You’ve all no doubt read Ron’s version of events but here is the true unedited version. Now find out how Ed actually won
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My driver and I arrived at the fishery at around 8:30 to find Lee Swords and Ron already in the luxury fishing lodge. Ron has commandeered the head of the table and was in mid anecdote which seemed to involve South Africa, fly fishing and how he taught Nelson Mandela to wear bright coloured shirts that looked like a TV Test card (anyone under 25 won’t remember Test cards).
Lee had used two Hare’s ears flies to pierce his eyes open in a vain attempt to stay awake and listen to Ron but had fallen asleep in a bucket of carp pellets. The owners, a thoroughly bloody nice bloke, made tea all round and then when Ron began a story of how Dick Walker showed him how to tie a secret fly known as a Dick Tickler, the owner suddenly remembers he had to un-block a chemical toilet and had to leave.
Over the next 1/2 hour most of those attending had turned up, including a chap that was doing the old “Toulouse Lautrec” impersonation by kneeling down and putting their shoes in front of their knees to appear only 2ft 6 – but it turned out to be well known Scouser Ed.
With Ron’s promise to show us all his “Dog Nobbler” flies, after lunch we set out to fish. Given the wind was blowing across the lake I thought it wise to fish the dam wall end of the lake where the wind was at least giving some assistance to my poorly aimed casts; so dropping a copy of “Bent Over Understairs Maids” for the others to scramble over, I made it out of the lodge first and picked a good spot to fish.
As the others made their way around the lake, the younger one graciously allowed Graham and Ed to fish the far bank where the gale force wind would aid their casts – but made sure their bingo wing arms were weighted down to prevent them being blown away.
Just as the fishing started, Spiders and Poshers turned up fashionable late. Sadly this was the only thing fashionable about them. Spiders dressed in the latest “Sleeping in a ditch” camo pattern and Poshers in late ’90 match angling gear.
The morning passed quickly with most catching a fish or two ( I got three myself and the monster one that got away) and then it was time for lunch. We all visited the local hostelry, I can’t remember the name but I’m sure it was something like “Dick Turpin” or “The Jolly Highwayman” judging by the prices. Graham having a pint of lager cost £14 (not sure who paid for this) and then the Ploughman’s lunch that some had ordered arrived. All I can say is, it must have been an anorexic ploughman that it was designed for! One sliver of pork pie, a piece of cheese shaved from a slab with a very sharp blade, some green stuff and a small slice of toast.
After lunch Ron gathered all of us in the luxury fishing lodge for a fly tying display, we witnessed his skill in producing Orange blobs but when he produced what appeared to be some large merkins we made our excuses and went back to the fishing.
The afternoon session saw everyone again catch with some fine displays of the dry fly being used by Lee Swords to end on 10 fish for the day. The trophy went to Ed after promising Ron a phone number of a woman over 20 who hadn’t had 3 kids and didn’t constantly wear ski pants. Ron, being from Rotherham, never knew such women existed but later Ron twigged that Ed being from Liverpool knew of no such woman either.
So I hope this gives those that haven’t attended the event before some flavour as to the day.
Lord Paul of Sheffield
