KEVIN PERKINS


Kevin Perkins is one of those anglers who sees the funny side of everything, and there are plenty of funny goings-on in fishing. But not everybody is able to convey the funny and often quirky nature of fishing. But Kevin can. He’s the Alternative Angler who sees that side of things that most of us miss because we’re too busy going about the serious business of catching fish and often missing the satire and laughs along the way.

Never mind smelling the flowers, don’t forget to take time out to see the satirical side of fishing life and grab a laugh along the way as well. So here’s a regular column from Kevin Perkins to remind us that life is for laughing at, or taking the p*** out of, whenever we can.

TartzKartz Speciality Carp barrows

ALWAYS TWO STEPS ahead of the competition, TickleTackle’s product development team have unearthed another niche market, and one which they feel has almost unlimited growth potential. Today they are very proud to announce the launch of TartzKartz, a fully customising service for your carp barrow. The following accessories will really help you to stand out from the crowd:

Wheelz
Away with those rust-prone old wheelbarrow rims and slap on some lightweight Alloyz, for immediately improved handling and a reduction in unsprung weight. Wider and fatter that the originals and available with different tread patterns to match the terrain, choices include: – Slikz for dry paths, Wetz for rain and, of course, Studz for snow and ice.

Springz
Upgrade that simple beam axle to fully independent suspension, vital to protect your delicate tackle if the route to swim is less than billiard table smooth

Brakz
Drum or disc options available, but red painted disc callipers look soooo much better when viewed through alloy wheels. ABS will feature at a later stage, to save all those embarrassing skid marks.

HeadLightz
Halogen or LED versions available, vital to light your way on those early morning sessions, or when setting off for your car in the late evening gloom. Low mounting FogLightz available (front and rear) for misty mornings.

Mirroz
Racing for that prime location? Keep a watchful eye behind for any swim-pinching gits coming up on the outside, trying to overtake you to get there first. Also handy for checking hair/make up before posing for pictures with your latest capture.

Bagz
If you have ever had the misfortune to walk into an obstruction when pushing your barrow, you will be glad of this battery powered passive restraint system. In the event of a collision, a flexible cushioning medium (balloon) will be deployed to prevent chest/facial injury. (Still at experimental stage, deployed balloon may have printed message ‘ Happy Birthday, ‘Look who’s 40’ etc) .

Clampz
First line of defence when it comes to security, your own personal wheel clamping kit, keeps your barrow safe and sound. Upgraded kit comes with ‘How to release’ stickers, so you can clamp people who have parked their barrows where they shouldn’t (in your swim, for instance).

Alarmz
Vital security measure for long-stay anglers, who want to go back to their barrow after a few days and find it is still there, comes with infra red and movement detectors, all remotely controlled.

ArticuL8
This DIY kit will modify your barrow and allow it to pivot in the middle. Just imagine, no more holding up fellow anglers as you struggle to make three point turns getting round tight corners on paths, through gateways etc.

HotHandZ
Thermal handle warming system, so very important on those cold mornings.

BullBarz
Vital front-end protection if you are likely to encounter obstructions on the path (cyclists, bailiffs, other anglers, dog-walkers, twitchers, etc, etc).

Reverz
Audible alarm to warn people that you are backing your barrow into position, given that it is never properly loaded until you can’t see over the top of it. Usually bought as a pack with the Hornz and Bellz system to give you audible means of approach, and used in conjunction with BullBarz (above) to clear a path when you are on a mission (getting to the pub before last orders, for example).

EyePodz
Polarised, photo chromatic glasses with MP3 player earpieces built into arms, allowing you hum along to some obscure tune and scan the water as you go. Deluxe versions also sport Wiperz in case rain on the lenses obscures your vision. Everyone knows that when you are pushing your barrow you haven’t got time to stop and manually clean your glasses, fishing time is too valuable.

All of the above are only available for proper man-sized carp barrows, of course. Those of you who like to twinkle along the bank, pulling those silly little carts and looking like a bunch of air hostesses will have to wait for the launch of TrollyDollyz accessory kits, due out some time never.

And finally……

TickleTackle are always willing to support new developments, and will actively support companies who are struggling with product endorsement. Some avenues of exploration in search of a new ‘super’ bait often turn into blind alleys, whilst some are brought to an abrupt halt, and it is sad to relate that after some intensive investigation, and due to legal reasons, TickleTackle weren’t able to continue their support, and have had to cancel the launch of ‘Kannabix’.

The makers claimed their ‘herbal’ floating biscuit would put all other mixers in the shade. It has now become apparent that one of the main ingredients had an addictive effect on fish, who would almost cause an underwater stampede in an effort to get hold of these biscuits, and with a double-whammy, those fish that managed to pick up freebies and avoid the hookbait would be back a little while later with a bad attack of the ‘munchies’ and could be caught on anything!