and manages to lose it at the net due to curious scooping/sweeping action he/she employs. Warning! – Has been known to lead to hospitalisation of fishing partner for removal of splintered landing net handle.

Deportment Deficiency
Covers a number of conditions. Despite modern advances in back packs, rod bags still tend to be slung over one shoulder leading to a peculiar lop-sided gait. Can be eased be using one of the new barrows, but the temptation to load so much onto these barrows so that you can’t see over the top. This brings the problems of arms being stretched so far that there is a danger of knuckles dragging on the ground. Despite this elongation of arms, it still never seems to be enough to allow those with deep pockets to find their money when it comes to buying drinks!

Section wins in local matches will lead to a limp, having to carry all that change around. Why do they always pay out in pound coins and fifty pence pieces?

Our more mature readers will remember the terrible lacerations brought about by eight hours sat on a wicker basket. You would be left with a subcutaneous tissue on your derriere, which could do a more than passable impression of a waffle. Image conscious basket makers should have seized the opportunity to weave company names or logos into the wicker as it is a fair bet that those marks would still be impressed on the poor souls who sat on them.

Fortunately, modern padded chairs and bedchairs have eliminated this problem entirely. In fact, they are so comfy that you are now more likely to suffer from DVT from sitting in the same position for so long! Perhaps flight socks should be compulsory apparel for overnighters.

And you thought fishing was a safe sport….

Kevin, writing as Herbert Henshall, is the author of the hilarious new booklet based on those two great characters Donald and Damien: ‘The Early Adventures of Donald and Damien’. Do yourself a favour and grab a copy.