The Alternative Angler

Never mind smelling the flowers, don’t forget to take time out to see the satirical side of fishing life and grab a laugh along the way as well. So here’s a regular column from Kevin Perkins to remind us that life is for laughing at, or taking the p*** out of, whenever we can.

Tickle Tackle plc, that well known innovative company that develops the tackle you want before you know you need it, has been in consultation with ReallyTwee Clothing to identify and develop the next step forward in concealment outerwear. With the realisation that the current ‘Leaf’ patterns have no merit in the bleak mid-winter, an economic and effective solution needed to be found to this dilemma. With their usual perfect launch timing, the following exciting new concept is announced.

CarperCapes
A selection of reversible slip over head to toe capes with varying patterns on to allow you to properly blend in with your background. For instance – Foggy day? Simply don the ‘Smoke Grey’ version to melt into your surroundings. If the fog clears later on you may require ‘Blue Sky’ or perhaps ‘Cloudy Spells’. Perhaps the weather is less clement, and then you may need ‘Slashing with Rain’ or even ‘Snow White’ If there are trees or bushes framing your background, patterns such ‘Bare Branch’ or perhaps ‘Holly and Ivy’ will be the obvious choice. If you are fishing all night, there are the options of ‘Pitch Black’, ‘Moonlight’ and ‘Starry Night’, again these are also available with various weather combinations, such as ‘Pitch Black and Slashing with Bleedin’ Rain’, etc.

As winter turns to spring, so new colourways will be introduced, with zones shading from head to toe. For example this could be Catkins at shoulder height with Daffodils and Crocus around the hem and as the seasons move on, the full range of background foliage, Beech, Oak, Horse Chestnut, etc. For complete realism you can specify matching floor level backgrounds, such as grass, stinging nettles, muddy bank, scattered bait boxes, empty Stella cans, etc, etc.

Also available to completely accessorise your outfits are matching Sou’wester hats and gloves.

And for those after fishing sessions in the pub, there is ‘Leather Upholstered Bench with Wood Panelling’ pattern cape, which will allow you to enjoy your drink in peace (and avoid detection when it gets to your round). (Are these on sale yet? – Ed).

‘CarperCape’ Plus
This is a larger version of the above, specifically designed to slip over your bivvy, to offer the angler total concealment. Available in all the previously mentioned colour combinations. Please try to remember where it was you set up, because you may not be able to find it again!

And finally, a warning that one downside of fame is imitation. Tickle Tackle plc invests heavily in technology and design to continually bring you the products that you didn’t know you wanted. Unfortunately, such has been their success of their good name that it was probably inevitable that some unscrupulous company would try to cash in on that reputation. It has come to their attention that there are a number of counterfeit ‘Winter Accessory’ items coming in from the Far East under the spurious ‘TyckleTakkle’ label. These are obviously products of inferior quality and design, and should be avoided at all costs. A list of offending articles is given below for guidance.

To begin with there are the ‘Christmas Angling Novelties’ section, starting with:

‘Santa Please Stop Here’
Allegedly humorous green signs to put outside your bivvy if you are planning a full session over the Xmas period.

‘Chimnee Pot’
Hilarious plastic stick-on fake chimney pot for your bivvy. Complete with lifelike wispy smoke.

‘Crakkerz’
Festive fun for anglers everywhere. Contains paper hat, (camouflage pattern, of course), plastic fish key ring and Yuletide joke such as:

Angler returning home from long session: “Hello darling I’m starving. Have you got fish fingers?

Wife: “I’m sorry dear, I’ll wash my hands before I cook dinner!”

‘Boyleebox’
An attractively packaged selection of 15 individually wrapped baits, ideal to hang on the Xmas tree or use as stocking fillers.

Then there are the standard ‘Winter Essentials’

‘Snow Chaynes’
These are miniature versions for your tackle barrow wheels, nothing worse that having your gear sliding around in the mud or snow, is there?

‘Hot Rod’
Hand warmer-like attachments to fit to your rod butt. Don’t want to get cold hands when you finally do get a run, do you? Especially if your bait has been out there for a day or two, or three, or all over Xmas because you have been lying in a celebratory stupor in the back of your bivvy.

This is apparently just the start of a whole range of everlasting warming products that will become available shortly. They are powered by tiny slivers of perfectly safe spent fuel rods that suddenly became available just before the hunt for WMD began in Iraq….

‘FyrePlayce’
Imitation battery powered log effect fire and cardboard ‘marbled’ surround to stand in the back of your bivvy. Emits cheery ‘real fire’ glow from its 3-watt bulb. Creates an authentic home from home feeling. (NB this is for effect only. Not suitable for roasting chestnuts, warming hands or other parts of the anatomy).

‘Smashyt’
The bolt-on icebreaker prow attachment for your baitboat. For use when winter conditions get really tough.

‘Go-Glow’
Have you ever rushed out of your bivvy in the middle of the night in desperate need of a bladder emptying session? Stumbled around in the dark looking for somewhere to obtain relief and ended up peeing all over your pod, or worse, in the bait bucket? Go-Glow is a discreet luminous arrow that has a standard bankstick thread. Place somewhere appropriate during daylight, and then comforting nighttime guidance will be yours. (Please make sure your colleagues do not observe you when placing this product. Some scoundrels have been known to re-position Go-Glow’s in less than appropriate places!).

The above is a clear indication of the inferior nature of these products. You will know and understand that nothing of such low standards would ever be contemplated by the original Tickle Tackle company.