KEVIN PERKINS


Kevin Perkins is one of those anglers who sees the funny side of everything, and there are plenty of funny goings-on in fishing. But not everybody is able to convey the funny and often quirky nature of fishing. But Kevin can. He’s the Alternative Angler who sees that side of things that most of us miss because we’re too busy going about the serious business of catching fish and often missing the satire and laughs along the way.

Never mind smelling the flowers, don’t forget to take time out to see the satirical side of fishing life and grab a laugh along the way as well. So here’s a regular column from Kevin Perkins to remind us that life is for laughing at, or taking the p*** out of, whenever we can.

YOU ARE WHAT YOU WEAR

One of the few drawbacks of writing this column is the huge amount of fan mail that Graham has to wade through every week. Well, all right, he has had one email from a lady angler who mentioned my ramblings. Now I’m not sure if this is life imitating art or vice versa, but she actually agreed with most of the sentiments in my article about ‘Women in Fishing’.

This is very worrying, because as we know, I make it all up as I go along. Either I have been receiving telepathic messages, or I am more in touch with my female side than is good for me! Anyway, some of her comments are worth passing on to our loyal readers.


Does she have a pint of maggots in her handbag?
The first was the statement was that this lady keeps maggots in her handbag. This is not the result of mistakenly leaving a ham sandwich in there over a long weekend, but is in fact the method she uses to transport maggots home from the tackle shop. I can only presume that they were put into some kind of receptacle beforehand, rather than being poured in loose! Although with the amount of gear most ladies carry in their bags, I would be amazed if there was room for anything else. (Or do Fendi make handbags in one, two or maybe three pint sizes – who knows?).This young lady also lamented the lack of toilet facilities, but did qualify the statement by saying that ‘Women have much better bladder control – and therefore don’t need to ‘go’. She must have a pelvic floor made of marble! The final note will attract attention in that this lady openly admits to fishing whilst wearing only ‘Bikini and Waders’ She also gave a location for this spectacle that is known only to Graham and myself.

So, this is the real thing, no need to mess about with pictures on calendars. I suggest you start a bidding thread on the Forum to see if you can come up with enough money to persuade Graham or myself to reveal the location. You will be aware that Graham’s sound financial acumen and prudent fiscal management (tight-arse, for the benefit of those struggling for a simple meaning – Graham) will not allow him to part easily with this valuable information, so price your bids accordingly. For my part, for the price of one drink I am anybody’s, for two or more, I’m everybody’s!

Still on clothing, why don’t we have a ‘uniform’ that immediately tells the world we are anglers? Golfers have those delightful check trousers and Pringle tops, cricketers always walk round with a jumper draped nonchalantly over their shoulders, footballers wear team strips, etc. But not us – oh no! We do have different sartorial strata, which normally pan out as follows:


Ponsing about in the very latest camo attire
Top-level specimen hunters will have to be clothed in the very latest camouflage attire. Do they really have to be that well disguised from the fish when they are casting 120 yards distant? You can, however, have some fun in the following ways. Fall all over one and say “Sorry mate, didn’t see you there!” Or the reverse scenario is to walk up to them, point and say “I can still see you!”

Next level down there is the difficult decision as to one-piece or two-piece suits. Two-piece suits always seem to be at least one size too big, and there are the problems of draughts up the back or front. One-piece suits present problems when nature calls. Number one’s are OK for men, but number two’s (or ones and twos for ladies) can be difficult. Even if there are facilities where you are fishing, you will have no option but to strip right down. Then you have to make sure that you have gathered together all the arms, etc, before you sit down, because you don’t want a number one, or worse, a number two in your hood! Then there is that small minority who seems to go fishing in the clothes that the charity shops throw out. These followers of the Catweazel or Worzel Gummidge fashion houses could go seamlessly from fishing to sitting in shop doorways (probably where they get the clothes in the first place!)

Matchmen, of course, need trousers with elasticated waists, so they can expand their waistlines to counterbalance their ever-lengthening poles. Strangely, even though they probably have to fish much nearer to their quarry than any other group of anglers, they shun camouflage in favour of brightly coloured nylon suits emblazoned with sponsor’s logos. You can spot them when they are not fishing due to the bald patch over one ear, This is caused by the obligatory custom of shoving a disgorger up the side of their (sponsored) baseball caps.

Fly-fishermen have to wear a waistcoat that has seventy-four pockets. Now, I must have been seriously under-equipped whenever I have gone fly fishing, because there is no way I could find enough ‘bits’ to fill four pockets, let alone seventy four! What do they put in all those pockets, and more importantly, how do they remember where everything is? You can amuse yourself by going up to said fly fisherman and asking to borrow a length of 6x tippet, and seeing how many pockets he has to go through before he finds it. And can you please tell me what exactly is the point of sticking flies into your hat? Can’t be old flies that they don’t use any more. Everyone knows that when you have flogged the water into foam all day long without a sniff, you finally tie on the oldest, most moth-eaten fly in your box and immediately catch a huge fish (Well, that’s what happens in all the books I read!) So, they must be brand new flies. Now that’s a sensible way to spend your money, or are there fly patterns specifically tied to adorn hats?

But the main reason why we don’t have a recognisable uniform is that I suspect none of us would want to be seen dead anywhere else in any of the outfits we wear to go fishing!

Read ‘THE ALTERNATIVE ANGLER’ every Friday!

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