KEVIN PERKINS


Kevin Perkins is one of those anglers who sees the funny side of everything, and there are plenty of funny goings-on in fishing. But not everybody is able to convey the funny and often quirky nature of fishing. But Kevin can. He’s the Alternative Angler who sees that side of things that most of us miss because we’re too busy going about the serious business of catching fish and often missing the satire and laughs along the way.

Never mind smelling the flowers, don’t forget to take time out to see the satirical side of fishing life and grab a laugh along the way as well. So here’s a regular column from Kevin Perkins to remind us that life is for laughing at, or taking the p*** out of, whenever we can. But he does have a serious side occasionally…….


Carp Angler – Once the barbeque is fired up…….

SINGLE MINDED?

More and more these days we hear of the increase in ‘Single Species’ fishermen. Are we supposed to see this as some new phenomenon, when in truth, hasn’t it always been the case? Don’t we all tend to favour one particular species? I know that if I hurl 6ozs of mackerel tail out into a gravel pit in the middle of January, I would be mildly surprised to catch a dace, for instance.

But then there are other days when I just go fishing for bites, armed with just a tub of worms or maggots, happy to catch anything that comes along. In fact, not knowing just what may come out next is half the fun, isn’t it?


Barbel Angler – loves real ale
Drink like a fish?

Perhaps this new breed of ‘Single Species’ angler are obsessive in other areas of their lives. Is it possible you could easily spot them in the pub, because they will always stick to one particular drink that in some way relates to their chosen species? I wonder……

Barbel
Shouts traditional so it’s compulsory CAMRA membership and then driving miles after the session for just one pint of ‘Throgmortons Nadger Tangler’, (which is strained through badger’s droppings, and is always served in a chipped glass) that has to be sipped delicately over the course of an hour or two. The taste shall not to be sullied with bar snacks of any kind, and all the time you will be under the scowling gaze of the innkeeper, who will be watching you, the clock, and his very quiet till….

Bream
Definitely cocktails, although a quantity rather than quality fish, so alcopops or Sidekicks would seem appropriate. Nothing too elegant, although quite cosmopolitan, as they will buy (and consume) packs of twelve flavours to show just how sophisticated they are.


Chub Angler – loves anything, preferably two at a time
Carp
Appear to favour Stella or Budweiser or Grolsh, but will make do with Carling, or Heineken or Fosters. And once the barbecue is fired up, will happily down Strongbow, red wine (any) white wine (ditto) v. cheap brandy, v.v. cheap whisky, v.v.v. cheap sherry, Netto vodka, any cans that are ‘8 for £ 5’ or wine bottles that are ‘2 for £ 5’ at the corner shop, liqueur chocolates, well, you get the picture!

Chub
Basically the same drinks taste as per carp in addition to all the things on the eels list, and then just double the quantity.

Eels
Down towards the Thunderbird or Diamond White end of the market, including those 24 packs of stubby lagers that you get off the back of foreign lorries, with names like ‘Kronoblitzen Premium Pils’. Boots home-brew kits (just add water to the mix and drink. Jump up and down a few times to combine ingredients, and fermentation will occur in your stomach). Have been known to imbibe nail polish, lens cleaning fluid, wine gums, and even muddy puddles when the need arises.

Match Anglers
Have been lost souls since the demise of Watney’s Red Barrel. They scour the country for a suitable substitute, and usually have to make do with Tetley’s – but it’s not the same, lads, is it?


Pike Angler – loves a single malt whisky

Perch
Flamboyant, and therefore easy to pick out in a crowded pub. Will be the one man drinking something with an umbrella and cherries in it, or anything with a risqu

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