Well, the Olympics are nearly with us, perfect timing for us to push for some angling events to be added to the list of obscure Olympic challenges. If BMX riding and thrashing about in the pool with a hat covered in daisies and a peg on your nose are considered worthy of an Olympic medal then I put it to you that there are plenty of fishing based activities that could, and should, be considered.
The first raft of these proposed piscatorial-based events are listed below:
International Hide and Seek
Teams are pitted against each other in a game of stealth and concealment. The first team of four intrepid anglers are given a twenty minute head start to don their best camo gear and strategically conceal themselves alongside the rowing course.
The second team then sets off in an attempt to discover them. A real test of speed and hand/eye coordination, as the ‘hunters’ have to point out members of the opposing team of anglers as fast as they can.
Obstacle Course
Imagine you all are nice and cosily zipped up in your bivvy when your bite alarm goes off. Another race against the clock as you unzip your sleeping bag, jump into your bivvy slippers, carefully avoiding the pile of plates, cups and bowls leftover from last night’s curry, along with the empty beer cans, etc, etc, unzip the bivvy (inner and outer flaps) and rush to the rods with tripping over any storm poles or guy ropes, leaping over the stove and/or barbecue to stop the alarm.
A timed event, of course, but extra points may be won by remembering to slip on sponsor’s T-shirt before leaving the bivvy (points deducted if you sleep with it on). Rushing out of the bivvy into the daylight without wearing the obligatory sponsor’s baseball cap and sunglasses could mean instant disqualification.
Steeplechase
Those of you that have ever fished a roving match will have experienced the highly competitive rush for the best swims. All this done whist laden down with tackle, clambering over fences, passing though fields of cows (or are they bullocks…?) The searing memory of the heart pounding, sweat drenching race to get a flyer, only to have the local version of Usain Bolt steam past you is the sort of experience that will drive many on towards a medal in this event.
Pole Fault
A real test of brute strength, and competed over several weight classes. Competitors sit facing a pond and, starting with a 16m pole, simply add half metre sections until they can no longer keep the tip from touching the water. Obviously, the heavier the competitor, the more weight and therefore greater length they can counterbalance. The real heavyweights are known as ‘anchors’ (I thinks that’s what I heard them called). Rigorous drug testing has been applied to this sport to eliminate the use of steroids, but unfortunately several cases of pie-abuse have been discovered.
Baitboat Racing
Given our seafaring heritage and recent clutch of Olympic medals on the water, it should come as no surprise that angling and boating should team up with some brand new events. Sail rigged bait boats will have to be used, as it appears that some anglers have been known turn up at qualifying events with 150hp Evinrudes bolted to the back of their craft and that’s not really in the spirit of things, is it?
Swim Filling
On the rowing course, one-man inflatables will paddle up the course with a bait bucket between their knees, empty their load at a pre-determined spot then rush back down the course. This is a free-form event, so marks are awarded for paddling style, and design of boat will also be marked, those using highly inappropriate kid’s inflatables decorated with starfish and sandcastles will score highly as will the use of blow up animal shapes such as crocodiles. There is a separate category for those using lorry inner tubes supporting a tin bath and using Tupperware boxes as paddles.
Endurance
Forget Marathons and Triathlon events, this is a real test of stamina that starts around three months before the games kick off. Competitors settle in for a carp fishing session, hopefully a fairly high attrition rate will mean we should have a solitary angler left before the closing ceremony. If not it will be held over until the next Games, by which time we must surely have got down to just one man left.
Crackerjack
A real blast from the past, and a definite nostalgia-fest for some. The competitors balance precariously on a podium and various pieces of tackle are foisted onto them until they either drop something or fall off. You can just imagine the scene: poor individual standing there, arms outstretched while they get loaded up with rod holdall, ruckbag, chair, barrow, nets, unhooking mat, bait bucket(s) coolbox, rod pod, camera, hat(s) rods, reels, etc. etc. Last man standing is the winner.
Distance Casting – still awaiting ratification
This should be one of the easiest competitions to stage, but international sporting conventions insist on accurate comparisons, not estimates. I know there are many who are proficient at lobbing flies, lures, etc. into a bucket placed some distance away. But that merely requires the angler to possess a fair degree of skill, and with time and practise, most of us could become fairly proficient.
But how about stepping up to the line in front of a televised audience of millions and having your performance measured. Merely stepping up to the mark, lobbing out your tackle and telling the judge standing beside you that you’ve ‘just done a 160 yarder, mate’ isn’t going to work. Actually having a tape measure put up against your best for all the world to see is bound to reduce some to a blubbing wreck.
As any man will confirm, having your true length confirmed to a worldwide audience of millions is not going to be easy…
