Historic Chronology It is suggested that the first Time Bandits proper began to populate Britain in the early Walkerian Epoch BC (before Carp Society). Considerable proliferation was then experienced in the NASG Era when the hunting clans were brought together.
Throughout the dark ages of the sevens (the secretive years), Time Banditry was practiced in small elite orders, available only to a select few. Come the Era of Eights the doomsdays book of carp anglers was born, and a huge population explosion of Time Banditry was additionally experienced, the land was ravaged from top to bottom and not even the village duck pond was safe from Time Banditry; this evil art was here to stay and god help those who are lured into its bottomless cauldron.
The Sickness Grows For my own contribution, it was back in the decade of Sixes, when my father made me my first bivvy. This was manufactured using an old washing maiden with a piece of oilskin nailed over the top. Throughout the era of sevens I found myself drawn to spend more and more nights enclosed inside a bivvy and there was obviously no skill involved here as the statistical odds of a carp picking up a bait which was constantly in the water was significant and success was secured.
Come the decade of Eights and the great bivvy era was upon me, the best bedchair money could buy, good cooking facilities, a laptop computer and sky television soon followed, and in no time at all I was an addicted Time Bandit.
Life Style The habitual Time Bandit has usually been divorced at least three times, finding the burden of married life an unnecessary chore that keeps him away from the bank for long periods. Work is often a no-go area, and many Time Bandits only leave the bank to visit the unemployment office on a fortnightly basis in order to collect their boillie giro.
Bankside partying is the time-honoured way in which to celebrate your latest catch, invite a few friends round to the bivvy, break out a few back editions of carp angling magazines and generally get into the swing of things. Remember your life style could change dramatically, should, horror of horrors, the job centre actually find you a job!
Results Results are usually quite good, and when the carp are not feeding well there is always something good on sky, or maybe an article to write, or simply just catch up on some sleep – you’ve certainly earned it.
Survival and Watercraft The skilled Time Bandit will have a mobile phone complete with a directory of all the local fast food delivery services; most pizza huts offer a bivvy delivery service, while friends will often bring back a few cans on returning from the unemployment office.
Cold Turkey Advice for sufferers wishing to be cured. Time Bandits often suffer severe mental strain once removed from the bank, particularly in the closed season, although many now migrate south into France. One useful organisation is Time Bandits Anonymous, this organisation contains profession volunteers who will take discreet calls and advise the caller on possible strategic routes back into normal everyday society.
Patches In addition Time Banditry patches are now available on the national health, these patches are scientifically formulated being impregnated with bankside odours and special enhancers to enable the Time Bandit to spend some time away from the bank and thus give other anglers a shot at the best swims.
Education After intense research, many colleges and universities now offer rehabilitation courses, covering disciplines like watercraft, time management effective angling techniques, and counselling services.
And if Everything Else Fails……. Well you could always go carp fishing.
The Time Bandits National Helpline is on 0114 2767676.
