The Alternative Angler – Alternative Pantomimes

Never mind smelling the flowers, don’t forget to take time out to see the satirical side of fishing life and grab a laugh along the way as well. So here’s a regular column from Kevin Perkins to remind us that life is for laughing at, or taking the p*** out of, whenever we can.

ALTERNATIVE PANTOMIMES

To begin with, It’s pantomime season again (Oh, no it isn’t! Oh yes it is!) Perhaps it is time to give some of those traditional performances a piscatorial makeover.

Peter Pan
Let’s see, little boy who never grows up, lures young children from their beds, takes them off to fight with a man who has had his hand cut off (some form of punishment for doing something one handed – obviously,) and they get to play with a ravenous reptile. All good, clean family entertainment, then.

So, we need a youthful looking cap who possesses the ability to fly (aeroplane optional) and likes to go off to exotic places and tangle with species the likes of which us mere mortals will never see…….Perfect (type) casting – step forward Matt Hayes!

Dick Whittington
Likeable man, always seen with faithful pet by his side, gets to top position in fish welfare organisation, has to leave, then is persuaded to return again to claim his job back. (Now, to me, that sounds a lot more like a fairy story than a pantomime!)

Jack and the Beanstalk.
Simple young lad who swaps very valuable family possessions for handful of ‘magic’ beans, much to the dismay of his family (Hmmm….. perfect description of just about any carp angler) and goes off to slay a giant (Benson, Two-Tone, etc, etc….. ) and grab fortune in sponsorship deals.

Puss in Boots
Very easy to put a fishy slant on this one, just need to get someone on the stage dressed in waders (with a good deal of thigh slapping, of course) and then have them wrestle with a catfish. On second thoughts, that appears to be more suited to Spearmint Rhino than your local Hippodrome!

NEW YEAR RESOLUTIONS

And then there are the New Year Resolutions, below are a list that are guaranteed to be in pieces before Feb 1St……

1) I will spend more time with the family this year than I do going fishing

2) I will spend more time fishing than I do going out with the family

3) I will attend my fishing club’s weed cutting and swim clearing weekend

4) I will go into a tackle shop and only buy what I went in for in the first place

5) If I am sent off to the shops with housekeeping money to buy milk, I won’t come back with an angling magazine and tell my wife they had run out of milk

MORE PRODUCTS FROM TICKLETACKLE

You may understand that the TickleTackle organization didn’t shut down over the extended holiday period, creative genius just keeps flowing, as the following brand new products show:

CamouLyte
At last, an end to having to leave home dressed like an out of work mercenary. CamouLyte is an extension of the latest LED technology. A head torch is fitted to shine down on the wearer, and each of the 9 LED lamps is a different shade of brown/beige/orange/yellow/green. The result is that you are bathed in camouflaged light – perfect, wear what you want to go fishing, but still appear invisible to the fish!

The Tickletackle boffins hope to perfect the 27 LED version, which will be suspended from an extending pole above your bivvy and will bathe you in a light that will make you and your tackle undetectable. The only downside, of course, is if you do go wandering off, you may not be able to find your bivvy again. Also, your friends will be able to see just what you prefer to wear when you go fishing…..

PISTake
Barbel fishing aficionados will also benefit from white heat technology in the near future. New rods will appear almost daily, but will need to be very specific in their applications. Now there are ‘Floodwater’ rods available, capable of handling leads of up to 8oz (wouldn’t a 5oz Breakaway lead be better, next it will be little chrome bells on pegs to clip on your rod tips….)

But how do you know whether the flood is peaking, still increasing, or even fining down? Fishing with the wrong rod may cost you fish, and the first step to ensuring you are using the right rod is to use the all-new ‘Kolormatch’ 12 top multi tip system.

When you arrive at the bankside, simply whip out your ‘Kolormatch’ shade swatch (with twelve lifelike river condition colours ranging from ‘Slight Tinge’ to ‘Raging Chocolate’) and fit the appropriate matching tip to your rod. Even more sophisticated, and considerably more expensive is the P.I.S (Particles In Suspension) Take system, which takes all the guesswork out of your tip choice.

Once at the bankside you simply plug the P.I.S. (Particles In Suspension) Take sensor into your PDA, drop it into the water and the readout will tell you which of your twelve tips to use. During the session, the sensor will continually monitor the condition of the floodwater, and if a change of tip is indicated, an audible and vibrating alert will be actioned.